Let’s open this one with this bit of fun… While surfing for images to lead this post with, I came across the “Rock and Roll Nightmare” soundtrack! A beaut, to be sure.
See if you can pick out which one of the following ridiculous song titles below is made up:
We Live to Rock (Let’s Tune Our Weapons)
Damage Control (Let’s Rock One)
Nocturnal Invader (Phil’s Demise)
March of the Purple Star Fish
Somewhere When Rises the Moon
Awww… I’m just messing with you! NONE of them are. Each of them is an actual track listing from the soundtrack to this movie!!
Well Allllrighhhht. :)
Tone set? Ready for some cheesy goodness? Click continue reading and let’s dive in!!
Nothing’s wrong here…. or IS it?
We open on a quiet farmhouse in the country. Mom’s cooking breakfast, the boy’s reading comics, the Dad’s shaving… just a typical family morning. Or is it? Before you know it, creepy, over-emphatic horror music starts to play. What’s wrong? What’s happening? The mother opens the refrigerator door and a red glowing light shows… before you can say “Zhuul”, the scene cuts upstairs where the father hears her screaming! He runs downstairs to the kitchen… but she’s gone already! He opens the oven and… and… oh my god, this burnt skeleton looking thing with bug eyes and vampire pointy teeth springs out! OH MY GODDDDDDD!!
Don’t be scared. No, seriously, don’t be.
After that ALARMING pre-title sequence, we head to the titles. The titles are confusing in one regard (“The Edge of Hell”? Huh? What?), but enlightening in another (Written by, Starring AND Produced by Jon-Mikl Thor? Ah ha!).
You know your movie’s cheap when you change the title for distribution purposes and you can’t even reinsert a new title card.
We’re also introduced to a recurring directorial motif for the film. This swirling, repetitive keyboard track (entitled “Spiralling Terror”), accompanying a rushing view from a hand-held camera as it sweeps through the house. I suppose it’s supposed to be, like, the view from the eyes of the malevolent spirits rushing through the house, but what it really is is cheesy directing. “Ouoooh Ouoooh Ouooooh! This house is haunted by a really bad director!! Ouooooooh!”
But as soon as the comedy of the credits is over, the action begins! Metal fans, you’re in for a treat… the soundtrack to this movie was done by none other than Jon-Mikl Thor and the Tritonz! (I’m beginning to smell “Vanity Project”… may just be me though) Thugging, chugging guitars accompany our introductory shot of the band’s van cruising down the highway…
THIS van is ALWAYS “A Rockin'”!
To say that the van takes a long time to arrive at its destination is an understatement. I know people who could bike to the farm-house faster than this thing got there. But I think it’s because Thor and The Tritonz wanted to showcase their entire song “The Magic Voice”. It’s a repetitive synthesized bass track with a voice over speaking such Heavy Metal bon mots as “Fact or Fiction? Life, Living.” and “Self Dramatization”.
Seeing as so much of this phenomenal film is dependant on the soundtrack, here’s a little bonus to this installment of awesomely awful! The “Rock and Roll Nightmare” soundtrack page is here on Amazon.com. You can sample all of the tracks as we go if you like! I’ll be sure to keep you up to speed with the maestro’s selections as we go! At the time of this writing, it’s #344,692 in Music! Far out!! (LOL, yeah, as in far out from the #1 spot! LOL! Wait… did I just heckle myself?)
Once the van finally arrives at the farmhouse (seriously, the A-Team spent less time in their van than these guys), the band rolls out and we’re told a few things about what’s going on. The Band is here for five weeks to record. They need ten more minutes of good material or they’ll forfeit their advance. I’m not sure five weeks will be enough.
No one has lived in the house for ten years (presumably since the incidence with the major appliances). The water and electricity has been turned on, but there’s no telephone, and no TV.
Jon-Mikl Thor (center) has some mild trouble with his line deliveries. I was legitimately surprised that he has more than one credit to his name on IMDb.
When one of the band members asks Jon-Mikl, “But why Canada?”, Jon-Mikl quickly responds “Because Toronto is where it’s happening man, the music, the film industry, the arts.” Of course, in the same breath, he follows THAT sentence with this one, “The only way to get you guys to rehearse is to lock you in a place where you have no distractions… nothing to do but play.” Which begs the question in MY mind, if you’re looking for a place with no distractions, why go someplace so “Happenin'”? Wouldn’t there be more distractions there? Further, if you’re going to just be locked away with nothing to do but play, why does it matter WHERE you are?
Hang on. Logic freeze. You know, like a brain freeze when you eat ice cream too fast? Damn it. Ah. Ok, better now.
This chick actually asks her boyfriend “Why couldn’t you become a coke dealer or something sensible?” In this context, it’s a perfectly valid question.
Most of the band mates and their girlfriends are generic
disposable characters, but there are two that stand out. The drummer’s girlfriend, whose purpose is to bitch about the accommodations as if they’re living in tents for a month, and the clownish “Manager” who arranged for the band to stay on Demon Farm. Of course, he can be forgiven since supposedly Alice Cooper and Rod Stewart have both also used the farmhouse/barn recording studio. LOL. No seriously, they say that.
Ah, the decadent Rock and Roll lifestyle. Its allure is so powerful… no wonder it claims the lives of so many talented young musicians.
The band settles in, and enjoys a meal together around the table. Normally I would call this phase of a movie “Character Building”, but this is “Rock and Roll Nightmare”, so… c’mon. We do find out that one of the couples is married… just recently in fact.
I swear, the line of dialogue that goes with this screencap is “There’s no place that we’d rather spend our honeymoon than with the band.”
Dinner finishes, and the band is ready to rock out! A smiling Jon-Mikl says, “Rod, Max, Stig, let’s tune our weapons!” and I got the same type of goosebumps I get whenever Captain America calls out “Avengers Assemble!” At this point, Jon-Mikl Thor is like a blond, cheery, hair metal David Cassidy.
The band head out to the barn, and it’s go time!! They rip into a rousing rendition of “We Live to Rock (Let’s Tune Our Weapons)”!!
Yup, that’s his “Practice” outfit.
Thankfully, this movie knows when it has a good thing going for it, and they pretty much play the entire tune! It’s practically a Thor and the Tritonz music video! Awesome!
WE LIVE TO ROCK!!
Ok, sorry. Back now. Hard to concentrate sometimes in the face of so much awesomeness.
Just as we’re all getting our groove on, though, that hand-held camera effect kicks in again “Ouoooooh!!!” And there, peeking out from the corner of the stage is… a one-eyed penis creature. I don’t know, you look and you tell me how to describe it.
You tell me. I mean, “One Eyed Penis Creature”, right?
On a positive note, I now have a slight mathematical chance that people searching the net for the word “Penis” will be directed to my blog. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.
So I don’t know at this point if this is supposed to be scary or outright comical. It’s such a fine line between stupid and clever. Regardless, the one-eyed penis creature spits in the cup of the manager, again reinforcing my “intentionally penised looking” theory.
The band takes a break after one tune. “Living to ROCK” is tough work. The drummer broke his stick, and thus the manager – who just unintentionally drank penis creature spit, is sent to the basement to get another. This makes the “Stig” the first drummer I’ve ever heard of who didn’t keep multiple sticks around, but I don’t think authenticity is this flicks strong suit.
Plus of course, all of the readers on this site are sharp enough to know that the only reason to send someone to the basement alone is to kill them so the other people aren’t aware of it, right?
But wait! Could we be wrong? Instant death is NOT awaiting him downstairs! Luanne, the drummer’s bitchy girlfriend is! Apparently one-eyed penis creature spit is some sort of pheromone or airborne aphrodisiac! She takes her top off and makes a play for him!
Does she follow through with it? Of course she does! This is a cheesy 80’s horror movie, folks!
But for some reason, the ominous music is playing, and Luanne is biting his neck a little too long. Is he going to eat it after all? Were my Awesomely Awful instincts correct?
YES!! She’s actually some kind of succubus demon faced chick!!
He should probably hit it anyways. I don’t think he’s going to get a lot of better offers.
He cries out in pain as she/it munches a piece of his neck off, and upstairs, Jon-Mikl hears the cry for help! Luanne is there with them… it’s not really her down in the basement! “That’s Phil, C’Mon!” yells JMT, and the whole band rushes downstairs together! By the time they get downstairs though, Phil is gone. They search around for him to no avail, but they do discover the van is gone! Now they figure Phil must have taken off with it. What I’d like to know is which of the three demon breeds we’ve seen so far know how to drive.
Once they all agree that Phil took off in the van and he’s not coming back tonight, they head off into the house. All except for Jon-Mikl Thor (I bet that’s not his real name). He stays behind even though his girlfriend tells him, “Dont stay too long, honey, your singing brought out the beast in me.” Which is good clarification, I thought I heard some dog howls during that tune…
Apparently Jon-Mikl isn’t convinced his friend would just take off like that, so he resumes his search of the basement. Still in his ridiculous, chest baring practice-wear, of course.
Jon-Mikl Thor. Demon Hunter.
Unsuccessful in his search, Jon-Mikl heads to the house and hits the sack. His girlfriend sighs and rolls her eyes as she can’t get him to pay sexual attention to her. She doesn’t realize that that’s because he’s attracted to himself. But down the hall, the guitarist is in a room all by himself so that the keyboardist (the only unaccounted for floozie in the crew) can slip in and make a play for him! You know what they say about bandmates who fool around together! Well… ok, I don’t either, but I’m sure they say something and it’s probably not good. The husband and wife are cooing at each other, and Stig is shown rolling off an unimpressed Luanne. Everyone in the house is getting it on except Jon-Mikl and his girl! Probably because he lives to ROCK.
Have I mentioned that the drummer has been speaking in this awful, fake, australian accent this entire time? I probably should now, because he’s about to eat it.
How do I know? THE MUSIC!! The music is everything in “Rock and Roll Nightmare”! As Stig gets up to take a post coital bathroom break, the evil bass riffs of “Unknown Stranger” kick in! (Don’t let the redundancy give you a brain freeze!)
Actually, this is how I’d like to spend MY last few minutes on Earth, too.
So, “Stig” hits the bathroom, and the evil music is playing, and he’s posing in the mirror and talking to himself, and the shadow of what I think must be the one-eyed penis creature is running around in the dark out in the hall, when suddenly this redheaded MILNF chick that he’s never seen before shows up! Is he scared? Is he at least startled? Does he say, “Who are you?” or “How did you get in here?” No. Of course he doesn’t, what movie do you think this is, anyways? In “Rock and Roll Nightmare”, when a strange, unattractive older woman in lingerie appears at the door, you get a goofy smile on your face and you go over to her!
Of course, you shouldnt be surprised if she turns into some variety of DEMON!!
Before and after, “Rock and Roll Nightmare” style. The Shining, it is not.
guy in the goofy demon mask Demon pukes up a can of tomato paste, and then reaches out and smothers “Stig”! When are people going to learn not to trust strange, willing chicks when they’re in a horror movie? GAWD!
But the Demon isn’t done there! He assumes “Stig’s” form, and walks down the hall where his bitchy girlfriend Luanne is primping her hair, still in bed!
What’s going to happen?! Will the Demon satisfy her in ways that “Stig” could not?
Will Jon-Mikl Thor root out the evil inhabiting the house?!
How many varieties of stupid, poorly designed demons can this movie throw at us? (There’s been four so far!)
You can read the exciting conclusion in: