The 2011 FMR MAJOR Awards: Worst Picture Nominees

I’m certain that every movie starts with the best of intentions. No Hollywood studio thinks the best way to MAKE money is to make you suffer. But every year, a handful of movies are hideously defective. Mutant creations, aberrations which offend the sensibilities.

These are the abominations of 2011.

Only the strong of stomach should click “Continue Reading”. Beyond… there be foulness.

And yes. I saw each and every one of these films – in their entirety – mainly in order to bring this post… to YOU.

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“Abduction” – “Abduction” ought to come with a Surgeon General’s warning label. “Warning: Watching ‘Abduction’ has been shown to cause brain damage.”

Going in, I half expected that the action sequences and fight scenes, coupled with the strong supporting cast (Alfred Molina and Sigourney Weaver) would elevate this movie out of contention here. They didn’t. This movie has glaring logic flaws, piss poor action sequences, a stupid plot, and it’s headlined by the thespian skill set of Taylor Lautner.

At one point in the film someone says to his character, “Nathan… think.” and my thought was “OOH. No, don’t! Don’t hurt yourself!”

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“Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son” – Even if there was an alternate universe where someone WANTED a SECOND sequel to “Big Momma’s House” (There was already a “Big Momma’s House 2″), no one asked for this. Another terribly thin excuse to put Martin Lawrence in a fat old lady suit, this time accompanied in the act of overweight crossdressing by Brandon T Jackson. It’s as sad as it sounds.

Think you’re ready for this movie? Try this… try to imagine Martin Lawrence delivering this line (’cause he does), and see if there’s a context where you DON’T want to puke:

“I’m not even wearing a clean pair of Granny panties.”

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“The Change Up” - An insulting movie to sit through. I literally sat there feeling offended that anyone would expect me to find the movie funny. Aside from the tired, farcical body switching premise, the film is loaded with gross out gags and sophomoric jokes. I can appreciate low brow humor as well as anyone. But this was just Low Brow.

To top it all off, in order to try to support the body swapping conceit, throughout the majority of the movie Ryan Reynolds tries to do Jason Bateman’s comedy style, and vice versa. Neither one is succesful, and because the lead actors weren’t even allowed to perform their own patented brand of schtick, you’re really left with nothing here. Except pain.

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“Immortals” - Don’t let that (comparatively) beefy Rotten Tomatoes score fool you. This movie stank out loud. I cannot wait to do “Awesomely Awful: Immortals”. I am literally excited to do it. This can’t come out on DVD fast enough for me. Dumb plot, full of holes, stringing together comically shot slo-mo action “RRRAAGGRH” filled sequences suffering from steroid induced overdoses. And it’s all delivered by wooden actors and actresses in silly costumes being given hack-level direction! :D

The cherry on top of this crap sundae is Mickey Rourke, who gives the “I couldn’t give less of a shit” performance of a LIFETIME.  “Immortals” puts the “Awe” in Awful.

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“Jack and Jill” – Wrap your head around this. As ugly a “Woman” as “Jill” is… her looks aren’t her least appealing feature. Sandler created a character that was shrill, needy, fragile, clumsy, annoying, and stupid. And yet, somehow this movie has the gall to put forth that Al Pacino – not a character played by Al Pacino, mind you, but Al Pacino himself – becomes hopelessly smitten by her. Think that would be funny? Think again.

It’s a stunted, unbelievable, painful excuse of a movie topped off with more product placement than you can handle. That’s ok, they save the day with bathroom humor. Or not – but they DO try to.

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“Just Go With It” – Unfunny. Lazy. Dumb. Repugnant. If “Just Go With It” didn’t have Brooklyn Decker to drool over, it would have no redeeming virtues whatsoever.

The situations in this movie just get dumber and dumber and dumber, and they’re all delivered to you via some of the WORST comedic performances ever. This is where Nick Swardson first appeared on my “Gah! Stop it!” radar, and Nicole Kidman absolutely embarrasses herself. There is not a single funny moment in this movie. Adam Sandler absolutely mails it in, but the more I think about it… maybe he was right. Maybe he got stuck and was like “I’ll just pretend to be dead and maybe this movie will go away…”

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“New Years Eve” – This film is the feature-length adaptation of a July 2009 issue of “US Magazine”. A major portion of its gameplan for success is to stock every single frame with a recognizable actor or actress of some degree, so the movie features 738,129 people you recognize. They each have their own storyline revolving around “the magic of New Year’s Eve”. Unfortunately each of these arcs are trite, saccharine, and insubstantial.

But that’s ok, the smiles of the cast will win you over, as all of them celebrate the night the ball drops as if it’s their fairy &$%#ing Godmother, turning their pumpkinish lives into magic carriage rides. I choked back my urge to vomit no less than 8 times.

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Priest” Priest is a cartoonishly stupid movie, set in a dystopian future where the clergy rules the “Cities”, and beyond are desert wastelands, crawling with Vampires… except in this movie, “Vampires” are really bear sized, hairless, eyeless mutant beasts. That’s ok, the “Priests” are here to protect us!

The “Priests” in this movie are “Matrix” style warriors who occasionally stop to pray before or even during combat. Their weapons of choice? Why, cross-shaped knives and throwing stars of course! I don’t have space in this blurb to recount all the ridiculousness running amok within this movie - suffice it to say it’s utterly laughable, and filled with horrible dialogue, bad acting, comical creatures, and a patently ludicrous plot.

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“The Roommate” - The Roommate stars Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester. Either of these girls would have a promising career ahead of them as a mannequin. Not to call their performances wooden. At some point in time, wood needs to grow.

This movie is an exercise in stupidity throughout. Absolutely no rationale is given for “The Roommate”‘s psychotic behaviour. But that’s ok, by the end of the flick you’ll probably be wondering what everyone ELSE’S problem is. You know, typical questions, like “Why wouldn’t you call the cops, or her parents, or the dorm RA, etc” Minka Kelly’s inability to emote during the film’s climactic scene was the scariest thing about the entire movie. _______________________________________________________________________

“Season of the Witch” This movie is the story of a pair of medieval knights who are charged with delivering a captive Witch from one city to another.

I’m going to be completely honest. I was like two-thirds of the way through the movie, and – like the titular Witch – I had only caught glimpses of this movie’s true nature. I was watching it, and not that I felt it was good or anything, but I was like, what’s the big deal? This movies not THAT bad… But then they arrive at their destination and the “Witch” reveals her hand. I’m going to try to spell out the what I yelled out at my TV… imagine a “fist pump” on the “yeah”.

“Ohh Ho Hogh WHOAH, YEAHHH! HA HA HAA!” _______________________________________________________________________

So there you have it folks. My selections for the most cringe worthy torture fests of the year. Just to give you some context of the extensive puke inducing extravaganza I endured in order to ensure this list was well researched, here are a couple of additional movies I watched as candidates which I didn’t feel worthy of making the final cut… “Arthur”, “Red Riding”, and “Zookeeper”. I mean, good lord.

But I survived. I made it through. I only suffered some mild bleach related eye damage.

Apparently you cannot “unsee” something.

Once again, I’m forced to confess that I did not get to see “Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star” I have a feeling that it would destroy all of these. I’m thinking about giving it a shot at the title when its released on dvd in a couple of weeks. Some kind of epic battle of awfulness that I would write up in a post… Something like the winner of this category being forced to defend their title against the number one challenger, and I skewer them both comparatively. I just dont want to undermine this listing… these movies are perfectly legitimate of holding the title of “Worst Movie”. Each of them stank in their own way.

I just have a feeling that “Bucky Larson” could be a Bad Movie Behemoth.

So what do you think people? I didn’t go through all of this to put it to a VOTE You know I love getting feedback and input on these important decisions! Have you seen any of these movies? Or did you avoid them like the plague? If you’ve seen more than one, first of all, my apologies, but which ones did you think were the worst??

Let me hear it!!

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20 thoughts on “The 2011 FMR MAJOR Awards: Worst Picture Nominees

  1. I had no desire to see any of these movies. Glad I didn’t. For me, anything with Martin Lawrence in is going to suck. I don’t find that guy funny in the slightest. Adam Sandler has always been decently funny and if you watch him with a whole lightheartedness and not expect a deep story, then it’s all good. And Taylor Lautner, I expect to be bad, just look at the gay movies called Twilight. As for that faked People magazine cover about him, I bet in a few years it will be the real deal, lol.

    • A long time ago, Lawrence was funny enough.

      Sandler… man… I dunno. Both of these movies really challenge your theory there. I’m fine with lessened expectations and seeing a decent enough little movie… but man, I cant lower them THIS much.

      As for Lautner, LOL. I just can’t get past the fact he never changes the expression on his face. It’s like a mask or something!

      • Yep on Lautner. But the teenage girls love it.

        I am thinking more of Sandler’s old movies like Mr’ Deeds, Waterboy, Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. It was pretty much the same story but there were funny parts in all of them. Grown-Ups was hilarious but he had a lot of good people in that one too, half the SNL cast. Bedtime Stories was a good family movie. I haven’t seen his latest too, He’s not something I’d pay movie prices for, he’s a rental or cable actor for me.

        The only thing I ever liked done by Lawrence was Open Season. I found it funny.

  2. This is so funny! And that Taylor Laughtner comment you made from a couple of posts ago was hillarious! Solving a riddle omg:)

    Btw my sources tell me that They are close to cracking the algorythm on the a…. Twilight “project”. The Chinese are involved now and They believe the whole blog is in code… I told them no, but … Godspeed my good man. I’ll have Igor call you with directions to Assuage’s safehouse.

  3. Season of the Witch, yet one more reason why Nicholas Cage should really have his horse-face converted into glue, pronto. Also a major part of any argument against nepotism. How on earth did he ever win an Oscar?

  4. How did your eyes not burn up after seeing all of these piles of poo?! I commend you and your eyeballs.

    I have no desire to see any of these, but thanks for the warning!

    • Heh.

      Wana know what’s even worse? I watched 75% of them within a few weeks of each other! Here’s a strange phenomenon that I realized when I started to put this thread together… we dont go to SEE these movies in the theatre often. The bad ones? We stay away! Then finally, like, one day on cable or something we’ll give them a shot.

      Next year wont be like this for me, because I’ll have had the blog going all year long, but this year? I had a LOT of catching up to do. :D

      • I do that a lot. I think I saw some of the worst films of my year last year when I was on holiday in Sri Lanka, the hotel had HBO, it was 3am and I had nothing to do.

        I was better off going to sleep than watching some of what I watched!

  5. I am happy to say that not only did I not see any of these movies, but I even avoided seeing the trailers for many of them. Saw the Priest trailer more times than I cared to, though. I suspect that’s one movie where they might have gotten more people into to the theatre had they not released a trailer, because there wasn’t any way they could make that look like anything other than a mountain of crap.

    I suspect that I probably would have hated every last one of these. But for picking the “worst”, in a completely blind and ill-informed manner, I’m personally weighing intent. Abduction, New Year’s Eve, and maybe one or two others look like they were actually aiming at a good movie. But the idea that somebody thought people might actually want to see Big Mommas or Jack and Jill (or Bucky Larsen) is just plain insulting. Big Mommas is particularly strange since, looking at the box office, the second film cost a bit more to make and made less than the original… and they still decided “hey, the public must want a third!” Hopefully #3 making only its budget back will convince them not to do a fourth.

  6. This post makes me laugh. Can’t believe u watched all these. I think i speak for us all when I say…thank you. Ha.

    Ur list mirrors mine quite a bit. With 1 exception that u so graciously pointed out. Lol.

    Oh, and u were right. Bucking Larson STILL isn’t bootlegged. I checked too. Wow. No one likes it. Winner by default.

    • LOL! We’re gonna see. When it comes out, I need to check it. It’s 0% RT score is like… calling me.

      If it’s that bad, I’ll do some kind of cage match post and re-award this one. :D

      And, yeah, on THAT movie, T, to each his own, you know? But I believe the word I’m looking for is “Eesh”. :D

      That’s alright, I’ll bust balls a little on that one, I’m off to see if you give me crap for “Tree of Life”

    • Its funny how that works. I’ll do better on it this year, because I’ll know what’s going on… but between not blogging in the first half of the year, and then in the second half, not really reviewing all the BAD movies, I realized… we tend to SKIP this crap in the theatre. If you have any taste, you can usually see this stuff coming from a mile away!

    • Wellllll….

      There’s a bit of a masochistic streak in me when it comes to watching bad movies. I enjoy watching the truly awful ones and going. Oh. God. That’s AWFUL. LOL

      It WILL be nice to know that I’m going to do this next year from the start of the year though. That way I dont have to cram so many pieces of junk into such a short window!!

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