Rock and Roll Nightmare (The Second Stanza)
You can read the first part of my Awesomely Awful “Rock and Roll Nightmare” write-up here.
When we last left our heroes, Thor and the Tritonz, everyone had settled in to bed for the evening, and was involved in some stage of hooking up or attempting to hook up. When Drummer “Stig” heads off to the bathroom alone, he meets his untimely demise at the hands of this creature:
Is that… ketchup? Tomato Soup?
Now the demon has taken on Stig’s form, and he’s headed into Luanne’s room! Will she fall for it? Can she be saved??
Read on Awesomely Awful fans, read on!
Luanne is shown primping her hair in bed before the demon enters, because we need to be reminded that she’s a bitch. But once its there, she and it get it on right away!
more victims some Thor and the Tritonz Groupies show up! Four chicks pull up in a car claiming to have heard the gossip that the group is in town. They head into the house, and are greeted by… the band’s manager? Wait, I thought he was dead? Uh oh… is it? Could it be another shapeshifting demon?
We’re left unsure for the moment. He uses the phrase “Absolutemente babes!” and tells the girls they need to show him their breasts in order to get a road gig with the band. I mean… he seems like a manager.
Demon, or douchebag? YOU make the call!
Oh, ok, there it goes. When the girls won’t show him their “Bazooms” (I swear, he uses that term), he starts getting angry and his voice gets all
computer modulated Demoney. He shepherds the girls down to the basement, and we’re shown he has a demon hand. He IS a Demon. Man! They had me guessing on this one…
The next morning, the married couple is shown downstairs doing dishes. What happened to Luanne last night, what happened to the groupies once the demon led them to the basement? We are left IN SUSPENSE. I hate the tension!! Anyways, the couple doing dishes is attacked by a demon, but you only see the demons arm as he yanks them off camera…
Thor is undeterred by the fact that half of his band is missing, out in the barn, he’s like “Let’s rock one for the newly weds!”
The rip into a version of “Energy”!!
Thankfully, it’s out on YouTube!!
It’s not the best video quality, I know. But with Thor and the Tritonz, it’s all about the music anyways. Well, except for the horror movie thing, I suppose.
Speaking of which, there’s a couple of things notable here. One, the drummer is there, in spite of being possessed by a demon. Two, Luanne is there, despite having sex with a demon. You know, I think it’s just, if you’re rocking out with Thor and the Tritonz on a regular basis… these demon things? They pale in comparison.
I’m tellin’ ya. Hair Metal David Cassidy. For real.
So after the band finishes their number, the band and their girls all pair off. Can you blame them? That was one HOT number, right? “En-er-gy gets me where I wanna be! Gets me wher–” Oh, sorry. So, yeah, they pair off and head out, cause Lord knows, practicing one song at a time is all Thor and the Tritonz need.
Oh, and once again, Thor’s chick comes onto him, and he brushes her off. He says he’s got to start working on a new love song. I’m guessing it’s entitled ”Me Me Me” but that’s nothing more than sheer fan conjecture, you know. Anyhow, when is his chick gonna learn? Thor lives to ROCK!!
Demon Stig the Demon Drummer walks Luanne the Demon Lover out to the pond, as “Steal Your Thunder” begins to play in the background. Once there, they plan to get it on, and Luanne gets topless for the third time in this flick. I need a counter keeping track of these things.
Just when Demon Stig the Demon Drummer opens his shirt, a Demon Hand bursts out of his chest! Hang on, brb. Ok, had to check IMDb to see if this movie came out before “Alien” or not. It didn’t.
This was PRE CGI folks. You know what that means. This shit REALLY happened.
Luanne is shocked! But not so shocked as she is once the demon hand cops a squeeze! (LOL, I… I seriously couldn’t make this stuff up people LOL). Her screams of terror are heard from inside the house, but the band members laugh it off saying “It sounds like Stig is giving her what she deserves”. Which made me wonder, what is that, then? A stabbing? A rape? Cause that’s what she sounds like right now…
So the guitarist and the keyboardist get back to getting it on. You know what they say about band mates who sleep together. You don’t, still? Neither do I, yet, but they have to say something I figure, right? So they’re getting it on, and it’s really the most awkward sex scene ever, and the camera kept like peeking around the corner and like up from the edge of the bed at them, and I thought that that meant the evil penis demon creature showing up again, but it wasn’t. They just sort of had goofy sex with no nudity. I guess the producers couldn’t afford this chick’s asking price and went with the Luanne 3 for 1 special instead.
Meta. In 1987. Don’t you tell me this film wasn’t visionary.
So they cut over to Thor and his chick (She doesn’t have a name. I don’t know, maybe she has a name… I don’t care what her name is really, do you?) in their room, and Thor’s chick drops her top, and Thor finally caves in. I guess you can live to ROCK and take a break now and then to hookup after all. The two off them head off and have a sex scene in the shower together! (I smell vanity project again for some reason) The whole scene is set to the hard-driving rock of “Somewhere When Rises The Moon”!
Ok. Well. Now that all the sex and nudity that the producers paid for is taken care of (Oh wait, this movie was produced by Jon-Mikl Thor himself, I forgot), its time to get back to fighting demons! Well, not that the band has done anything to this point but practice one tune at a time, have sex, and get their asses kicked by people in demon masks, but… that’s got to change at some time, right?
Then. Suddenly. The guitarist and keyboardist are finishing getting dressed after having sex and… this kid appears, peepin’ on them.
Where the hell did this KID come from?
All kinds of confusion hits me. I figure, its got to be the kid from the family when that family got attacked at the opening of the movie. But… where’s he been all this time? How did he survive the demons? Why is he peeping on these two NOW? AFTER they’re dressed? Honestly, it’s like no thought went in to this script whatsoever.
Oh, wait. Ok. Sorry…Right.
Anyways, the keyboardist sees the kid and he runs away. The music kicks into “March of the Purple Starfish” The band mate lovers chase after him to the barn.
HOLY SHIT!! He’s not even a kid after all! He’s a Demon!! You can NOT make assumptions with a movie like Rock and Roll Nightmare folks, because if you do it will tear them apart!!
This kid is STILL in therapy because if this role.
The two band mate lovers watch in horror as the kid slowly transforms… ok, well, there’s like a shot or two where they have like a pulsing bubble in his mask, then they use cut aways back and forth to the shocked band members while they change masks on the kid… listen, if you want special effects, watch “American Werewolf in London”, alright? Jesus… “Rock and Roll Nightmare” is about the TUNES, ok? And the DEMONS. You people are PICKY! Damn!
At least we figured out what they always say about band mates who sleep together. “Band mates who sleep together see demon kids in barns and then get killed off camera and we only see shadows.” I forgot, I used to hear that all the time when I was little.
Back at the farmhouse, Thor and his chick have set the table for dinner. But… no one is coming…
I’ve seen “Friday the 13th” movies where they piece together that people are disappearing faster than this.
What do they think is happening? They settle on “Phil (the manager, who’s been dead for like two days now) must have come back with the van while they were in the shower and driven everyone into town”. Thor says he’s going to put the dishes away and then go work on the “new love song” his chick says he should have added inspiration after their shower together. I’m thinking now it will be entitled “Me Me Me: Chicks Want To Shower With Me”, but again, it’s just the wild speculation of a fan.
She goes upstairs and washes her hand, and then sees the lil boy peeping in on her. I wonder if that will be the kiss of death for her.
But we’re not shown right away… instead, the scene cuts to Thor as he works on the love song and… what is that? Is it? Oh my god it’s back!! It’s the one-eyed penis creature!!
Thor saves the day by accidentally slamming his can of coke down on its hand… but the victory is short-lived as… another Demon appears!!
I call this one 6″ Vaseline Coated Pterodactyl Snake
How does Thor defeat THIS evil monstrosity? He drops his pen! Seriously. This is how
cheap scary this movie is. Thor drops his pen, the creature is tossed at him leaps at him, but goes right over his head. Then they show the thing all woozy and passing out from hitting the floor! Thor has Spider-senses like Spider-man!
But just as he’s getting back to “Me Me Me: No One Has Hair Like Me”, his chick is slowly walking up the stairs. Evil Demon music is playing. She has an Evil look on her face. I think she’s possessed! I think the little boy got her! Will Thor sense it? Will he figure it out before it’s too late?
“Enough, Jon” she tells him.
“What are you talking about, Randy?” He replies (Ohhhhh Randy! Her name is Randy! Ok… gotcha)
“We have to stop pretending… the guys won’t be coming back. They’re dead.”
Even though her voice is showing a touch of
computer modulation Demoney-ness, Thor still doesn’t believe her. What are you talking about, nobody’s dead, they’ll be back… I’m beginning to think he could rival Einstein Waits for the most clueless character in Awesomely Awful history. His chick Randy is pissed. You’re not listening to me! She bellows! (As opposed to the rest of this movie, when he’s treated her like a consigliere…) She hollers at him and begins to transform!
Eat your heart out, “American Werewolf in London”!
Thor – I swear – remains clueless for one second longer. “Nice effect Randy. I like that look” he quips. He’s probably used to her being a demonic bitch at home anyways… although in fairness, all she’s done here at the farm is hit him up for sex.
“I’ve quibbled with you long enough! Prepare to die”, the Demon bellows.
Evil one-eyed penis creatures begin to pop up all over the place! Apparently, it’s not just one creature, it’s an entire species!!
No joke required.
The Demon is shouting propaganda speech like a dictator, encouraging his penis minions to rise and destroy humans…
Thor is unimpressed. “You’re wasting my time, bub,” he says. (They’re big Wolverine fans up in Canada). His work on “Me Me Me: Even Demons Want Me” awaits!
“This is Incredible,” the Demon snarls, just as stunned by Thor’s reaction as we are, “It is almost no fun to kill one so stupid as to not know who it is that slays him!” (Thousands of “Rock and Roll Nightmare” viewers have nodded in agreement at exactly this point in the film)
Whoa whoa whoa! Thor knows who this is, alright. In response to the Demon, Thor goes on this lecture about Demons and their names as if he has a Phd. in Demonology! I almost forgot he was the lead singer of a Hair Metal band for a second. That shit comes with the territory!
“Is it less familiar to call you Beelzebub? Or do you prefer Abaddon; or as the Hindus called you, Shaitan; or as you are known to answer to, Ahriman? Belial? Apollyon? Asmodeus? Because, you see… I *do* know you”
Thor goes on to say that all the others, his band mates, their girls, the groupies… they were all only shadows he created to “entertain” the demon’s “little friends”. They were characters he drew from horror movies, in order to draw - I guess this is supposed to be Satan now, right – to draw Satan out into the open. “I knew if I pissed you off long enough, you’d make a personal appearance”. (As opposed to Jon-Mikl Thor himself, who probably makes personal appearances for $250 and up)
What the hell is going on here? Who is this guy?
A halo of light begins to shine around him, and the off camera wind machine starts blowing back his hair… HIS voice gets computer modulated and he announces…
“I AM THE INTERCESSOR!”
Thor makes a transformation of his own!! Of course, it basically just involves losing the sweater to reveal his oiled up torso and putting spiked leather wristbands and a spiked codpiece on, but, hey.
Thor then tries to defeat Satan by going through a series of bodybuilding competition poses!
Finally he announces, “I am Triton, the archangel. You’ve overstepped your line again, Bub.” In football, that’s a five yard penalty, but when you’re talking about Demons vs. Archangels, it has consequences for the entire World!
Jon-Mikl Thor never did get over not making it into Twisted Sister…
They engage in epic battle. And by Epic, I mean one of the greatest moments in unintentional comedy history, all set to the strains of “We Accept the Challenge”!
Listen, words can NOT do this scene justice. Here’s a series of screencaps below, for your viewing pleasure!!
Even pictures can’t do this thing justice. Watching Thor pose (he’s an actual ex-bodybuilding champion), dodge rubber penis-eyed starfish, catch penis eyed-star fish, and then wrestle with, punch, get punched by and eventually strangle this semi-animatronic Demon just can not be captured by the still frame.
THANK GOD FOR YOUTUBE!!
I’m still not sure how his victorious proclamation “I’ll see you again old scratch!” didn’t make it into the Pop Culture lexicon, but having the video to cherish is sufficient I suppose.
The movie has a bit of an epilogue where
Thor the Archangel Triton visits a grave and says he avenged their deaths… I’m guessing its the graves of the farm family that used to live in the house. Then there’s a shot of a suburban house, and some spooky music, and the camera pulls back before the credits roll. I guess it kind of implies the demon will be back without specifically showing it. Clever. Clever.
It’s not the greatest ending, but honestly, after your hero defeats Satan himself in a blaze of Roman candle flame, where can you go from there?
I’ll tell you where. Straight to a sequel. Well, 20 years after the fact, but there IS a sequel. It’s called “Intercessor: Another Rock and Roll Nightmare”. Can it be as awesome as the original? It IS one of these 20 years after the fact sequels…
Don’t you worry, I’m on the case! If it’s worthy, it will be another chapter in this series before you know it!
If you’re craving more Thor goodness, you can check out his official site “Thor Central: The Official Home of Thor, The Rock Warrior!” It’s got tons of stuff, including more stuff than you can shake a stick at on his store page. Right down to autographed hot water bottles. Why? I don’t even want to hazard a guess.
Well, that’s it for this one folks! I’ll be back with another installment of ”Awesomely Awful” before you know it. In the meantime, what did YOU think of “Rock and Roll Nightmare” Does it look awesome, or what? Is it worse than Troll 2? And how about the tunes? Awesome, right?