We open with Lafayette and Jesus sharing a romantic breakfast.
Only Jesus doesn’t know Marnie is in control now, and he winds up getting stabbed in the hand by a fork.
Kind of like how Tony Romo stabbed me in the heart last night during the Cowboys game.
Sookie sees her dead Grandmother, and tells Tara. Tara asks what Sookie thinks her Grandmother would say to her if she was still alive. Surprisingly, the answer wasn’t “Quit being such a slut”.
Lafayette Marnie ties Jesus up and bitch slaps him when he invokes the name of Antonia Maria Conchita Alonso. She then tells Jesus a little Halloween history. Jesus chews her out, and insists “You can’t trade magic like Pokemon cards”, but Lafayette Marnie doesn’t listen. She turns the knife on herself so often I kept expecting her to bust out the Sherriff Bart lines. She tells Jesus she wants his powers. Apparently you can steal a Brujo’s powers by stabbing them in the heart.
Kind of like Tony Romo did to me last night in the Cowboys game.
Jesus gets stabbed, and Lafayette Marnie steals his demon face powers. At least, due to Lafayette’s “I see dead people” powers, he eventually got to say goodbye. Goodbye Jesus. You were a good character. We’ll miss you.
Bill and Eric are somehow suddenly chained up and getting burned at the stake. But Sookie whips out her occasionally accessible powers, Holly lays down a salt circle and then she and Sookie and Tara hold hands and summon up all the local ghosts in the Bon Temps cemetery, including Sookie’s Gran. Gran pulls Marnie out of Lafayette so that Antonia Maria Conchita Alonso can talk her into accepting death. Together they all walk off into the afterlife, but not before Sookie’s Gran tells her there’s nothing wrong with being alone, and that the answer is in her heart, not her vagina. Ok, I made some of that up, but it was pretty close!
In a shocking turn of events, Sookie actually listens to Grans advice and dumps Bill and Eric simultaneously. Of course, for a minute there, I didn’t think THAT was what she was going to do with them both at the same time.
In other Bon Temps news:
Arlene and Terry are dressed as zombies for Halloween. Arlene tells Sookie zombies are the new vampires, at which point Sookie probably wondered if that meant she was going to have to start banging Zombies. Terry meets up with a buddy from his days in the Marines whose life he saved a couple of times. Of course later the ghost of Bon Temps past visits to warn Arlene that he’s evil. I didn’t see that coming. Tuh.
Jonesing Andy Bellefluer has a cameo, but shows off his new sober confidence. Holly calls him Sherriff Andy, but the way he’s been notching the bedpost lately, I’m going to need a new nickname for him next season. Studly Andy? Swinging Dick Andy?
Tommy’s funeral is attended by four people. Sam, Sam’s girl, her daughter and Mrs Fortenberry. Tellingly, two of the four are there to support Sam. Mrs Fortenberry insists on being called Mama. I’d have taken a pass.
Speaking of Fortenberrys, Hoyt punches Jason in the face. Twice. And then kicks him. He deserved it. But the worst part may have been when he told him there was something inside him that was “Just missin’”. The truth hurts, and that was certainly true.
In happier news, just when I was about to decide as Director of the “Deborah Ann Woll Needs to put it on the Record Fund” to disband, and donate our remaining money to lingerie for her, we were given our greatest inspiration yet! We’ve decided instead to redouble our efforts for next year. She wants to do it ladies and gentleman, I know she does. We’re almost there, but we can’t be satisfied with close enough! We’re going to direct the money we raise next year to bribing her agent and the show’s producers that the full out nudity she’s so tantalizingly close to giving us is exactly what she needs to push her career over the top!! Her scene was a highlight of the night for me, as you can all imagine.
It almost made me forget the stab wounds I endured earlier during the Cowboys game.
The winner for this Season’s line of the year goes to Pam, for her emotionally charged, incredibly poignant, “Sookie! I am so over Sookie and her precious faerie vagina and her unbelievably stupid $&#%ing name!!” I’d like to thank all of this year’s contestants! It was sad seeing Pam cry for Eric, though. I know how she feels. Seeing what Sookie did to him this season almost made me cry too.
In an incredible, rapid fire, jaw dropping final minutes, we get the following shocking events:
Russell Edgington is out of his cement encasement!!
Reverend Newlin is back, and he’s a Vampire now!!
Bill and Eric kill Nan!!
Debbie Hairy shoots Tara, seemingly blowing the back of her head off!!
Then Sookie disarms Debbie Hairy and DEFINITELY blows her head off!!
Talk about ending with a BANG!!!!
And so, Season 4 comes to a close. To me, it wasn’t the best season overall, to put it kindly. There was Sam’s brother, the introduction of the “Faeries” and the panther village subplot. But once Eric regained his memories and the syrupy, candlelit drivel between him and Sookie wrapped up, the season definitely picked up. It helps that that coincided with the final handful of episodes, when series are always ramping up towards their finales.
But even though those storylines put a huge damper on this season, there were a lot of things I really liked. Marnie Antonia Maria Conchita Alonso was a good villain. Jesus and Lafayette both joined the supernatural side of the equation and Pam was given her biggest role in the series yet. And let’s not forget Evil Demon Baby, Jonesing Andy Bellefluer, and of course, Jessica and Jason!
And overall, the finale was explosive to say the least, and it set up Season Five EXCELLENTLY, when I was legitimately worried all it would offer us was Faeries.
So what did you think True Blood fans? Did you enjoy it? How about this season as a whole? What do you think of the setups they laid out for Season five? Is Tara really dead? Will Russell wreak havoc on Bon Temps again? Will Reverend Newlin get in the way of Jason and Jessica doing it every single episode? (I hope not) And can Sookie honestly avoid male Vampires without Necrophiliac Nymphomania Anonymous??
Let me hear it! This will be the last “issue” of the Bon Temps Weekly Gazette for nine whole months!!