The Ten WORST Bond Girls

As demonstrated in the previous post, Bond girls often add positively to the legacy of the franchise. Whether they’re objects of affection, team-mates or both, the women of 007 are capable of adding so much to the movies that they’re featured in.

Of course, they can also drag on the movie like an albatross.

Yes, unfortunately, over the course of 50 years and 20+ movies you’re going to have more than your share of bad characters and/or bad actresses. Especially when so often – let’s be honest – the actresses are cast due to their looks. Read on to see the ten worst offenders in the Bond Franchise!

10) Fatima Blush – Barbara Carrera, “Never Say Never Again”

The ONLY reason she’s so low is that NSNA is non-canon, so its debatable whether she should be included at all. But Carrera not only goes over the top, she chews scenery once she’s airborne. Wowza.

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9) Magda – Kristina Wayborn, “Octopussy”

There’s virtually no other reason for this character to exist except for “eye candy”. She’s alternately scenery and a sex partner. Not that that’s ever stopped Bond before, but… Let’s just say Magda’s not even that good at her job.

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8) Giacinta “Jinx” Johnson – Halle Berry, “Die Another Day”

One of the worst Bond turns by a supposed “Good actress” ever. Supposedly Bond’s equal, she’s tied to the tracks every five minutes, and relegated to a cat fight in the finale. “Read this, Bitch!” Ughck. What a fail.

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7) Melina Havelock – Carole Bouquet, “For Your Eyes Only”

Stiff as a board and half as interesting, Carole Bouquet gets some cred in Bond circles because her character is on a revenge mission. To me it’s merely an excuse for her to spend half the movie looking sour and surly. Blecch.

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6) Dr Holly Goodhead – Lois Chiles, “Moonraker”

Good lord. Her name should have you squirming already, but she’s also a CIA agent posing as an astronaut. I wouldn’t believe her in either role, and don’t here either. Don’t blink or she’ll fade into the set design on you.

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5) Tiffany Case – Jill St John, “Diamonds are Forever”

Proof that Bond Girls names can make you cringe without sexual innuendo, St John’s strongest selling point is that she runs around the entire film scantily dressed. Way to go Tiffany! Kudos!

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4) Mary Goodnight – Britt Ekland, “The Man with the Golden Gun”

Ekland narrowly beat out a store mannequin for this role after the mannequin turned in a better screen test. Luckily for her, it wanted more money. Bond has turned doorknobs that added more to their movies than she does.

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3) Bibi Dahl – Lynn-Holly Johnson, “For Your Eyes Only”

Young enough to be Moore’s granddaughter, he literally tells her he’ll buy her an ice cream if she puts her clothes back on. I’m with him. Cast because of her skating abilities, she should have stuck to the rink!

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2) Christmas Jones – Denise Richards, “The World is Not Enough”

One of the most maligned girls ever, Richards has trouble with simple dialogue, and is COMPLETELY unbelievable as a Nuclear Physicist. I couldnt stop laughing selecting soundclips of her bad acting for TPMP this week. So many to choose from!

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1) Stacy Sutton – Tanya Roberts, “A View to a Kill”

Drink every time Sutton says “James” and you will die. Vapid and vacuous, Roberts was also half Moore’s age. To top it all off her character was useless and ridiculous. In a testament to her acting abilities, a career of erotic thrillers lay ahead for her.

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And there they are. The Bond Girls that fans love to hate.

Am I badmouthing any of them undeservedly? Did I forget to lambast someone worthy? What do you think of the Stacy Sutton upset? Should Christmas Jones have taken the crown? Let me hear it!

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68 thoughts on “The Ten WORST Bond Girls

  1. I think you know I’m going to agree with your top two choices, and disagree with you on Barbara Carrera’s selection. Still, these lists are always fun to read. Thanks, Fogs.

    • There it is… I knew someone would take umbrance. Yet to see if there were more. LOL

      Its so close. SO close. I should have copped out and called it a tie. Like 1a and 1b or something.

      I went Sutton because her relationship with her Bond is creppier and she got into more dumb-ass situations. Theyre both terrible actresses. And for all the harping on Richards as a physicist, Roberts as a geologist/oil heiress combo is almost as bad!!

  2. Christmas Jones for me all the way on this one, although Halle Berry runs her a close second. The World is Not Enough is home to the worst ever pun thanks to Ms Jones in the “I thought Christmas only comes once a year” line. Christ’s sake, James.

    • LOL. They went a LONG way to set that up though, Chris! No respect for the effort? Cmon!! :D LOL

      Horrid. There’s one in Moonraker that’s pretty bad too… I forget it Hang on… IMDb to the rescue…. Ah yes. Q’s “I think he’s attempting re-entry, sir.” Tawdry. LOL Awful.

    • Ah yes. The Havelock support shows up. You wont be alone Victor, I’m sure of that. I’m pretty set on it though, although I may not be in sync with the rest of the movie world.

      I think she’s awful. :D

  3. I haven’t seen most of these, but the sarcasm was hilarious.
    I think the only one I have actually seen (and remember) was Christmas Jones. I do remember her failing pretty bad. With her name, I thought they were trying to make her adventuresome like Indiana Jones or something, which I kind of found disturbing. And then they just kept it up with all of those puns… it wasn’t just her fault (though she definitely didn’t act well) the movie didn’t treat her too well either.

    • I think it all boils down to Christmas Jones being a nuclear physicist who doesn’t seem all that smart. When I watched this with my sister, she pointed out that Ms. Richards always had a befuddled look on her face at all times. And she’s just so out of place in one of the more “serious” Bond films. Maybe they were going for an Indiana Jones-like character, but she seemed more like a strained plot convenience character like that gymnastics kid from Jurassic Park II.

      • I was like I didn’t believe she actually knew anything about physics or anything really… She would say scientific things but you could tell she didn’t know what the heck she was talking about.
        With her name, it just seemed weird to me that they were trying to make us think of Indiana Jones in the middle of a James Bond movie, which is what happened with me even if it wasn’t their intention.
        Also, when I said “I don’t remember her failing pretty bad” the “don’t” was supposed to be a “do.” Curse those typos.

      • “Also, when I said “I don’t remember her failing pretty bad” the “don’t” was supposed to be a “do.” Curse those typos.”

        Fixed!

        As to Ms Jones. No it wasnt Denise’s fault entirely, the character was bad, along with many many other elements in that script. But casting her certainly didnt help. Not only was she a poor actress (which compounded the poor character), the obvious attempt at inserting her for her sex appeal ran contrary to having her be a nuclear physicist. My apologies to all the hot bodied Nuclear Physicists out there. LOL

        I’ll help with the character name thing. The urban dictionary defines Christmas Jones as such… “A fetish or act of sexual deviance so abhorrent that the participant only indulges once a year.”

        Capice?

  4. Poor Tanya…or should I say Midge from That 70s Show. (And don’t forgot about the Beastmaster’s girlfriend. Yow!) But if you are talking straight characters here, yeah she was pretty bad. It would be soooo difficult for me to put some of your picks on a worst list just for the fact that they are beautiful women. Halle Berry being one of them.

    Denise Richards would be my #1. She is doesn’t do much for me as an actor or sex symbol. There were only two reasons she was picked to be a Bond girl…

    One that would’ve been on my list would be Maryam d’Abo…Living Daylights is not one of my favorites and most of it has to do with her.

    I’d be interested to hear which list Grace Jones is closer to making for you, Fogs. From the podcast, I’d take it this list. It’s a tough call for me cause she wasn’t one of the more attractive Bond girls but that wasn’t really her character either. She was tough and ended up doing a noble thing at the end. I’d probably put her closer to Top list than the Worst list.

    • As a Bond GIRL? This list, totally. A) Almost every time Roger Moore was hooking up in those last two movies I got the heebie jeebies. But Jones is so… odd looking. And violent. As a henchman, I’m a fan. As a love interest, not so much.

      D’Abo lands mid pack for me. I think Tank hinted on the Bond-cast that he liked her. I’m kind of “meh”. Her character was oddly interjected into that whole thing. She’s a cellist girlfriend of a Russian general who poses as a sniper to help him fake a defection in order to eventually finance a huge arms deal? Thats… off.

      Denise is rough. I find her easy on the eyes, but if you’re missing that, she’s in trouble. As I was saying above, she and Roberts were neck and neck 1a and 1b….

  5. Tanya Roberts
    Denise Richards
    Britt Ekland
    Louis Chilles

    These actresses are all lovely to look at and hard to listen to. Eye Candy is not sufficient to be a good Bond girl. Not sure why the hate for Jinx except she is in one of the worst films ever. I enjoyed the over the top Fatima Blush. Her little leap of pleasure is sensuous violence done with subtlety.

    • Agreed on the list. Theyre all rough with the acting. Every line should be accompanied by a cymbal crash.

      Surprised Jinx doesnt set off the awful alarm for you though. She’s rough man. Reaaaaaaal bad. LOL. I should have had her higher here.

  6. For me, it’s Denise Richards as Christmas Jones. Come on, her as a nuclear physicist? We’re doomed.

    Second goes to Mary Goodnight, then Bibi Dahl, then Stacy Sutton, and finally, Plenty O’Toole. Dishonorable mention goes to Strawberry Fields as she was just wasted.

    • Amen to that. Atherton could have given that film so much more if they had just expanded her role. Doesnt make her a candidate here though, just a wasted opportunity a la Terri Hatcher’s Paris Carver in “Tomorrow Never Dies.”

      Plenty had the ridiculous name, but her screentime was so limited, she didnt make the cut. LOL

  7. Denise Richards…I guess having a good rack and a pretty face means your automatically a Bond girl. Sadly, having no acting talent whatsoever is also in the requirements as well.

    • Ha! One day it will be. Its getting there. The last few movies have certainly improved the standard and gotten talented women to share the screen with Bond.

      Richards though. Well god bless her, she tried… :D

  8. I actually LOVE Melina Havelock, but you just don’t like her as she didn’t appear in a bikini, ahah! If you have your parents killed in cold blood right in front of you I don’t think you’d be smiling from ear to ear either, Fogs.

    • You know, I wont even deny the utter absence of sex appeal as a factor here. Guilty. Not that she needed to appear in a bikini, per se… but… a little charm wouldnt hurt.

      General I dont like her though cause she’s not the greatest actress and her character is so dour. Add all of it up and I am NOT a fan. :D

      • I’m backing up Ruth here. Yes, FYEO is a little atypical of Bond action scenes highlighted by a weird little car swerving down a mountain through trees but the character of Melina has a purpose, and Caroline Bouquet, unlike others on this list, is a decent actress onscreen. If she was in a bikini, would she be on the list? Maybe further down then. Enjoyed both lists. The day has arrived!
        -Cheers! :-)

      • Yes, if she was in a bikini, she would still be on the list. As evidenced by say Britt Ekland, who is in a bikini for the final third of the film (wishing I HAD put Kissy Suzuki on this list now, for further support of my assertion. DAMMIT! LOL)

  9. Great list. Agree on your #1 & 2 choices. If someone can believe Richards’ character is a nuclear scientist, I have some swamp land to sell that person.

    • Hey-ey!! Alright! I just worked through five or so that wanted Richards at the top. :D I narrowly award it to Roberts, but they ARE close.

      I would say the same for Roberts. She couldnt pass as a geologist either. Nuh uh. LOL

  10. Tanya Roberts? I think she was Midge in That 70’s Show – she was pretty funny there, but I haven’t seen her as Bond girl :)

    “Don’t blink or she’ll fade into the set design on you.” – oh God :lol:

    • LOL. Glad you enjoyed that.

      Yes, she was on that 70s show. She was also on “Charlie’s Angels” at one point in time, and was in a couple of other major motion pictures, too. In between she did a bunch of softcore detective story type B movies and such. LOL :D

  11. So What Do I Win For Pegging The Top TWO Before The List Was Officially Published?!?!
    I Sure Could Use A Blu-Ray Copy Of “Licence To Kill” hehehehehe Just Sayin’, Ya Know, Since I Totally Rocked-It!
    OH, And You’re Getting A Reblog On This One, Also, Dude. ;)
    -B.

    • You ARE the man, Brad, no doubt. ;)

      You did pick the top two (Not that they arent far and away the worst… I mean, not to diminish your incredible accomplishment, Nostradamus :D ) but you didnt guess the ORDER and thats the challenge in that case!!

      • This Has Something To Do With Math, Doesn’t It?
        I’m A Writer AND A Talker…
        …I Don’t Function In The Realm Of Mathematics hahahaha
        But I Can Spell The Word!!! So I Should At Least Win Like, “DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER” or “A VIEW TO A KILL” hahahahhaha

  12. Wow, there are a lot of bad actresses in Bond history. I’d forgotten about some of these. I can’t really argue with your picks. Carrera is so bad and just a poor substitute for the same character in Thunderball. She deserves to be on here. Roberts is the worst by far and so flat; it doesn’t help that Moore is way too old to be in this part. At least he turned down Bibi’s advances in FYEO.

    The one that probably needs to be here is Talisa Soto in License to Kill. She isn’t the worst example but is painfully awkward. And I really like that movie! I’d probably take out Carole Bouquet, who’s just okay but not terrible, and put in Soto.

    Even so, you have most of the big ones on here for sure!

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