Fogs’ Oscar Diary: Pt 1 The Red Carpet

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Overture, curtain, lights!
This is it. The night of nights.
No more rehearsing or nursing a part.
We know every part by heart!

Overture, curtain, lights!
This is it. We’ll hit the heights!
And oh, what heights we’ll hit!
On with the show, this is it!

Ok, here we go folks. I honestly don’t watch the actual Oscar ceremony often, and when I have it’s always been kind of a sporadic thing, clicking through, waiting for the big awards. I’ve never watched an entire show, never seen the red carpet pre show… Seeing as I’m blogging now though, I figure I’ll keep a running diary so if anyone wants to snark along they can! I’m going to try to post once an hour, or as closely thereto, where breaks and such make sense.

Bear with me through typos and whatnot, there won’t be time to edit.

Ok? Hope it works.

And we’re off…

Robin Roberts. Huh. So this is “Life after ESPN”, huh? I didn’t like her when she was broadcasting about SPORTS. I think I’m in trouble already.

Louise Roe. Glamour.com fashion editor. God. So do I have to listen to this chick pour her accent all over the place for the next hour?

The “Green Room” has a sponsor? And it’s architectural digest?

Tim Gunn and Nina Garcia remind me that watching this might be a sign of being gay.

Octavia Spencer is our first star. Of course, she’s talking her dress and not her movie. LOL. I’m in for a rough hour.

Jonah Hill with his mom. If you told me that was Alice Cooper in a dress, with massive hair extensions, I’d believe you.

Tim Gunn just said something about he’s wearing womens support undergarments (“shape-wear”) while talking to Maya Rudolph. He said “they make them for men”. Tim? Let me clear something up for you. No, they don’t.

Rooney Mara just stuffed Robin Roberts stupid comparison to the Superbowl, LOL.

Wow, Jessica Chastain’s looking good huh?

Milla Jovovich says it’s her first time at the Oscars. Tim Gunn is the only human being alive who’s surprised.

Robin Roberts just needed her Producers to tell her through her headpiece who she was talking to. That was fun. Bob Iger of Disney and some royalty from Monacco.

Ok if I make a fashion related comment, that’s a man card violation, right? Can’t help it, Emma Stone looks frickin’ dumb with that huge ass bow on her shoulder. It’s like a prop from a Christmas car sales commercial…

Tim Gunn and Nina Garcia are breaking down fashion shit like their the Monday Night Football crew. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting.

Viola Davis’ hair is like, orange.

Michelle Williams dress IS orange.

Why don’t fashion designers ever make dresses that make these actresses look hot?

Christopher Plummer is just missing the hat from his Willy Wonka costume. Seriously, I think that tux came with a free Oompa Loompa rental.

Melissa McCarthy is crying. That’s sweet. No snark there, really, that’s sweet.

When they ask these stars Stars “Who are you wearing?” this is what I hear: jdd jgddwcomn cfdv

“Oh we’re having some kind of fun now,” – Robin Roberts. It’s smooth talk like that that earned Robin this gig tonight.

Kristen Wiig is looking pretty good. Somehow though I can’t shake a vision of her at three am tonight, UGLY WASTED.

Colin Firth. Is he here for some reason? You’re last year’s news buddy. Lol.

No wonder Dujardin isn’t a big star here, he doesn’t speak English. That’s ok, Robin Roberts makes him feel at home by mangling some French.

Jennifer Lopez is being interviewed. I’m trying to figure out why…

Nick Nolte! I’d have paid $500 into a national pool to have him show up as hammered as he got in “Warrior”. That would have been great.

Is it to early to call Zach Galifianakis a legendary comedian? I say yeah, early.

Penelope Cruz. I’ve officially given up trying to associate this year’s nominees with what I’m seeing right now.

30 minutes? This goes 90 minutes? My DVR said an hour. I have to make it through 30 MORE MINUTES??

There’s a countdown clock now at least. It should say “Hang in there Fogs, only…” on it.

Bradley Cooper just dropped a killer Christopher Walken. That was good stuff. LOL

Do people get squeamish around Gwyneth Paltrow now? After seeing Contagion? I would… A little.

Glen Close is here for Albert Noobs. She should have just dressed like a man tonight, too.

Pfffft. I forgot PwC gets name dropped for this client. LOL

Clooney. Robin Roberts makes an uncomfortable “sandwich” joke. If I were Clooney I couldn’t get away fast enough.

Brad Pitt is rocking the Floyd look. Love it. If he pulled out a Teddy-bear bubble-bath bottle bong, I would have a stroke, but die so happy. LOL.

Sandra just said the word sexy five times in a row. It was the only reason that word crossed my mind during her moment.

When Nina Garcia and Tim Gunn talk to each other, it doesn’t even sound like English to me. I feel like I’m listening to people speak Swahili.

The Muppets Google commercial to Queen/David Bowie’s “Under Pressure”. If I see that 8 times tonight, I’m completely fine…

Natalie Portman. She should be nominated for something just cause.

Tom Hanks, representing. Putting up with these dumb questions with style. Taking us on a tour. He’s such a gracious dude. I suppose if I had two Oscars I could be gracious too.

Brian Grazer’s like I been drinkin’… not enough though. He can still pronounce Cirque du Soleil.

Chris Rock says he’s wearing FUBU. It’s the one designer’s name tonight I knew, LOL. Thanks Chris!

Ok, here we go, the real show. Back with another installment in an hour or so!!

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13 thoughts on “Fogs’ Oscar Diary: Pt 1 The Red Carpet

  1. Robin Roberts is fine ….on GMA; on Oscars- not so much. Big story was the ‘Dictator’ (Sacha Baron Coen) dumping Kim Jong il’s ashes from pretend urn onto real Ryan Seacrest. That was on E! carpet.

  2. I didn’t get home in time for this show, but I can tell that I didn’t miss anything after seeing your entertaining review. Thanks for catching me up on things.

    • I didnt either Ian.

      They were the hosts on ABC’s red carpet special. Fashionistas I guess? I know TIm Gunn is from Project Runway. Robin Roberts is just a generic generalised broadcasting person.

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