It’s time, it’s time!
Gather round your computer screens, put on your masks!
It’s time for the astonishing conclusion of “Awesomely Awful: Halloween III: Season of the Witch”!
It’s time, it’s time!
Dr Dan watches in dismay on the closed circuit feed as the Kupfer parents are eaten by the pile of vermin that insta-bred inside their sons rotted head.
As the guards lead him away, the scene cuts to the tv shop in Dr Dan’s home town. The Silver Shamrock commercial is playing for the eighth time. I swallow a bottle full of pills, but all I have is Advil, I don’t think they’re going to do the trick…
Happy Happy Halloween, Halloween, Halloween
Happy Happy Halloween, Sil-Ver Shamrock
The commercial spokesman is reminding the kids to be in front of their tvs at nine for “The Big Giveaway”, and to be sure to be wearing their masks. The movie rolls through a montage of trick or treaters across the country wearing Silver Shamrock masks as an extended version of the jingle plays. It becomes clear to me that the bottle of Advil will not kill me, at the least not quickly enough, and I contemplate putting my head through my plasma screen.
Seeing as young Fogs prefered KISS costumes, he would have survived the Silver Shamrock threat.
The threat of the movie is now clear. To recap:
A mad scientist with a robot army stole one of the stones from Stonehenge, and transported it to a secret lab in the basement of a Halloween novelty company in rural California. He and his electronic minions then chipped pieces of the pillar in order to put a tiny flake in each mask the company manufactured. A circuit in the tags of the masks will react with the company’s commercial at 9:00 on Halloween night and a laser beam inside the mask will fry the heads of the children of America, turning their craniums into larvae sacs for a variety of insects, arachnids, and small reptiles.
Why… she… had to go, I don’t know, she wouldn’t say
I… said… something wrong, now I long for yesterdaaaaaay
Even though their plan is mere hours away from fruition, a Silver Shamrock Cyborg Security guard sneaks in and kills Dr Dan’s
fallback tail the coroner with a power drill. Shades of a slasher movie… I’m desperate for anything at this point.
Dr Dan himself is hogtied in a Silver Shamrock closet, with a tv and a Halloween mask. Conal Cochran is standing there with him, monologuing. I just keep hearing Seth Green saying “Why don’t you just kill him now? Right now, don’t wait…” But then who would Cochran explain himself to?
Daniel Challis: Why, Cochran, why?
Conal Cochran: Do I need a reason? Mr. Kupfer was right, you know… I do love a good joke and this is the best ever, a joke on the children. But there’s a better reason… you don’t really know much about Halloween… you thought no further than the strange custom of having your children wear masks and go out begging for candy.
Conal Cochran: It was the start of the year in our old Celtic lands, and we’d be waiting… in our houses of wattles and clay. The barriers would be down, you see, between the real and the unreal, and the dead might be looking in… to sit by our fires of turf.
Conal Cochran: Halloween… the festival of Samhain! The last great one took place three thousand years ago, when the hills ran red… with the blood of animals and children.
Conal Cochran: It was part of our world… our craft.
Daniel Challis: Witchcraft.
Conal Cochran: To us, it was a way of controlling our environment. It’s not so different now… it’s time again. In the end… we don’t decide these things, you know… the planets do. They’re in alignment, and it’s time again. The world’s going to change tonight, doctor, I’m glad you’ll be able to watch it. And… happy Halloween.
So… He’s AN ENVIRONMENTALIST?? The mad scientist with the robot army that stole Stonehenge in order to booby trap children’s Halloween masks did it because he’s a pratical joking, astrology obsessed ENVIRONMENTALIST??
Tell me what it takes to let you go!
Tell me how the pain’s supposed to go…
Like Houdini crossed with James Bond, Dr. Dan escapes and crawls out through an air duct. Why do movie villains always leave movie heroes unattended to die? Why are movie air ducts always big enough to crawl through? Anyways, the clock says 8:11. The “Big Giveaway” is at nine. I’m rooting for him to stop the plot – not because he’s the hero or anything – I just figure if he stops this thing I won’t have to hear the Silver $&%#ing Shamrock jingle again.
Cochran and his robo-stooges learn of Dr Dan’s escape, but not before he can free Ellie. Together, they sneak into the Silver Shamrock secret Stonehenge science center… They’re hiding from the robots when Dr Dan pulls a mask tag from a cardboard storage box. It gives him an idea.
Heyyyy wait a minute….
He creeps over to an unmanned console and starts pushing buttons and knobs. The Silver Shamrock commercial starts playing for THE NINTH $&#%ing TIME!! I think I just gave myself a concussion banging my iPad against my forehead. Ha <em>n</em> g On, kO?
Alright cool. Thankfully, I’ve still got a stomach full of Advil. Fine I now think am.
Watch the magic Pumpkin… Watch…
The bass beat of the Silver Shamrock jingle keeps playing. $&%#ing thing sounds like an Oktoberfest Haus band if no one showed up but the keyboardist, and he was drunk.
Dr Dan and Ellie climb up to the rafters and dump an entire box of mask tags down onto the secret lab floor. They start sparking like tinfoil in the microwave as they fall, shooting out shocks of electricity that short-circuit the robo-scientists and robo-goons… The Silver Shamrock secret Stonehenge Science lab starts sending off sparks as if were hardwired with bottle rockets and sparklers. The Casio powered Oktoberfest plays on. Boo-poo boo-boo, boo-poo boo-boo, boo-poo boo-boo, boo-poo boo-boo… The magic pumpkins on the tv monitors flash wildly like strobe lights as the Stonehenge stone starts to hum. Cochran looks about, mildly panicked. The tv monitors form a glowing laser ring.
Cochran looks up to Dr Dan and Ellie in the rafters and gives them a sarcastic golf clap before the Stonehenge stone emits a laser beam that pegs him straight in the head, disintegrating him.
So farrrr away…
Doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door…
How I wish I could, but you’re so far awayyy…
Or are they?
Ellie was actually replaced by a robot!!! As she and Dan drive off, the car radio plays the SILVER $&#%ING SHAMROCK THEME FOR THE TENTH $&%#ING TIME!!! Ellie tweaks out!! SO DO I!! She grabs Dr Dan’s head and starts trying to rip his face off!! The car careens wildly off the road and slams straight into a tree!! Dr Dan and Robo-Ellie get out of the car to do battle!! Dr Dan grabs a tire iron out of the trunk and knocks Robo-Ellie’s head off with it!! But she won’t stop coming at him!! Her arm reaches out at him and strangle him even after its been amputated!! Her torso lumbers towards him and tries to strangle him with the other arm as well!!
He staggers into the same gas station that Ellie’s dad did. The Silver Shamrock theme song plays for the ELEVENTH time!!! (I give up! I Surrender! I’ll wear the &$%#ing mask!!) Dr Dan frantically calls… someone in power evidently. A group of trick or treaters wanders in as Dr Dan implores whoever he’s speaking to, begging them to shut off the broadcast. Its nine o’clock. One of the Silver Shamrock masked trick or treater is flipping through channels. The first channel cuts to “Technical Difficulties”… Dr. Dan’s connections must be pretty powerful! The trick or treater turns to a second channel, which is also having technical difficulties. But the third channel (In those days there were only 3 channels) has the Silver Shamrock commercial and the magic, flashing pumpkin! Dr Dan is screaming into the phone for them to stop it! Stop It! STOP IT!! But he can’t stop it!!!
The credits roll.
The viewer is left to wonder… did they shut off the signal in time. It has gone down with “Is Deckard a replicant?” as one of the greatest questions in film history. Or not!
So that’s it, folks, another episode of “Awesomely Awful” in the books!
Remember, if you want to catch this beauty for yourself, AMC is running it all week!!
In the meantime, Happy Halloween!!