James Bond: Classic, Cheese or Crap? – “Diamonds Are Forever”

“Diamonds are Forever”

1971

Bond: Connery

Classic, Cheese or Crap?: CRAP

The only stinker in the canon Connerys.

Hey. 5 out of 6 ain’t bad.

It’s widely known that after Thunderball, Sean Connery began to tire of the part and ask out. The producers got one more movie out of him “You Only Live Twice”, before he “retired”. However, his replacement, George Lazenby, decided that he only wished to play the role once (although there’s quite a bit of doubt that he would have been asked to continue). Seeing as Lazenby’s “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” (OHMSS) only grossed half of “You Only Live Twice”, Producers Broccoli and Saltzman backed up the armored trucks to Connery’s door to convince him to play Bond again.

Connery was paid £1.2 million pounds to play Bond, a record amount of money for an actor (Converted to dollars and inflation adjusted to 2011 dollars, that’s today’s equivalent of $15.9 million).

In one sense, they got their money’s worth. “Diamonds” more than doubled OHMSS’s worldwide gross.

But what a stinker they all came out with.

Bond is tasked with infiltrating the world of diamond smuggling. He poses as a smuggler and makes contact with Jill St John’s character, Tiffany Case. St John isn’t the worst Bond Girl ever (at least she’s attractive and scantily clad most of the movie) but she certainly doesn’t rank amongst the best either.

Eventually the smuggling trail leads Bond to Willard Whyte, a Las Vegas casino owner – who turns out to be none other Blofeld himself. Blofeld has had total plastic surgery and utilizes a voice disguising contraption in order to explain the new actor to avoid capture. He’s been hording diamonds in order to build a massive laser in space. He intends to use the space laser on the cities of the world, unless his demands are met.

In the end, Bond foils his plot by destroying the headquarters of the laser’s control center, on an oil rig out at sea.

And the crappy plot is the least terrible aspect of this movie. Henchmen Wint and Kidd are only frightening if you factor in homophobia. Female henchmen Bambi and Thumper aren’t specifically mentioned to be lesbians, but they should have been. At least then this movie could have been the GLAAD Bond film. The action sequences are terrible, and sometimes downright silly. Bond literally drives in circles around a parking lot, but that’s not half as bad as when he drives a moon buggy with flailing arms around.

I really wracked my brain for a scene I liked in this movie and the only thing I could come up with is the fistfight Bond has in an elevator early on in the film. Other than that there’s a lot of pretty sad excuses for a villains, henchmen, action sequences… everything you look for in a Bond film.

Diamonds may be Forever, but this movie isn’t exactly a gem.

 

 

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8 thoughts on “James Bond: Classic, Cheese or Crap? – “Diamonds Are Forever”

  1. I despise this Bond film with a burning passion. I won’t tell you where I rank it (because I plan on eventually revealing the whole list) but I will say it’s pretty damn low.

    • 5? 6?

      LOL. I think I already guessed it was in your bottom three in one of the earlier posts.

      I’m not sure how bad I have it. I know it’s not worst. That’s TMWTGG.

      I bet next week everybody’s not singing the same tune around here though. It’s one of the movies I’m furthest away from the common opinion on. Stay tuned…

  2. Sorry have to disagree with the masses. I am a huge James Bond Fan and sure some of these movies were cheesy, but I am not a director either, so if I could do it better then it would be liked by the masses. I loved it because it was funny in some parts and I got to see the original Las Vegas when I was only 1 yrs old.

    • No “Sorries” Sonia, it’s all about opinions. I’m not a big fan of this one, that’s all.

      And yeah, I think all of us wish we had that Director magic. If we did, we’d be out there making awesome movies!!

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