Awesomely Awful: “Troll 2″ Part II

Part II: Creedence Leonore Gielgud Strikes Back

(Read “Part I: Welcome to Nilbog”, here)

Yes, meet Creedence Leonore Gielgud, of ancient druid origins. Her ancestors came from Stonehenge.

We know this because when she first appears in the movie, she strides up to the two teens who have stumbled into her house and says, “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Creedence Leonore Gielgud, of ancient druid origins. My ancestors came from stonehenge.” She’s got some kind of accent, I couldn’t really figure out which. Transylvanian, maybe? I dunno, let’s just call it “bad”.

She promptly directs the visitors’ attention to these huge slabs of rock in her home, with a glowing light between them, and smoke wafting out from that same space between. We’re given the impression that… this is Stonehenge, and she somehow has it (or part of it) in her house.

You can’t make this stuff up folks! At least I couldn’t.

But wait, there’s more!!

You see, the teens that stumbled in had just been attacked by Goblins. The girl had been wandering through the woods, screaming. It was obvious she had already ingested some Goblin Goo, as she was beginning to sweat green sweat. It’s not a good sign. That’s when one of the daughter’s boyfriend’s friends (Arnold) finds her. The boyfriend and three or so of his buddies had followed her up to Nilbog in this huge RV, so that the Goblins would have people to kill without killing any Waits. Together, Arnold and the girl get surrounded by Goblins. He tries being brave and standing up to them, but gets a spear stuck in his shoulder for his efforts. That’s ok. The only time he ever acts like it hurts is right when it happens.

                                      Burlap is haute couture in Nilbog.

Anyways, they stumble out of the woods – somehow they got an unexplained lead on their Goblin pursuers – and wander into this strange, church looking house. That’s when they meet Creedence Leonore Gielgud. Gielgud’s house basically consists of one bed, a balcony, and more smoking cauldrons and beakers than a high school chemistry class. It looks like she’s trying to start a dry ice factory. And of course, the previously mentioned mini-stonhenge, carefully off to the side of the room so the Goblins won’t trod upon it.

Creedence Leonore Gielgud offers to help the teens. She hands them each a smoking mug, filled with a “miraculous broth”, made of “Sap. From the forest.” Which is good, because sap from the store is never fresh.

 If this woman offered you a smoking mug, would you drink it?

                         Didn’t slow these two down one bit.

Predictably, well… unless you’re as dumb as these two, things begin happening. The girl begins to scream, and now the green sweat is going as if she’s Striker in “Airplane”. She pulls a Linda Blair and pukes some of it up, then runs up the stairs to the balcony, where she begins to turn into a puddle of Green Goblin Goo.

Wondering where the special effects budget went in this movie? It’s right here, baby.

From down the hallway, the goblins begin to waddle out. It’s revealed that all this time, Creedence Leonore Gielgud is the Goblin mother!

Terror washes over Arnold as he realizes whats going on. Words cannot do it justice…

I like the Spanish subtitles there, I didn’t think it was possible to make that scene any funnier, but the “iDios mioooooooooooooo!” really does it for me.

Meanwhile, back at the Waits house, everyone’s settling in to bed for the night.

                         Random Dance Scene! Hey, it WAS the 80s.

As the daughter is getting ready for bed, SHE sees Grandpa Seth in her mirror. He didn’t intend to reveal himself to her, he just hadn’t “Learned the layout of the house” yet. She wakes everyone up to tell them, and you’d think this would be Joshua’s redemption. Right? Now that someone else has seen him too? Nope. Dr. Waits, Phd. asks, “Are you still smoking dope, Holly?”

Joshua doesn’t care. He just wants to see Grandpa Seth. So he offers to trade rooms with his sister for the night. Then he summons Grandpa for a conversation.

       Pay no attention to the man behind the two-way mirror…

Grandpa Seth explains that Joshua only saved his family temporarily by pissing on their food. “Now you have to get them to leave,” he explains, “This is an Evil Place. It is the KINGDOM of the Goblins.” Joshua whines worse than a baby Luke Skywalker, asking Grandpa for more help. Grandpa Seth explains, he was ineffectual even in life! “They don’t listen to me. Your Mother has never taken my advice. That’s why she married that good-for-nothing!”

I think it’s time to revisit the acting for a second. Normally, its hard to rag on child actors. I mean, they’re kids. So if a child doesn’t do well on screen, you can usually blame the director. And it’s hard to single out a performance in a movie where if you You Tube “Troll 2 Worst Acting Ever” you’ll get multiple, different videos. But I think even Spielberg would have had problems with this kid.

                                   The many faces of Michael Stephenson

Grandpa Seth disappears, promising to come back.

Meanwhile, in downtown Nilbog, another disposable character friend of Holly’s boyfriend is proving he’s not smart enough to stay away from strange looking food, offered by evil looking people. He catches a ride into town with the local Sherriff, who promptly offers him a green paste on a hard roll sandwich. Sure thing, Officer, looks yummy. Then he goes into the local inconvenience store, where he’s told that the empty shelves are because the residents of Nilbog are all vegetarians.

If this guy offered you something to drink, for free, would you take it?

                         Ok, what if it were “Nilbog Milk”?

Yet again, common sense fails to come into play. The kid drinks it, and stumbles into the street, where he’s directed to go to the house that looks like an old church by a virtual gang of Nilbog residents. They claim it’s a message from his friend Arnold. This guy doesn’t care though, he’s not suspicious of anything… so the disposable character he wanders off to Creedence Leonore Gielgud’s.

What he doesn’t know is that Arnold’s been turned into a half man, half tree.

                                                    Do I NEED a joke here?

Now, I never understood why the Green Goblin Goo killed the girl, but turned Arnold into a tree, but at this point, I’m just goin’ with it.

The action cuts away from the disposable characters boyfriends friends, and back to the Waits. In town, Josh and his Dad find the town store closed. They decide to wait. They are the WAITS after all. Josh sees this as an opportunity to hang with Grandpa Seth, and tries to call him through the sideview mirror of the family truckster. He doesn’t succeed, but he DOES see the Nilbog street sign in the mirror bacwards, and comes to the shocking realization that Nilbog spelled backwards is Goblin. Remember my moron test from Part I? Well, at this point, this kid is the only one that’s passed it, and we’re halfway through the movie.

Back at the Ranch, Creedence Leonore Gielgud stops in with a welcome to the neighborhood cake. Upon seeing Holly (who’s on her way out), Gielgud proceeds to tell Mrs. Waits that her daughter is “Appetizing” and “Provocative”. Of course, she means it literally and not in a lesbian-cougar sort of way. Doesn’t matter. The subject is quickly changed by bringing attention to the cake. One of her “Ancient Recipes”. LOL. Cake recipes come on the side of cake mix boxes, don’t they?

It’s time to play fogsmoviereviews favorite game!!

                                   It’s WOULD! YOU! EAT IT!!!???!!

Ok, how ’bout now? C’mon, it’s cheesecake with Green Frosting!!

Well, we’re left in suspense for now, as the action cuts back to Josh, who’s now skateboarding through Nilbog. I know, I know, Did she eat it? Did she? I can’t help it, this movie is just suspenseful like that, I can’t help it.

Josh is skateboarding around, when he comes across a big barnish type building with the door slightly ajar. Of course, he heads inside. Inside, he finds a sort of a Goblin sermon going on. Pastor Goblin is preaching about the evil of flesh. And by flesh he means, “All that stinking, disgusting meat. Hamburgers. Steaks. Sausages. And Hot Dogs! SOLD by the side of the road! The stink of smoked carcasses…” I guess the Goblins aren’t just vegeterians, they’re MILITANT vegetarians.

                                                     Nice Mullet-Helmet, dude.

Of course, Joshua can’t keep quiet and spy on them, he loses his skateboard and the Goblins catch him. What do they do to him? We have to wait! Another cliffhanger! I’m not kidding this movie is like that. Will the Mom eat the cake? What will the Goblins do to Joshua? We don’t know, because the action cuts to Holly, who walks over to her boyfriends RV.

Holly has been pissed at him all movie for hanging with his friends more than her (at least this movie captured ONE thing authentically). Now she lays down the law. “Choose Elliott” she tells him. When he tries to tell her he doesn’t understand what she’s asking, she punches him in the face!! I’m beginning to think that these two have an abusive relationship.

After showing Holly lay out her boyfriend with one punch, the action quickly returns to Joshua and we find out the Goblins evil plan! Of course! They’re going to make him eat something!!

                     I wouldn’t want to eat “Nilbog Ice Cream” either.

Yes, it’s the Goblin modus operandi. Feed your victim, then feed ON them. It’s so diabolical and frightening. I wonder how it got past the MPAA. Of course, Joshua isn’t having any. He’s the one person in this movie that would live to win a prize on “WOULD! YOU! EAT IT!!!???!!” Also, apparently he can see the Goblins for what they really are now, I guess their “human form” illusion only works if you don’t know they’re Goblins.

Goblins have evolved with surprisingly sharp teeth… for vegetarians.

Will the goblins get Joshua to eat?? Will Joshua’s Mother eat some of Creedence Leonore Gielgud’s evil cheesecake?? Will Mr. Waits figure out how to tie his shoes singing the rhyme?? Will Holly’s boyfriend leave this abusive relationship?? And finally, will disposable character save his friend Arnold?

I’ll give you a hint.

Come back tomorrow for Troll 2, Part III: The Power of Bologna!!

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5 thoughts on “Awesomely Awful: “Troll 2″ Part II

      • Well when you grow up a sap and try to grow out of the thing that soiled your reputation, you have to plant yourself in the root of the problem and branch out from there. Find your best bud and germinate some new friendships. You don’t want to lumber through life having people think you’re knots or board. So get out there and stick to the program until the time is right to leave. Remember we’er all cut down in the end.

        I know acorny post!

      • HA!! Missed this one last Night somehow… You’ve got some zingers going there Ray! You need a drummer hitting some rimshots after a couple of those
        :D

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