Here comes the “Boom”, alright. Let me tell you what the %$&#ing “Boom” is.
The “Boom” is that whatever minor modicum of talent Kevin James has is rendered meaningless by the fact that he continually chooses these insipid, moron friendly comedies to star in. This movie proceeds from the assumption that the audience will willingly trade their common sense for the opportunity to “feel good” and then proceeds to build a farfetched scenario laden with implausible occurrences, featuring stereotypical characters. “Here Comes the Boom” is exactly the dumbed down tripe you suspect it is.
Kevin James stars as some dumb jerk teacher… Mr something. Do you need to know his name? Anyways, this schlub apparently was an inspirational teacher a decade ago, but now he’s that “I dont give a crap” teacher you see in movies 20 times a year who asks the students to open their books and then reads a paper during class. Budget cuts are announced and the principal reveals his intention to cut the music program, which in turn will cost the job of the music teacher (Henry Winkler) – because that’s how people losing their jobs always goes. They’re announced publicly. With tons of notice. You know. Anyways, suddenly Kevin James gives a shit again. He announces he’s going to earn the $40 some odd thousand that it will take to make up the budget shortfall. At which point, my mind immediately snapped to… ok, are you going to do that on an annual basis? Because obviously, that wont fix the budget shortfall permanently… but you know, people who like these movies don’t understand that concept anyways, so I just moved on. So did the movie. I guess they threw a toss-off line about earning tenure or something… but Winkler’s like 70 years old! He doesn’t have tenure by now? Arrragh. Sorry.
James starts his adventure to earn the money by teaching a citizenship course so that the movie can interject some “Me no speakee English” comedy to try to get me to kill myself. It’s there that he meets the foreigner who puts the idea of fighting MMA into his head. When James stops by to tutor him, there’s a fight on. Luckily, this guy is also an ex MMA competitor, so when James decides to fight, he’s got a trainer and a cornerman to yell the ringside wisdom that James needs to succeed, like, “DEFENSE!” and “GET UP!” Apparently, James’ whatever the hell his character’s name was was a wrestler in college, so that qualifies him to have a chance of not getting his face smashed-in in a cage match.
Thus James embarks on this mission to fight in a sport that he’s not qualified for, in order to earn money to save someone else’s job. For the most part, “Here Comes the Boom” has the common decency not to show some magical transformation that turns him into a super-competitor or anything… he typically loses or gets lucky wins in the ring. But that doesn’t stop them from sanitizing the ring beatings he takes. He drags himself to Salma Hayek’s school nurse character in charming enough shape that they can flirt, as opposed to getting his ass carried out of the ring by paramedics, with nothing left but a pan of &$%#ing lasagna for a face. That’s ok, I suppose it wouldn’t have made sense for him to have taken a realistic beatings from those watered down, family friendly fight scenes anyways.
I mean… even if you havent seen this movie, you know what goes on, right? School gets behind him as he gets closer and closer to the goal, in the end, he’s even winning over the asshole principal who wanted to stop him, and Hayek starts falling for him even though he’s risking bodily harm for an ill-advised fiscal mission that – at best - will temporarily stave off resource reallocation at his school.
James is affable, but watching him coast through dreck like this churns my stomach. Henry Winkler practically destroys his entire “Arrested Development” cache in one fell swoop and is now squarely back in “Dude, what the hell, you used to be the Fonz…” sad to see territory. There are so many stereotypical characters in this movie that it may set a record. I swear, this movie insulted me by name a couple of times.
I’m done. Listen, “Here Comes the Boom” thinks you’re stupid. Dont prove it by going to see it.