Awesomely Awful: “Troll 2″ Part III

(Read “Part I: Welcome to Nilbog”, here and Part II: “Creedence Leonore Gielgud Strikes Back” here.)

PART III: Behold, the Power of Bologna!!

When we last left our hero, he was surrounded by Goblins, all chanting for him to eat. Now, he’s the only one in this movie that knows any better, so he doesn’t. He starts crying out for his Grandpa Seth to help him!! Grandpa Seth doesn’t make it, but his Dad does.

Here’s yet another clip from the movie, showcasing the talents of the cast:

Why are all these clips labeled “Worst Acting Ever?”

So, Dad has come to the rescue, and not a moment too soon! Well, he’s still not bright enough to put all the pieces together. Pastor Goblin explains they were just trying to give the boy some Ice Cream. Joshua, in his best, whining logic, explains they’re all goblins, they all have birthmarks on their faces, they’re all to get them. He also clues Dad in that Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards. (I think that one went over the father’s head though, seeing as he can’t spell forwards yet.) Sherlock Waits is beginning to get suspicious, especially when he spots the family they supposedly swapped houses with. It’s like you can hear the footseps creaking around in his attic. The other family says they had car trouble, which Mr Waits now begrudgingly buys, and slowly he and Joshua back out of there.

On the drive back to the house, they spot Holly and her boyfriend. They pick the two of them up, leaving the next disposable character boyfriend’s last friend alone with the RV.

Speaking of disposable characters the boyfriend’s friends, disposable character his other friend finally finds Arnold. Only Arnold is half a tree!

                                                     Still funny.

Except, disposable character he’s has already drunk some of the Nilbog Milk. Plus he had a Green Goo Sandwich!! The green sweats have begun. There’s a brief comical sequence where Arnold, who can’t talk tries to get the attention of disposable character, who can’t seem to stay awake. But eventually Arnold is discovered, and the rescue effort is under way!!

“Escape From Alcatraz” it’s not.

Unfortunately for them, Creedence Leonore Gielgud has come home!! (Ok, now I’m starting to get kind of pissed. Did the Mom eat that %#&$ing cake or what?)

She backhands disposable character with the strength of General Zod, knocking him through the air, halfway across the room and onto the bed! She then tells Arnold “You will be Punished for this!!”, referring to the failed escape attempt. Now, HOW you might ask, does she intends to punish him further beyond turning him into a half man/half tree?

I’m a lumberjack baby!
I’m gonna cut you down to size!
I’m a lumberjack baby!
And you’re the one that gets my prize!

Oh yes she does! She breaks out the chainsaw!! Now, wait! Before you get visions of “Scarface” (“Now de leg, huh?”), you have to remember what movie this is! Gielgud tells Arnold it will only tickle, and sure enough, he laughs all the way through it!

                                               Look! He likes it!

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice! Oops, sorry that slipped out. Meanwhile, back at the Waits borrowed farm house, the Goblins are having a fiesta! They’ve got an entire Goblin Jamboree band playing in their human guises. Apparently Mrs Waits didn’t eat any Evil Goblin Cheesecake after all, because she doesn’t have the green sweats!

Pastor Goblin shakes Mr Waits hand enthusiastically and explains the townfolk wanted to make up for the misunderstanding they had a little while ago. You know, where all the people of the town surrounded his son and revealed themselves to be Goblins and tried to force the kid to eat evil yogurt? But Mr Waits doesn’t care, he’s happy as can be. Country Hospitality!

                 If Mr Waits were any dumber, he’d be an Orangutan

The family happily bellies up to the spread table, but Joshua whines out in protest! “Don’t eat it! They’re Goblins, they’ll kill us!” For his trouble? He gets sent to his room. I keep waiting for the scene where Papa Einstein injures himself turning on a light switch.

Shots of Joshua pleading into the mirror for Grandpa Seth to answer him are interspersed with a horrifying montage of people cutting cakes and pouring Kool Aid. I forget sometimes how scary this movie was.

                              This is about as scary as Troll 2 gets.

As the food menancingly approaches the Waits, Joshua is startled by the appearance in the mirror of – not Grandpa Seth – but none other than Creedence Leonore Gielgud!! She’s quickly replaced by a Goblin that bursts right through the mirror at Josh!! Of course, dowstairs, they can’t hear his screams, there’s a jamboree going on…

But it doesn’t matter! After like ten minutes of Joshua’s high pitched whine/yelling, Grandpa Seth appears! And this time, he’s got an axe!

                                          Herrrrrre’s Johnny!!

He pulls an Obi-Wan Kenobi and chops that Goblins hand right off!

As soon as the Goblin gets its hand hacked off, it disappears, teleporting itself magically to Creedence Leonore Gielgud’s, where it’s revealed that the Goblin was none other than Gielgud herself!! She wails in pain and holds up her arm, now just a handless stump gushing green blood!

                                  No!!!! I Will Never Join You!!!!

Just when you think they’ve exhausted the special effects budget, the makers of Troll 2 find a way to dig deeper! Gielgud’s arm spouts blood like a fountain of green kool-aid. Her face has also begun to decompose a little. She looks like a middle aged Regan MacNeil. She enjoys her moment of howling and wailing, then sticks her arm in the glowing, smoking space between the Stonehenge stones in her bedroom and chants for the ancient power to restore her to her former power!

It wasn’t cheap getting the makeup team from “The Exorcist”, but the makers of Troll 2 insisted on nothing but the best.

Amazingly, it does just that. Not only regenerating her hand for her, but turning her young and relatively attractive. It turns out that if she lets her hair out of that granny bun, quits putting on zombie effect makeup, brushes her teeth, shows some cleavage and quits making those &$%#ing bug eyes, she’s not that shabby!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Grandpa Seth and Josh are excited over their victory. They know they’re not out of the woods yet though! The rest of the family is downstairs… and they’re being served food!! Grandpa Seth hatches a plan… Josh will firebomb the house, while Grandpa Seth causes a distraction with the fire extinguisher. I’m not kidding. It turns out the moronic gene in the Waits family tree runs back further than just Mr. and Mrs. Waits.

I wish my grandfather would have let me play with Molotov Cocktails when I was young.

So the two of them sneak outside. Just when Grandpa Seth is about to light the firebomb, Pastor Goblin appears and snatches it away from Josh!! He walks off a few paces, ranting and raving. Then he points at Grandpa Seth and uses his evil, ill-defined Goblin powers to banish Grandpa Seth back to the afterlife! Grandpa Seth looks as if he’s having a heart attack, even though he’s already dead. Just when you start to fear Grandpa Seth is about to meet “The True Death”, he tells Josh not to worry, he’s learned a thing or two in the afterlife!

That’s when he calls lightning down from the sky.

The lightning hits the Molotov cocktail still being held by Pastor Goblin, and it explodes. Pastor Goblin is immediately engulfed in flames!

                               Yup, that’s a real dude they set on fire.

The commotion draws everyone out from the house. Grandpa Seth’s plan worked! The Waits have been saved from the dangers of dessert foods! Mr. Waits grabs the fire extinguisher and puts out the fire on Pastor Goblin. I was pretty impressed he knew how to do that with botching it. Once the fire is out, what’s left is a smoldering Goblin corpse! FINALLY, the light dawns on Stephen Hawking Waits. “Hey, What’s this?” he asks one last time. Seriously, this guy couldn’t find water from a rowboat on a pond.

“He was one of US!” The Goblin Sherriff growls, still in human form. Curiously, even though the family is surrounded, the Goblins let them slowly back away and into the safety of the house. (Joshua joins them, but Grandpa Seth has vanished again. That crazy Grandpa Seth!)

Meanwhile, Creedence Leonore Gielgud is experiencing nocturnal raptures now that she’s young again. She’s left her House/Church/Stonehenge Shed and prances her way down to the boyfriend’s RV, where the final disposable character last of Elliott’s friends is waiting, watching tv. She uses her Goblin powers to appear to him on his television, and then he steps outside, and there she is in real life! She seduces him (it doesn’t take much), while mysteriously carrying an ear of corn. Well, once inside, we find out why! In addition to her exposed cleavage and showing off her stocking tops, Gielgud suggestively strokes the corn to arouse the teen!

                          Don’t get too excited. No, seriously, don’t.

What follows is just as confusing as we’ve grown to expect from “Troll 2”. It’s the “Troll 2” equivalent of a sex scene. Don’t worry, this isn’t NSFW, this is “Troll 2”!

Creedence Leonore Gielgud climbs on top of the disposable character boyfriend’s friend, and leans in not to kiss him, but to eat the ear of corn with him simultaneously from either side. Lady and the Tramp sucking spaghetti this is not. Now, so far in Troll 2, eating food has been the kiss of death for humans. But I don’t see any green goo on this corn (and there was a nice stripe of Goo on the corn in Part I, see this screencap). So this may be purely sexual for Gielgud. I don’t know. There are times when this movie is… unclear.

What happens is… aw hell. You’ve got to see this for yourself.

Did he die? Is this death by popcorn? We’ll have to wait and see.

Speaking of meeting your maker, the Waits family is locked inside their swap house, surrounded by Goblins. The Goblins have taken to throwing bags of sandwiches on the porch and telling the Waits it will be easier on them if they eat. This was taken straight out of the Viking playbook – that’s how they used to sack and destroy cities, I saw it on the History Channel.

But the Waits are holding a séance in order to contact Grandpa Seth. Surprisingly, it works! Aristotle Waits can’t believe it! “That’s not possible…” he says. I’m beginning to think this guy could disbelieve a doorknob. “You can’t open that big slab of wood just by turning that small metal knob…”

But it’s true. Grandpa Seth’s disembodied voice is clearly heard in the séance room. He tells Joshua he only has ten minutes… so he has to concentrate… concentrate…concentrate…

                                    Joshua’s concentration face

It works! Well, kind of. Joshua turns into a Goblin who attacks the family. I don’t think Grandpa planned on that. Although at this point Josh seems like the only one he cares about, and who could blame him? That Goblin is joined by all kinds of others as the Goblin villagers pick this moment to bum rush the house! The family runs around, then runs upstairs. As he runs up the stairs, one of the Goblins jumps on Isaac Newton Waits’ back! He shakes the creature off, and this gives “Troll 2” an opportunity to showcase its incredible stuntwork. I was rooting for him to say something to the effect of “These can’t be Goblins!” just for old time’s sakes.

Zoologists agree. In Phylum Goblinis, bug eyes are a recessive trait, thus an attractive characteristic to potential mates.

But that’s ok… as his family is getting chased around the farmhouse by Goblins (all that’s missing is the “Benny Hill” music), Joshua has been magically teleported to Creedence Leonore Gielgud’s. And Grandpa Seth is there too. Grandpa Seth puts a backpack on him, telling Josh only to use the contents in extreme emergencies… only when he really needs it. Then they walk over to the Stonehenge stones.

“The Stonehenge Magic Stones”, Grandpa Seth explains, “The Goblins magic power!”

Stonehenge!! Where the demons dwell! Where the banshees live and they do live well! 

Josh wonders what they have to do now. Grandpa Seth tells him all they have to do is touch the Stones. They do, and instantly it works. Disposable character is saved by Gielgud being distracted and losing her looks. He’s able to spit out the popcorn choking him and nearly burying him. More importantly, the Waits are saved as the Goblins hear Gielgud’s screams and teleport away, even though they had finally cornered the family and had them surrounded with spears.

For some reason, Grandpa Seth has to go as the clock strikes six. Why not eight or nine or 6:45 I don’t know. But he hears the clock chiming and tells Joshua to remember that “only the power of goodness can defeat the Goblins” They say goodbye, and Grandpa Seth fades away…

The second he’s gone, Creedence Leonore Gielgud grabs Josh by the throat and hoists him into the air, Darth Vader style!

                                     Give Auntie Creedence a Kiss….

She chucks him over to her gang of Goblins, who carry him into a corner and surround him.

What are they going to do to him??

Of Course!! They’re going to feed him Green Goo!!

Hurriedly, Joshua digs through the backpack Grandpa gave him. This is as big an emergency as they get! What did Grandpa leave him? Will it be something to help resist the goblins?

It’s… It’s…

IT’S A DOUBLE DECKER BOLOGNA SANDWICH!!!

                                    In case you think I’m kidding.

Creedence Leonore Gielgud howls in terror. All the Goblins hands start shaking. “Don’t do it!” Gielgud implores him, “Think about the Cholesterol! Think about the toxins!!”

Joshua starts chowing down. The Goblins recoil in disgust, giving him time to race back to the Stonehenge Magic Stone and touch it once again. This time, with his mouth full of the power of Bologna!

             Actually, I don’t care for Bologna that much either.

His Family bursts in right on cue! Joshua tells them to put their hands on the stone with him because “Only the power of goodness can stop these monsters!” Just as I was thinking, that’s too bad, all that Thomas Edison Waits brought with him was the Power of Stupidity, he shouts out “Put your hands on the Stone!!” to his hesitant wife and daughter! For the first time in the movie, he believes what his son says!!

They all touch the stone. Josh implores with his high pitch whine for them to concentrate! Lightning begins to flash. Well, ok, some kind of cartoon drawing of lightning begins to flash. Gielgud screams in terror and pain, then pukes up some green goo. The Goblins all flounder about, disentegrating!

Behold, the power of the Stonehenge Magic Stones – when tainted by Bologna.

After a crescendo of lightning and screaming and sweating, and the Waits making scrunchy faces, a final burst of smoke fills the room… and the Goblin menace is over.

The Waits van is shown pulling safely into their driveway at home.

They had a frightening trip to the hamlet of Nilbog, but they escaped the Goblins and defeated them forever.

                                                      Or did they?

__________________________________________________________________________

Well, there you have it. Troll 2 is one of the most inexplicable movies of all time. It’s filled to the brim with bad acting, horrible dialogue, cheesy special effects, bad costumes, terrible plotting… basically everything you can ask for in a movie. I recommend it just as highly as I would any “Good” movie on the site. I think that if you can’t have fun watching this, there’s something wrong there. If you’d like to watch it in its entirety, it’s available right now on Netflix Watch Instantly.

Evidently the reason for its spectacular ludicrous-ness is that it was made in America by an Italian film maker, Claudio Fragasso, who didn’t speak fluent English at the time. He and his wife wrote the script – in response to her irritation with many of her friends turning vegetarian. He brought the film crew over with him from Italy. None of them spoke English either.

Read this about the actors. It’s enlightening. Helps explain why there are so many “Worst Acting Ever” clips out on YouTube.

“The cast had few experienced actors, and was primarily assembled from residents of nearby towns who responded to an open casting call. George Hardy was a dentist with no acting experience who showed up for fun, hoping to be cast as an extra, only to be given one of the film’s largest speaking roles. Don Packard, who played the store owner, was actually a resident at a nearby mental hospital, and was cast for—and filmed—his role while on a day trip; after recovering and being released from the hospital, he recalled that he had no idea what was happening around him, and that his disturbed “performance” in the film was not acting”

Once the film was finished, the distributers realized what kind of schlock festival they were dealing with, and they were the ones who decided to name it “Troll 2”, hoping to capture some of the allure of its predecessor, “Troll”, which was a similar crap-fest and will definitely one day be dealt with in this series.

It turns out that the child lead, Michael Stephenson carried a lot of embarrassment around with him growing up for having starred in this crap-fest. So what he did was he made a documentary entitled “Best Worst Movie” (because for years this movie enjoyed the distinction of being the lowest rated movie on IMDb. It still has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes) in which he travels around, finding the stars from the film and catching up with them. Accompanied by George Hardy, the dentist who played Mr. “Rocket Scientist” Waits, they also travel the country exploring the cult phenomena of this movie. Hardy turns out to be a very personable individual and definitely is the bright spot of Stephenson’s film. “Best Worst Movie” has been highly reviewed and earned a DVD release. I liked it. It’s no Troll 2, but few movies are.

So, see? This story has a happy ending after all.

 

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One thought on “Awesomely Awful: “Troll 2″ Part III

  1. Pingback: Getting into the Halloween Spirit–Horror Movies Style « jenkakio

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