“A View to a Kill”
Bond: Roger Moore
Classic, Cheese, or Crap: CHEESE
This was one of the movies in this series that I really debated a long time. It’s so bad, you have to acknowledge it. But its laughable, that makes it cheese. But it really stinks, I mean, that makes it crap. Yet I laugh so much, that makes it cheese! Crap. Cheese! Crap. Cheese! Crap…
I finally settled on Cheese.
Much has been made of Roger Moore’s age in this one, and deservedly so. He was 87. In its review for this film, the Washington Post wrote Moore’s “not just long in the tooth, he has tusks”. He uses a stunt double for everything, including throwing a punch and running up a flight of stairs… and it’s so completely obvious.
In fact, none of the action sequences are any good, really. Well, ok, the parachuting off of the the Eiffel Tower is pretty cool, but aside from that, the pre-title sequence is ruined by the completely out of place Beach Boys song “California Girls”, there’s a downright silly fire truck sequence with Bond swinging from the ladder truck, and there’s a fist fight scene between Bond and a couple of henchman in the foyer of Stacey Sutton’s home that is absolutely pathetic. The “Action Sequences” in this movie are arguably amongst the worst of the entire franchise.
May Day, played by Grace Jones, could have been a really good henchman! She definitely had the cool look, and a great name! But a) she sleeps with Bond (to call his bluff) and b) turns good at the end. I wish neither of them had happened. Between Moore’s age and Jones’ frightening looks, I think their hookup in this movie takes the award for “Worst Bond Hookup Ever” and second place isn’t even close.
But I dubbed this movie Cheese, so here come the fun parts. Mind you, I said the fun parts, not the good parts. I don’t want there to be any confusion.
First off, it has the infamous Duran Duran theme song and a dayglo title sequence. It is the quintessentially 80′s Bond opening. That alone gives it a Cheese factor.
Then, the villain in this movie is Max Zorin. Zorin is a grown up Nazi experiment raised by the KGB who wants to cause an earthquake which will in turn flood silicon valley, so that he can corner the market on silicon chips. In his spare time he races horses augmented with remote control computerized steroid injectors.
I didn’t make any of that up.
How are you not supposed to laugh? Did they ever for even a moment think someone could take that seriously? Atop of which he was played by Christopher Walken, and it’s too much fun to do your best Walken impersonation while you watch this movie. “I need more cowbell!”
But the pepperoni on this cheese pizza is Tanya Roberts.
Ok. LOL. So… Stacey Sutton is an Oil Heiress and a Geologist? (Holding my forehead, shaking my head) She values her principles more than $5,000,000, because that’s the amount of money she turns down from Zorin for the shares to her father’s oil company. “Ten times more than they’re worth.” Not only is she a terrible actress, her character is poorly written. 95% of her lines are comprised of the word “James”, either screamed, sighed or otherwise. The other 5% is scientific techno-babble that sounds absolutely hysterical coming from her. She was “snuck up on” by a blimp. The romantic chemistry between her and Bond is completely unbelievable, he’s obviously old enough to be her great-grandfather.
She should send a “Thank You” card to Denise Richards every year on the day “The World is Not Enough” was released for getting her off the hook as the worst Bond girl of all time.
Add to all of this the fact that Bond makes a Quiche.
Ah, I better go before I change this to “Crap”.