I’m certain that every movie starts with the best of intentions. No Hollywood studio thinks the best way to MAKE money is to make you suffer. But every year, a handful of movies are hideously defective. Mutant creations, aberrations which offend the sensibilities.
These are the abominations of 2011.
Only the strong of stomach should click “Continue Reading”. Beyond… there be foulness.
And yes. I saw each and every one of these films – in their entirety – mainly in order to bring this post… to YOU.
Going in, I half expected that the action sequences and fight scenes, coupled with the strong supporting cast (Alfred Molina and Sigourney Weaver) would elevate this movie out of contention here. They didn’t. This movie has glaring logic flaws, piss poor action sequences, a stupid plot, and it’s headlined by the thespian skill set of Taylor Lautner.
At one point in the film someone says to his character, “Nathan… think.” and my thought was “OOH. No, don’t! Don’t hurt yourself!”
“Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son” – Even if there was an alternate universe where someone WANTED a SECOND sequel to “Big Momma’s House” (There was already a “Big Momma’s House 2″), no one asked for this. Another terribly thin excuse to put Martin Lawrence in a fat old lady suit, this time accompanied in the act of overweight crossdressing by Brandon T Jackson. It’s as sad as it sounds.
Think you’re ready for this movie? Try this… try to imagine Martin Lawrence delivering this line (’cause he does), and see if there’s a context where you DON’T want to puke:
“I’m not even wearing a clean pair of Granny panties.”
“The Change Up” - An insulting movie to sit through. I literally sat there feeling offended that anyone would expect me to find the movie funny. Aside from the tired, farcical body switching premise, the film is loaded with gross out gags and sophomoric jokes. I can appreciate low brow humor as well as anyone. But this was just Low Brow.
To top it all off, in order to try to support the body swapping conceit, throughout the majority of the movie Ryan Reynolds tries to do Jason Bateman’s comedy style, and vice versa. Neither one is succesful, and because the lead actors weren’t even allowed to perform their own patented brand of schtick, you’re really left with nothing here. Except pain.
“Immortals” - Don’t let that (comparatively) beefy Rotten Tomatoes score fool you. This movie stank out loud. I cannot wait to do “Awesomely Awful: Immortals”. I am literally excited to do it. This can’t come out on DVD fast enough for me. Dumb plot, full of holes, stringing together comically shot slo-mo action “RRRAAGGRH” filled sequences suffering from steroid induced overdoses. And it’s all delivered by wooden actors and actresses in silly costumes being given hack-level direction!
The cherry on top of this crap sundae is Mickey Rourke, who gives the “I couldn’t give less of a shit” performance of a LIFETIME. “Immortals” puts the “Awe” in Awful.
“Jack and Jill” – Wrap your head around this. As ugly a “Woman” as “Jill” is… her looks aren’t her least appealing feature. Sandler created a character that was shrill, needy, fragile, clumsy, annoying, and stupid. And yet, somehow this movie has the gall to put forth that Al Pacino – not a character played by Al Pacino, mind you, but Al Pacino himself – becomes hopelessly smitten by her. Think that would be funny? Think again.
It’s a stunted, unbelievable, painful excuse of a movie topped off with more product placement than you can handle. That’s ok, they save the day with bathroom humor. Or not – but they DO try to.
The situations in this movie just get dumber and dumber and dumber, and they’re all delivered to you via some of the WORST comedic performances ever. This is where Nick Swardson first appeared on my “Gah! Stop it!” radar, and Nicole Kidman absolutely embarrasses herself. There is not a single funny moment in this movie. Adam Sandler absolutely mails it in, but the more I think about it… maybe he was right. Maybe he got stuck and was like “I’ll just pretend to be dead and maybe this movie will go away…”
“New Years Eve” – This film is the feature-length adaptation of a July 2009 issue of “US Magazine”. A major portion of its gameplan for success is to stock every single frame with a recognizable actor or actress of some degree, so the movie features 738,129 people you recognize. They each have their own storyline revolving around “the magic of New Year’s Eve”. Unfortunately each of these arcs are trite, saccharine, and insubstantial.
But that’s ok, the smiles of the cast will win you over, as all of them celebrate the night the ball drops as if it’s their fairy &$%#ing Godmother, turning their pumpkinish lives into magic carriage rides. I choked back my urge to vomit no less than 8 times.
“Priest” Priest is a cartoonishly stupid movie, set in a dystopian future where the clergy rules the “Cities”, and beyond are desert wastelands, crawling with Vampires… except in this movie, “Vampires” are really bear sized, hairless, eyeless mutant beasts. That’s ok, the “Priests” are here to protect us!
The “Priests” in this movie are “Matrix” style warriors who occasionally stop to pray before or even during combat. Their weapons of choice? Why, cross-shaped knives and throwing stars of course! I don’t have space in this blurb to recount all the ridiculousness running amok within this movie - suffice it to say it’s utterly laughable, and filled with horrible dialogue, bad acting, comical creatures, and a patently ludicrous plot.
“The Roommate” - The Roommate stars Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester. Either of these girls would have a promising career ahead of them as a mannequin. Not to call their performances wooden. At some point in time, wood needs to grow.
This movie is an exercise in stupidity throughout. Absolutely no rationale is given for “The Roommate”‘s psychotic behaviour. But that’s ok, by the end of the flick you’ll probably be wondering what everyone ELSE’S problem is. You know, typical questions, like “Why wouldn’t you call the cops, or her parents, or the dorm RA, etc” Minka Kelly’s inability to emote during the film’s climactic scene was the scariest thing about the entire movie. _______________________________________________________________________
I’m going to be completely honest. I was like two-thirds of the way through the movie, and – like the titular Witch – I had only caught glimpses of this movie’s true nature. I was watching it, and not that I felt it was good or anything, but I was like, what’s the big deal? This movies not THAT bad… But then they arrive at their destination and the “Witch” reveals her hand. I’m going to try to spell out the what I yelled out at my TV… imagine a “fist pump” on the “yeah”.
“Ohh Ho Hogh WHOAH, YEAHHH! HA HA HAA!” _______________________________________________________________________
So there you have it folks. My selections for the most cringe worthy torture fests of the year. Just to give you some context of the extensive puke inducing extravaganza I endured in order to ensure this list was well researched, here are a couple of additional movies I watched as candidates which I didn’t feel worthy of making the final cut… ”Arthur”, “Red Riding”, and “Zookeeper”. I mean, good lord.
But I survived. I made it through. I only suffered some mild bleach related eye damage.
Apparently you cannot “unsee” something.
Once again, I’m forced to confess that I did not get to see “Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star” I have a feeling that it would destroy all of these. I’m thinking about giving it a shot at the title when its released on dvd in a couple of weeks. Some kind of epic battle of awfulness that I would write up in a post… Something like the winner of this category being forced to defend their title against the number one challenger, and I skewer them both comparatively. I just dont want to undermine this listing… these movies are perfectly legitimate of holding the title of “Worst Movie”. Each of them stank in their own way.
I just have a feeling that “Bucky Larson” could be a Bad Movie Behemoth.
So what do you think people?
I didn’t go through all of this to put it to a VOTE You know I love getting feedback and input on these important decisions! Have you seen any of these movies? Or did you avoid them like the plague? If you’ve seen more than one, first of all, my apologies, but which ones did you think were the worst??
Let me hear it!!