Drum roll please.
Or in this case, perhaps a de-dum-tum-tsccch rim shot would be more appopriate.
Here we are. The WORST Movie released in 2011. There’s a lot of stinkers. Hollywood will do anything to make a buck. But in these cases, they crossed the line. These movies were laughable attempts at making a “quality” product, they reaked like rotting fish. I wouldnt wish them on you under any cuircumstances.
Your nominees are: “Abduction”, “Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son”, “The Change Up”, “Immortals”, “Jack and Jill”, “Just Go With It”, “New Year’s Eve”, “Priest”, “The Roommate”, and “Season of the Witch”.
The crate please! Wait. What… what’s that sound… why is my desk shaking? The floor? What’s going on? Oh no! It can’t be! It’s… It’s…
“BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR”
Oh, %$#&ing God, BAD.
Listen. I’m sorry. I didn’t see this in time to put it in with the nominees. I noted that though, you can check. Well, in between then and now, the internet Gods smiled upon me and prevented me from doing a terrible miscarriage of justice to one of the fine, decent, praiseworthy films that were previously under consideration to be given this badge of shame.
WARNING: OK? This movie is offensive. And if you read on, you’re going to hear about it. I apologize in advance. I hope this blog never sinks this low again.
This movie revolves around a moron with huge buck teeth and a bowl cut who speaks with a heavy Minnesota accent. The picture on the right should tell you what you need to know… except take how smart you think he is and divide it in half. Now you get it.
Take a good look at him.
Don’t find it funny? Sorry then, you’re shit outta luck, because that is the high point of comedy in this flick.
The plot begins when he goes over to watch a porn movie with his buddies and discovers that his parents used to be porn stars. I’ll spare you the details of that horrifying scene. Nah, you know what? %#$& that!! I didn’t sit through this #%$&ing bullshit so you could get off easy. His moronic friends are having a masturbation party, ok?! And Bucky’s supposedly so dumb they have to tell him how to do it, and he does, while they’re telling him what to do, so there’s that, and he’s in the midst of pleasuring himself in this wild, emphatic, erratic manner thats supposed to be funny when his parents appear on-screen, get naked and have sex. When the realization of their identity hits him, Bucky’s eyes light up.
Mercifully the scene ends there, but do you get the type of thing we’re dealing with here?
Moron that he is, he’s all happy to see his parents were in movies. He confronts them, and they’re all too happy to share about it. Bucky, the buck toothed moron, is then convinced that since his parents were porn stars, he’s destined to be a porn star. So he heads out to LA to find work in porn.
And that’s when this movie REALLY kicks it in to high gear. Bucky does indeed get involved in the world of pornographic films. The primary “comedic” crutch they use is that he’s so easily excitable he ejaculates instantaneously at seeing women naked. And when that happens to him, he pretty much thrashes around like he’s having a seizure, while schreeching loudly like an injured monkey. And of course… how can I phrase this most delicately? His uncontrolled flailing about typically leads to… emissions related collateral damage following his… rapture.
Their secondary “comedic” crutch is that he has an outrageously small penis. “Hung like a ladybug” to borrow a phrase from the film. At one point he uses a drinking straw with one end melted shut as a condom. That’s ok, because his miniscule penis is accompanied by an enormous forrest of pubic hair.
They show it.
I swear, I had this thought at least six times while watching this movie: “Dude, that’s enough. They won’t know you didn’t watch the whole thing. You can stop now.” I didn’t. I watched through to the end. And I can tell you this… let me tell you how bad this movie is. Somehow, they got the rights to use Journey’s “Faithfully”. Ok? And when that song came on I was MAD. I was like, %$&# you for using that song you piece of shit movie. This movie has no right. I’m still kind of pissed.
I feel bad for Don Johnson, Christina Ricci AND Pauly Shore for being in such a sad state of affairs they had to be in this.
Trust me, just stay away. This movie is vulgar, unfunny and offensive. If you watched it, you would see way more of Nick Swardson than you ever wanted. There’s jokes involving penises, breasts, pubic hair, masturbation, and of course, pornography. But wait! There’s more! There’s jokes involving ejaculate, dildos, anal sex and sex with animals, too!
If you have the guts… Check out the red band trailer on YouTube. It’s 2:30 minutes of the extended movie trailer, unedited, with nudity and the gross out jokes and everything… so you can get a reallllll flavor for this flick. I’m not going to embed that %#$&ing thing here. Or link to it. I actually regret even mentioning it.
Normally I put a paragraph here explaining how the other nominees were worthy too. They’re not. Compared to this one, those flicks are KEEPERS. Buy their deluxe, collector’s edition box set DVDs before you even think about renting this.
“Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star”.
The FMR MAJOR Award Winner for Worst Picture of 2011.
Normally, I put a “Hook Us Up” banner here.
But don’t inflict this post on other people. I feel bad enough putting you through it.
You showed me you can have dreams! And that your dreams can make your downstairs explode with magic!
- Bucky Larson