“Silent Hill: Revelation 3D”.
A string of stupefyingly meaningless acts, perpetuated by ridiculously designed monsters against poorly acted and scripted characters, frequently interspersed with expository dreck intended to communicate an inane mythology.
Horrifying in all the wrong ways.
It’s honestly going to pain me to summarize this nonsense. I’ll keep it high level, seeing as it’s all gobbledygook anyways.
Heather (Adelaide Clemens) and her father (Sean Bean) move from town to town and live under assumed identities. They’re trying to evade an evil cult that wants to return Heather to the town of Silent Hill. The residents of Silent Hill once burned a young girl as a witch, but she survived, cursing the town with an ashen darkness. Now they’re convinced that Heather holds the key to removing the curse.
The cult abducts her father, which leads her to return to Silent Hill. Along the way she discovers that not only did the girl, Alessa, curse the town with darkness, apparently she also created some kind of subpocket of hellish alternate reality which now exists within the town. Once there, Heather encounters a variety of freakish creatures. There’s a giant spider made of mannequin limbs, ass-faced nurses, gas mask wearing guards, and, of course, pyramid head… the wielder of a giant scythe who sports an oblong, pyramid-shaped head.
None of them make much sense, but there’s not much else here that does either, in spite of the fact that the film is absolutely filled with characters explaining what’s going on. Heather’s father, the boy that helps her (Kit Harington), Alessa’s mother (Deborah Kara Unger), and even Malcolm McDowell, who shows up midway through the movie to add to the mountain of exposition. They all impart the story behind the town, what happened to Alessa, how Heather ties into it all, how Alessa could be defeated, what the cult wants to do, what her father’s backstory is, how to save money on your car insurance, on and on and on. On top of which, it’s all junk. There’s amulets and curses and witches and cults and gods and demons… a wide-ranging multitude of ridiculous details.
This film does not earn my patented “split grade”. As opposed to the recent “Resident Evil: Something or Other”, “Silent Hill” seems to take itself seriously. The creature designs, while not actually frightening, are obviously intended to be horrific. The mythology is so dense that someone at some point thought people would want to pay attention to it. It made it difficult to laugh at it when it was taking itself seriously. I never once felt it ventured into “so bad it’s good” territory, it stayed squarely in the “bad”. I had no fun with it at all.
Between the laughable attempts at frightening character design, the convoluted mythology and the completely meaningless action sequences, I found “Silent Hill: Revelation” to be a chore. Its most positive attribute is that it’s short (94 min).