For Your Consideration: Funniest Lamb

All this week, I’ve been laying out the positive attributes of the entire field of nominees in every category I’ve been nominated in.

It’s unfortunate today that I have to shift gears and bring you the painful truth that… aside from myself… none of the other nominees in this category are funny at all.

I don’t know what to say. Perhaps it’s the preponderance of pensive pundits that populate the Lamb pen… but whatever it is, this is a droll, humorless bunch. The nominators really $#%&ed this one up.

In the past week or so, my “Unfunniest Lamb Study Commission” has uncovered the shocking truth. The inside story of the rampant bribery, vote tampering, gerrymandering and fraud that was perpetuated in the “Funniest Lamb” category that – aside from myself – resulted in five painfully unfunny blogs being nominated.

Read on.

Invasion of the B Movies

Invasion of the B Movies is the blog of Jason Soto, who is a self-professed fan of cheesey B Movies and bad Horror Films. Except his tone is incredibly inconsistent. He cites his favorite movie as “The English Patient”, and frequently reviews serious classics. Check out his essay on “Schindler’s List” here.

Things get worse, however, as he’s a contributor to “Man I Love Films”, a condition I like to refer to as being assimilated by the Borg (see below). The most shocking fact that I uncovered during my investigation, however, is below. Look at Jason’s author profile. Seriously? Michael Bolton? That’s probably the scariest thing about this “Horror Blogger”.

Cut the Crap Movie Reviews

Toilet humor.

Right off the bat. I mean, “Welcome to my blog, have some toilet humor.” Right?

I can’t even get past the banner. what’s so funny about any of those guys? Those are some icons of machismo right there. Where’s the funny? I’m lost.

But I think the most conclusive proof that Aiden is unfunny is that he won last year’s Lammy for “Best Reviewer”. I mean, how can a person win Best Reviewer and be Funniest at the same time?

Oh wait, on second thought, forget I even brought that up.

The Droid You’re Looking For

I’ve just met John, the blogger behind “The Droid You’re Looking For”, and he seems like a nice guy. Which is why it saddens me to, you know, call it like I see it for the sake of Lammy voters.

The main claim to “TDYLF” is that he does a lot of photoshopping involving the Star Wars droids. The “Unfunniest Lamb Study commission” has uncovered some details surrounding this obsession, and it turns out that his parents began dressing him as C3PO at an early age. Unfortunately, it’s not a habit he grew out of, and now it’s borderline fetishistic.

Green People Soup

It’s really a little sad that Markus Welby of “Green People Soup” decided to turn to negative campaigning on twitter this last week. I like Markus, and there are times when he’s had some funny moments.

But he crossed the line more than a few times this week, and I have the irrefutable proof for you all to see.

I tried to reach “Sir Phobos” for comment, in order to present a fair and balanced look at the GPS site… it IS more than one contributor. Or so I thought. The shocking truth is that Phobos is a Kuato-like creature that emerges from Welby’s torso during a disturbing transition that GPS refers to as “Sexy Time”.

It’s a disturbing truth that the “Unfunniest Lamb Study Commission” had a duty to expose.

**SIR PHOBOS OF GREEN PEOPLE SOUP RESPONDS**

Man I Love Films

I’m just going to say what everyone already knows about “Man I Love Films”.

They’re they blogging equivalent of the Borg.

Like South Park’s Trapper Keeper, Kai and Dylan’s mission is to assemble a crew of bloggers so large that not only do they no longer need to blog themselves anymore (a mission they already stand on the precipice of completing), but that there are no other blogs remaining to challenge their supremacy.

I would go into a detailed break down of why they’re not funny, as I did with the other nominees… but seeing as their greatest claim to being a funny blog is the fact that they get contributions from the staff of Invasion of the B Movies and Green People Soup, both of whom I have conclusively proven to be unfunny already, I think my work here is done.

Fogs’ Movie Reviews

Perhaps it was the time I advocated smuggling tricycle horns into “J. Edgar”.

Or when I embedded a Gwar video in my review of “War Horse“.

Maybe you enjoy my more comedic posts, such as my Awesomely Awful series (where I spent thousands upon thousands of words extolling the virtues of movies such as “Troll 2″, “Rock and Roll Nightmare” and “Halloween 3: The Season of the Witch”, or My “Cheese-tastic Classics”, where I give dissertations on the greatness of such cheesey fare as “Roadhouse”, “Face-Off” and “Bloodsport”. Perhaps you’re a fan of this week’s “Nom or Lammy” as performed by myself and my (title pending) co-host Chris Tanski.

I think that there’s a subtle sense of humor in every piece that I do. I’ve got tons of positive feedback on how hilarious this MTESS was for example.

Whichever element of my humor content you prefer, I think that people frequently have fun here, get a lot of laughs, and generally have a good time. Unlike the blogs of some of these other candidates, who – sadly – leave readers with a sour taste in their mouths….

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107 thoughts on “For Your Consideration: Funniest Lamb

    • well urbannight it’s like this…..when one first starts reading books as a child they start with simple things like “curious george” and then as they get older they move on to more sophisticated fare like “Farenheit 451″ I feel you are clearly still in the “curious george” phase. Sad really, but that’s ok……all the bright colors in those books are pleasing to simple minds.

      • Shouldn’t you be worried about how “funny” your site supposedly is rather than posting stuff on Fogs’ site about how “unfunny” he is? No wonder your site sucks, you spend too much time on every other movie blogger’s site.

  1. You’re funny as Hell! Straight up sarcasm is a favorite….

    “The shocking truth is that Phobos is a Kuato-like creature that emerges from Welby’s torso during a disturbing transition that GPS refers to as “Sexy Time”. ”

    — OMG! I almost fell off my chair.

    ..how could you lose?

    • Well, Kuato Phobos may use his mind meld powers on Lammy voters… there’s that.

      But the truth needed to be told, Debbie! Can’t let the Lammy voters NOT know about the true nature of the GPS staff! :D

      • Oh Debbie…..he refers to his competition as the Borg, yet here you are completely assimilated into his own collective web of unfunny BS. I pity you……I really do.

      • Once you hit puberty Marcus your brain will develop a little more allowing you to view things with your big boy eyes, then you will see things in a different light.

      • I truly hope that day never arrives Deb…….see a child views the world through a fresh perspective where everything is new, original, and exciting. Unlike anything found on this site.

  2. This blog alone should secure the Lammy for you! Hilarious. Like, laugh out loud funny. I don’t know who Marcus Welby is, but he’s a tool. I especially loved his tweet on the Fogs parking in handicapped. Is he serious? Hey Marcus, quit your day job, you suck at it. Go bag groceries – actually don’t. I would never disrespect grocery baggers like that. Fogs, keep it up, these people don’t know what funny is.

    • Now who’s laughing? Oh god, Diggs, you slayed me just now.

      You’re right! Welby is a scourge that should be eliminated from the net! He was slinging the mud pretty hard on Twitter, and that IS NOT what the Lammys are about!

      I’d check back in later though, Digger… He’s the type of guy who most assuredly is going to check back in here and try to spread accusations and falsehoods to further his own cause. No doubt.

      • And I shall lead him on a merry chase and crush his dreams of ruining your chances at the Lammys you rightfully deserve. You mess with the bull Marcus, you get the horns. I’m still disgusted with the handicapped parking comment. Glad to see you took the high road with your response to him. I’m sure that pissed him off more. Maybe he could tweet how you just got back from a baby seal clubbing “vacation”? It’s sad when people you have been talking good about have to be complete suckholes.

      • Diggs huh? what a cute name for a puppet. As in I Diggs all these cute puppets Fogs has gathered here to inflate his already over-inflated ego.

      • Speaking of names…..you know what is a shame……Robert Young worked so hard to make the name you carry one recognized for trust and kindness ….and you have in such a short time shredded it with your rude, insensitive, spiteful, and abusive attitude.

        Oh yeah, btw….

        I always thought Diggs was a nickname given to him because of the holes he buried little punks like you in……but I could be wrong.

  3. This is hilarious.

    That third 3PO kid looks like the robotic version of Sam from Trick R’ Treat. All he needs is a jagged jack o’ lantern lollipop to stab people with.

    • Actually, that’s a rather astute observation.

      Unfortunately for you, that only supports the findings of the “Unfunniest Lamb Study Commission”.

      “The Droid You’e Looking For” full of astute observations, people.

  4. I wouldn’t talk Marcus, especially with that avatar you are rocking right now. Ted Nugent called, he want’s his 1970’s shirt back. And that “as in I Diggs all these cute puppets Fogs has gathered…..” that was pure comedic gold right there. Wow are you funny.

    • And it’s really sad that you have to talk bad about someone who has been singing the praises of all the people he’s competing against. But, if that’s what you feel you need to do in order to “win”, I guess your blog really isn’t that funny after all. I bet Fogs wouldn’t mind doing some guest blogging on your site to give your “fans” something to laugh at for a change.

      • yes Dinger….you are correct. My shirt is definitely of 70’s vintage. Now let’s talk about yours…..oh wait…..you’re one of those too afraid to represent yourself with a real picture of yourself. U G L Y YOU AINT GOT NO ALIBI YOU UGLY……

      • Hey Marcus,

        I was trying to figure out where I had seen your tilted head profile pic before and then it hit me, you are trying to look like uncle Rico in Napolean Dynamite when he got his glamour shot. The only thing you are missing is your fist buried under your chins. You really came back with I am UGLY? Seriously? I might have said that in 3rd grade. Is it any wonder why you aren’t funny? Oh and Dinger, that was a gut busting one too.

      • And Debbie, just look at his Avatar, you know he tried out for the cheerleading team in high school. He probably hated being called a spirit bunny too.

  5. I hope these other Lambs have a sense of humor or else it’s Jihad baby! Three of your most humorous reviews were; “New years Eve” titled “Auld Lang Cyanide”(still sung at holiday films). The Raven, where you contravene the poem for your ill gotten review(Nevermore). And the Zookeeper, where if memory holds, your one line(and only one line) review read. “I’d rather get poked in the eye!”. No laughs there at all! For the life of me I can’t remember which movie you reviewed that was a running commentary while you were watching the film. It was better than MST3000. Laughs are good for everyone, so is going to the movies.

    • Heh. I forgot about Auld Lang Cyanide. LOL. That was pretty funny… must have purged it when I dumped my memory banks of everything regarding New Year’s Eve. :D

      The MST3K esque series was “Chick Flick City”. I should do another of those, they were fun!

      The best part about my “Zookeeper” review wasn’t just its brevity… although that WAS impressive! It was the fact I hadnt even seen it yet! I was like Nostradamus! :D LOL

      Thanks for the support Ray. :D

  6. And I just was talking to Kai last night about getting you as a contributor to our site, Fogs. One of us…one of us…one of us.

    Funny idea and execution. Funny enough to win? We’ll see.

    And seriously – are you a cult leader in real life? The blind devotion you inspire is…inspiration. And a bit scary.

  7. And Debbie,
    Your comments have made me laugh out loud all morning. Especially the Peter Pan one. Marcus, looking for a real writer? See Debbie…..

    • Glad I could entertain u Diggs….
      …sometimes when the inspiration is good the claws some out, and the sarcasm oozes freely….it’s a gift….

  8. In other news, Marcus is busy scouring every other blog site on the net to copy and paste his article in that cool lime green color with the black background. But, he sure is hilarious…

  9. markuswelby1 on June 7, 2012 at 1:16 pm said:

    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….oh what did I miss? …..meh….not much.

    Don’t worry Marcus, that’s how your entire audience feels every third day you actually repost someone else’s blog.

  10. Marcus,
    To copy text, go to any other movie blog and highlight the text you want to “borrow”. Then press CTRL+C (on windows) and Command +C (Mac). Then go to your website, and put the cursor where you want the copied text to go. Press CTRL + V (windows) or Command + V (mac). There, your blog practically wrote itself. Now just open paint, do a great job of erasing everything but your pixelated faces and paste them on top of the lammy logo. See, you’re getting the hang of it already. Next week, I will tell you how to actually write your own reviews. Won’t that be fun?

  11. (Not to break the fourth wall, but… I honestly can’t tell if Diggs and Debbie are in on the joke or not. They… do realize what’s going on, right?)

    Regardless, this is all vastly entertaining.

  12. Today has been like, what, Open Mike Nite at FMR Comedy Club. Drum roll and hi-hat cymbals please! The applause meter says the winner is….well Fogs I hope. I don’t know what Marcus Twittered, I don’t Twit myself, but raise the white flag fella, they got ya surrounded!

    • I can tell you dont “twit”, you Twit.

      It’s TWEET. LOL. :D

      Hey, you gonna walk into this thread right now, you better have your hard had on, that’s really all there is to it.

      I’m ready to fire off at people indiscriminately at this point!

      • Tweet, Twit I still don’t know what was said. So the past tense of Tweet is Tweeted? What was today’s subject? Oh yeah! Funniest Lamb blog. Lost the thread there momentarily.

  13. Fogs After reading these comments I am shocked you would even mention my Lazy SOBs tweet ;-)

    So are Diggs and Debbie some day laborers you hired for the day outside of Home Depot? That is a brilliant idea, I need to go pick some of those and have them leave comments all day on our site ;-)

    • LOL. Well, different context on the SOBs thing. This comment section is mildly diffrent than a general tweet to the Lamb. LOL

      And Diggs and Debbie are friends from way back. There are times, however when they do deserve to be paid for their contributions (<- note the wording, no payment forthcoming) Today being one of them. They stepped up and repelled the barbarian invasion as far as Im concerned

    • I think it was Lowes…..but for the record, I’m willing to break out my super hero cape in Fogs defense any time! ;)

  14. I’d read all these comments but I’m guessing that would be as funny as this post. #obviousfail

    Hmm? We commisioned all those funny writers and, yet, no invite to you? What does that say if we are such a vacuum of talent?

    haha… I applaud what you tried (and failed) to do hear, Fogs. Kudos

    PS. I write one to three times a week at my leisure and yet my site puts up new content several times a day. It’s a beautiful thing!

  15. Thanks for informing me that my husband SirPhobos is actually Kuato. I thought he might have some secrets the day I married him, but I didn’t know it was to that extent! Thanks for the heads-up. Do they grant annulments on the basis of marrying a scary alien thingy?

    • I would think they would Audra. I’m no expert, but I’m sure if you got married through a religious organization they’d rush to get it done, as they dont want to acknowledge non-human species…

      I’m certain civil unions, etc could probably be reversed as well. Hang in there, I’m sure this is a shock. :D

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