J. Edgar

Ok, ok, ok, ok…. are you ready? Listenlistenlisten…

Snkkt. Snkkkt. Pbbbt… This is good. This is good.

I have the greatest gag in the world. I’m not even kidding. Real Ken Kesey level, Andy Kaufman, Project Mayhem type shit here. Are you ready? Listen.

Skkkhhht. LOL :D No seriously…

Go to Walmart or Target. Ok? Or a bike shop or a toy store or someplace ok? And buy… LOL… wait. No, wait. :D Buy A TRICYCLE HORN. Ok? With me? You know. A tricycle horn. Little ball at the end, you squeak it, you know the thing I mean.

And then smuggle that thing in with you to this movie, ok? Sneak that %$@#er right in. I’m not even kidding, this is BRILLIANT, ok? You OWE me if you do this. I may do this myself for real. Really, If I could stomach sitting through this &#%$ing movie again I would do this, it would kill. SO FUNNY.

Take the trike horn in with you and wait. Don’t worry, there will be PLENTY of chances. WAIT FOR IT. Ok? Give it like three quarters of the movie so that the audience is sitting with their head tilted sideways, depressed, thinking to themselves “Oh God, just @&%#ing shoot me now” (and they will) and then wait until there’s a super dramatic, over written, didactic, unscored, melodramatic, pompous, staid, heavy-handed “Moment” line with a really hyper-dramatic overbearing PAUSE right afterwards. Ok?

Right then.

**Sq-kerr!**

There is no way in this physical universe whatsoever that you do not absolutely destroy an entire crowd of people with gut wrenching laughter. You may have victims. People may die. But you would just SLAY. Ok? SLAY.People would laugh for twenty minutes straight, I am not kidding. Tears in their eyes, side-splitting, trouble stopping, full-bore belly laughing. MASS HYSTERIA. You would be the funniest person ever.

I am honestly considering doing this, I think it would be the funniest thing ever in the history of the face of the planet. For real.

Oh my God, seriously, Clint, LIGHTEN UP. Damn…..

I mean, who ordered the sawdust and talcum on white bread sandwich? I know I didn’t!

I never thought I would say a thing like this, but this movie needed Oliver Stone. Stone’s political biopics are thousands of times better than this. At least there’s some life in them. Gawd.

This movie is a serious misfire, with the emphasis on the word serious. This movie is so goddamned serious that it sucks the air out of the room. And the next room over, too. I guess that making a period piece about a repressed, ramrod straight, dead serious, dry, humorless individual isn’t such a good idea after all. Especially if you film it in a repressed, ramrod straight, dead serious, dry, humorless fashion in order to thematically reinforce the seriousness of it all.

If this is a faithful representation of the man, they should have taken some liberties.

It’s a shame, too, because there were moments of documentary level fascination here. You know, not from a fictional / entertainment / movie sense, but kind of like in a documentary where you’re watching the history of things and thinking, huh, that’s kind of neat how they did that, or you learn something and you’re like, I didn’t know that… but honestly, watch a history channel show on Hoover or something save yourself from this.

There is potential in the character and the times to make a fascinating movie here, and DiCaprio certainly doesn’t shoulder the blame, he did fine (although don’t let anyone tell you it was a great performance or anything – getting old age makeup applied doesn’t mean its a great performance…. there wasn’t room for a great performance in this film, there was no air left to breathe). The blame here has to fall entirely on Eastwood. This movie is ponderous and dull and stuffy and filled with hamfisted, self-important, trike horn worthy lines of dialogue. It was awful!

The only level I could potentially see anyone appreciating this film on would be a “what societal repression used to cause for homosexuals” kind of tragedy way, as Hoover and his “lover” are shown living their lives in unconsummated frustration due to his repression… but seriously, just stick with “Brokeback Mountain”, that’s 100x the movie this is.

History nuts would be better off reading a book on the man.

I can’t give it an F, there’s some decent ethical questions raised, there’s too many scenes that are ok, and the history of the whole thing does create some cool moments (not to the film’s credit much though – cool in a “that’s a cool historical thing that actually happened” sort of way), and DiCaprio had a couple of moments of okness, but honestly… just spare yourselves.

D

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18 thoughts on “J. Edgar

  1. LOL. So glad you have fun with these reviews. Makes the usual movie critic reviews look so “super dramatic, over written, didactic, unscored, melodramatic, pompous, staid, and heavy handed.”

    Speaking of pranks during a movie. Quick story, my freshmen year at college, we would often drive over to Clemson University from our small college in NE Georgia to go to the dollar movie theater. (Usually what college kids can afford) One night we got there a little late. The only movie of the two showing that had seats was Toy Story, so we bought our tickets and had to sit in the 2nd row at the front. About 30 minutes in, the emergency exit opens at the front left of the theater and someone walks in and toward the front screen center. We are like, “who is this?” Soon we see the flick of a lighter and they guy bolts for the door that he came in. Soon shots from a roman candle or some sort of firework shoots toward the ceiling filling the theater with sparks of light and smoke. We ducked for cover behind the front row and soon the manager and employees come bolting down the aisle saying “Someone needs to grow up!!” We the audience collectively pointed toward the emergency exit and say “He went that way!!”
    It was crazy at the time, but looking back it was worth the dollar admission to have a college moment I’ll never forget!!

    • Uhhhh…. Yeah I can see how that could be memorable, but DAMN! That’s dangerous!

      Not that I didn’t do my share of stupid, dangerous, threat to the safety of others “pranks” when I was young and dumb(er). But dude! That could have burnt down a theatre!!

      And thanks for the compliment, LOL. I thought of that DURING the movie, and was fighting back laughter on multiple occasions as I sounded my imaginary trike horn in my head. Oh my god. So I had to try to convey it and share the mirth…

    • Heh! Ok, ok. Fair enough.

      But if someone pulls my prank in your theatre I’m going to whoop it up over here. :D Internet influence baby!!

      Go man, go. I await your review. You know I’ll be there to read it… so… if you wind up digging it, that’s cool.

  2. I am dreading having to go and review this film today. I said it was going to suck a bag of dicks but my compatriots would not listen. Enjoyed you review and wish I had a trike horn handy for this afternoon.

    • :D I am so tempted to just play Tyler Durden now and start reimbursing people Tricycle Horn expense receipts. LOL.

      Yeah Iris, I think I though, this was the worst of his tendencies run amok. He’s had some brilliant movies, but some bad ones… this one bears no relation to the good in the good ones…

  3. You should do the horn stunt! I’m too inhibited. I haven’t seen the film, but heard it was pretty boring. This clinches it — I’m sitting this one out.

  4. Glad to see you’re back, Fogs!

    And I’m also glad I read this post. This is one of the movies I’m looking forward to see but, as you know, I have to wait a while. I’m going to see it anyway, but knowing that it sucks kind of eases my pain!

    • Thank you, it’s good to BE back. LOL

      I… honestly, yeah, I was disappointed, I think it stinks. I’d immediately set your hopes for a good movie aside, and then maybe you stand a chance of being “pleasantly surprised”.

      MAYBE.

      You know, point of future reference for you just in case you dont think of this. If you ever want to swing back on any of these once they’re released for you, just use the search function, and drop a thought so I can hear what you think about them. You know how it works, you always get to see the new comments, so…

      Cause trust me hey. I’m betting you eventually come back with a “You’re right, that stank” on this one.

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