The 2012 FMR MAJOR Awards: The Worst Picture Nominees

Worst Picture Nominees

Ladies and Gentleman, here we go. After a long year of suffering through a wide variety of putrid offal, I present to you the fruits of my labors… the WORST movies of 2012. These were the movies that made you want to escape the pain, the ones that you wish would just END already. The type of movie you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.

My pain is your gain, though! Click through to see the ten movies that stunk out the joint the worst in 2012

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Act of Valor“Act of Valor”

This is a recruitment film, plain and simple, but if they want to put this in theatres and pretend it’s a movie, fine. I’ll treat it like one. Terrible acting, hack level plot, “open your mouth so I can shove this down your throat” themes of military service, and worst of all, action sequences that don’t stand out in any way, shape or form from what we’ve seen before. So much for the “Real Tactics of NAVY Seals”… they’re apparently much less exciting than those found in your average action movie.

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Alex Cross“Alex Cross”

The thriller genre represents with this “WTF, that’s a joke, right?” offering. Matthew Fox chews enough scenery to sate him for an entire career, Tyler Perry auditions for a second career as a closet door, and the writers have fun experimenting with how many eye rolling “Cmonnnnn...” moments an audience can tolerate. Those seeking the adventures of “Alex Cross” are much better served revisiting the old Morgan Freeman films.

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The Apparition“The Apparition”

One of the least frightening horror films you’ll ever see, compounded by the fact that nearly every decent element felt stolen from better films. I left this movie thinking that I could fill the MAJOR Awards worst acting categories in one fell swoop. The talent here seems as if it was culled directly from a local high school drama class audition… the producers stood outside the auditorium and offered roles in this film as consolation to the kids who didn’t make the cut.

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Cold Light of Day“The Cold Light of Day”

The field of robotics has made astonishing advancements, as evidenced by the fully articulated replicas of Sigourney Weaver and Bruce Willis on display here. Unfortunately the robo-actors were smothered by an incomprehensibly bland pile of steaming mediocrity. This film is as nondescript as you can ever imagine. And if you can imagine anything? You’re one step up on the creatively bereft makers of this generic turd. “The Cold Light of Day” is an apt title for this empty fail.

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The Devil Inside“The Devil Inside”

This faux exorcism documentary begins with the disclaimer, “The Vatican did not endorse this film nor aid in its completion.” Apparently neither did the Writer’s Guild, the Director’s Guild, or the Screen Actor’s Guild, because this movie is abominably bad. Seriously, this will give you a headache. Even prior to its shockingly, appallingly, offensively terrible ending it was one of the worst films of the year, but that capper? Damnnn, it was BAD.

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House at the end of the street“House at the End of the Street”

Here’s a recipe for failure I never want to see again. Take a movie, make it boring ass, and rest everything on a “reveal” at the end. Then, have that reveal be both predictable and idiotic. “House at the End of the Street” is really dull and slow… right up until it decides to shift into high gear and become really stupid. All totalled this was one of the lamest movies in recent memory. Boring, predictable and slow, capped with an “Are you kidding me?” ending.

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Madeas Witness Protection“Madea’s Witness Protection”

The funny thing is, the character of Madea isn’t even the problem with this movie. At least Tyler Perry’s fat old drag persona is occasionally funny. It’s the pathetic supporting characters, the ridiculous premise, and the insufferably bad turns from Eugene Levy and Denise Richards (as Husband and Wife, no less. Yup. Read that again.) How bad is it when I can say with a straight face… Madea deserves better?

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Playing for Keeps“Playing for Keeps”

I’ll give “Playing for Keeps” this – it’s hard to go this far astray in what is ostensibly a family comedy, or at least a comedy about family. But with some of the most obnoxious supporting characters ever created, and a half assed plot that no one in their right mind can get behind, “Playing for Keeps” makes it happen. It’s dumb, predictable, and unfunny. It amazes me that they got some of the names they did to be involved with this project, especially seeing as the stink of the final product must have been all over the script.

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Silent Hill Revelation“Silent Hill Revelation 3D”

I’d use the phrase “Laughably bad”, except I wasn’t #$%&in’ laughing. Terrible creature design, an unfathomably complicated plot for a dumb horror film, and a script that is absolutely steeped in exposition all add up to make “Silent Hill Revelation 3D” one of the worst experiences I’ve had in the theatre all year. Not only was it not scary in any way, it also wasn’t any fun. The only thing that I need “Revealed” is “What the Hell were they thinking?”

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A Thousand Words“A Thousand Words”

A painfully unfunny Eddie Murphy bomb, revolving around a ridiculous high concept, featuring a significant segment of misplaced dramatic reflection. Although in fairness, the drama section did provide welcome respite from the comedic failure torture. Simply put, it wasn’t a bright idea to have Murphy mime for 4/5ths of a film. The problems extend deeper than that of course, but if you had to pick one thing, that one is jumping up and down, excitedly waving its raised hand.

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Dishonorable Mentions:

.

BattleshipChernobyl Diaries“Battleship”

So dumb it pushed through to the other side.

“Chernobyl Diaries”

Terrible concept, executed poorly.

.

GoneHere Comes the Boom“Gone”

A glorified Lifetime Movie.

“Here Comes the Boom”

Will somebody please stop this guy?

.

red TailsRed Dawn“Red Dawn”

The best argument against remakes I can imagine.

“Red Tails”

Tuskegee Airmen deserve much better.

..

The Three StoogesTaken 2“Taken 2″

The one that will give Neeson nightmares.

“The Three Stooges”

If I could erase this, I would.

.

This is 40The_Watch_Poster“The Watch”

Criminally unfunny.

“This is 40″

No, it’s not. %$&# you.

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Well, there you have it folks. I’m sorry to even have to bring them up.

Did I forget any? Is there any movie you harbored a grudge against this year that you were hoping I’d beat up, but I didn’t? Are there any on this list that you feel aren’t deserving of the scorn I’ve placed upon them?

Which one do YOU think should be crowned the WORST?

Let us hear it!!

2012 MAJOR Awards HUU Banner

67 thoughts on “The 2012 FMR MAJOR Awards: The Worst Picture Nominees

  1. What About “Ghost Rider 2″ AND “Piranha 2″?
    I Rank Those As The Worst Pictures Of The year That I’ve Seen.
    Also, I’ve HEARD And READ That “Alex Cross” Was Absolutely Horrid And Shitty As Horrid And Shitty Can Get.
    Just Sayin’… ;)
    B.

  2. Hilarious!! But you’ve got to see ‘Freelancers’ starring Robert DeNiro and…….wait for it, wait for it….50 Cent. It’s beyond bad.

    Apparition and the Watch were horrible I agree.

    • It got some serious consideration. I think the horror movie factor saved it. Not that horror movies can’t be included here (obviously), but a lot of people are satisfied with horror films as long as they hit certain check boxes… Paranormal Activity 4 also got serious consideration here as well :(

  3. Not gonna lie. When I first saw the trailer for The Three Stooges, my immediate reaction was, “What a blasphemous pile of $h1t!!!!” But when my 6 year old daughter displayed an interest in the movie, I had to foster that interest. I mean, come on…. a girl that loves The Three Stooges? How could I not be a part of that?

    Nothing could ever replace the original but, we both loved it. Maybe it was just the experience of having her there with me in the theater. I don’t know but, it doesn’t belong on this list.

    • Well, a) I did spare it from the top ten, its only honorable mention

      b) The fact that its humor appealed to the six year old mentality might not be the strongest argument against it being bad.

      It was pretty awful, dude.

  4. Well I feel a little better about myself now, because I haven’t seen too many of these, but this time it’s a good thing!! Leaning towards Playing For Keeps. Stupid people, stupid plot, so stupid I preserved my brain cells and didn’t see it. There you go!

  5. No What to Expect When You’re Expecting? Definitely the worst movie I saw. I thankfully haven’t seen any of these, and one of the few horror movies I’m still wanting to watch didn’t make the cut (The Possession).

    • Well, don’t trick yourself into thinking “The Possession” is any good or anything :( but its not this level of bad…

      Meanwhile, I swear, “What to expect” was in the honorable mention section until literally the last minute. LOL. Then I saw a commercial for “Taken 2″ on DVD. And I was like, oooohfff! Can’t forget that one!!

  6. Red Tails got Lucas to stop making terrible films and sell Lucas Films LTD. to Disney so that is the best worst film ever!

  7. Oh good, glad to see you didn’t add Ghost Rider after nominating it for all your other “worst of year” awards, heh. :P Can’t really disagree with any of your picks, but of the one’s you chose, I’d say Silent Hill was definitely the worst.

    Dunno if you’ve gotten a chance to see, but if you would, you should check out my own (controversial) picks for the year’s worst movies (or, more like movies that pissed me off the most, lol). :)

    http://cwiddop.blogspot.com/2012/12/my-top-5-worst-movies-of-2012.html

    • Ah! Glad I’m not the only one who suffered through Silent Hill. I’ve gotta say… That flick was TERRIBLE.

      Ghost Rider 2 had enough moments to lift itself out of contention here, but not by much. LOL And its still worthy of mention in those other categories, for sure.

      Meanwhile, I’ll try to stop by, but it might be awhile, I have my hands kind of full today. :)

  8. Well, I’m glad to say I didn’t see most of these, and the ones I did see only made your “Honorable mentions” (Shouldn’t that be ‘dishonorable’?). lol

    Well, My worst of the year were Battleship, and The Watch.

    • Those were both pretty bad, though “Battleship” captured that magic “so bad it’s good” element to an extent for me.

      And I definitely put “Dishonorable”… That’s the only way to term it. ;)

  9. “Tyler Perry auditions for a second career as a closet door..” that seriously cracked me up! HAHA! Haven’t seen any of these but this one seems like a very worthy contender for the title. Although I remember The Apparition getting REALLY bad reviews all around…

    I’m actually surprised that you only gave Chernobyl Diaries “dishonourable” mention seeing as I remembered thinking it was a pretty cool concept but then heard your review on TPMP and then was like…umm…no…haha!

    • Chernobyl Diaries was awful, but it had jusssst enough to rise above a lot of these others. It was highly considered. :D

      LOL. I’m glad that the Tyler Perry joke “got someone” :D Made me chuckle myself. I think he’d make a GOOD closet door. He’s big enough! And dull enough! :D

      The Apparition was god awful. I’ve still got some thinking to do, but that one is DEFINITELY in the mix!

  10. Grateful for you and Tanski taking the brunt of the film industry rejects. Did you get some sort of refund on these? Lol.

    I do plan to see some of these, such as Taken, battleship, the Stooges just for sheer curiosity. The others, well let’s just say I’d rather chew broken glass.

    • LOL. Please dont chew broken glass, Jay. That’s actually much worse than these. ;)

      No, no refund, just a bunch of street cred for being the guys that see ‘em all. LOL. That’s all.

      Battleship is dumb fun, and a few people actually LIKE the Stooges, but I thought it was terrible. Taken 2 is good if you like mocking movies. You know, put your Liam Neeson voice on and make fun of what’s going on… “One one thousand, two one thousand, turn left… one one thousand, two one thousand, three… Oh dammit, I’ve forgotten if it were three or four one thousand. Just wait. Go back… start over… ” LOL :D

  11. My worst film was “Take This Waltz” with Seth Rogen and Michelle Williams. Do not agree with “The Three Stooges” or “Red Tails” but agree 100% with “The Devil Inside”.

    • Well, I stand strong on both of those. The Stooges was an abomination. And Red Tails was one of the saddest, most paint by numbers films Ive seen this year. That was High School level film student script. The real service men deserve so much better than that.

      I didnt see Take this Waltz, but I have seen a couple of people bring it up favorably in a couple of places this last week. So…

      Devil Inside was god awful, wasn’t it? Eeesh.

  12. The one that makes me saddest is Red Tails. I mean, how do you screw up the Tuskegee Airmen for goodness sake?

    I haven’t seen any of these, but would vote for Act Of Valor to “win” just based on the premise that we don’t need any more recruitment films being passed off as art.

    • Oh, I know, wasn’t that insulting? They charged people MONEY for that! Unreal…

      But hey, if they want to pretend its a movie, ok. Your movie %#$&ing sucked. Get some real actors. And you call that a script? That’s pathetic! And honestly, most surprisingly, I guess the “Made up tactics” of imaginary combat units are “Made Up” for a reason, cause apparently they’re way more exciting than the boring ass “Real Tactics” LOL.

      Red Tails, indeed, made me sad as well. It was cartoonish. It was a huge let down, that story deserves a much better, more serious treatment. Maybe one day they’ll get another shot. :(

  13. Fogs, I’m proud to say that I’ve seen absolutely none of these, including the dishonorable mentions. This is a benefit of not getting to the theater as much. I’m sorry that you had to sit through these.

    • Nahhhhh Its all forgiven right now. Catch me in the middle of the year when the fun and glory of the Worst Movie post seems like a far off dream… LOL. Right now, I’m glad I did. I love calling things out for sucking. This sucked, that sucked, that one sucked too… I’m in my glory right now! :D

      Not a single one of these on this list is worth checking out for any reason. Even if they’re brought up in conversation, you’ll always seem wiser by saying “Yeah, I skipped that one” LOL :D

  14. Well, I’ve only seen A Thousand Words, which I chose as the worst movie of the year. Act of Valor looked like a military ad stretched out as an entire film. Nice picks.

    • “Act of Valor looked like a military ad stretched out as an entire film”

      It was. 100% and without any question whatsoever. I was pretty pissed off sitting through it.

      What little “Movie” there was to it was terrible, to boot. Really really bad.

  15. I’ve seen 7 0f the 20 here. In the “Watch this film or Frontal Lobotomy” category, “The three stooges” and “the Watch” qualify viewers for Obamacare! “Gone” and “House…” are saved only by sexy female leads.
    In the “Cold Light…” Cavil’s family is free, he’s just met his half sister, time to party right. Nope. Time to inanely chase Sigourney’s character in an endless scene of mayhem!
    “This is 40″ had enough redeeming social value to give it a C, but not enough to spend money and buy a ticket!

    • Oooh. 7 out of 20? I feel like I should offer you some sort of prize. :D

      Thank you for having my back on the Stooges. Not that I ever questioned the awfulness of it, but we have had two commenters sound off against it belonging compared to none in favor – til now.

      “This is 40″ didn’t piss most people off as much as it did me (though I’ve found a couple other spiteful reviews of it), that’s why I only put it as honorable mention. If this list were strictly based on my own feelings, that movie is definitely one of the worst. I hated that flick. LOL

      “Inane” is a good word for “Cold Light of Day”. How about “Inert” that one works, too. :D

      Thanks for your support Ray! :D

  16. Clap. Clap. Clap.

    Well done suffering through all of these. You know, since I’ve mentioned it a few times, that I have my own suggestion here, but since I discovered Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie only made it to 33 theatres — how bad is that? :D — I don’t think it’s a glaring omission you didn’t get to it. I mean, I’m still pretty sure it’s worse than all of these, but something has to be said for “people actually saw this shit.” Besides, like you say, these are the films we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemies, and you’re definitely not that.

    Of your choices… well, I’m cheerfully clueless for the most part. Haven’t seen a one of them. I can make a pretty good guess on Silent Hill: Revelation, having seen the first one, but that’s it.

    • You nkow what’s funny? After you said that, I started Tim and Eric’s and got like five minutes in before I was like, uhhhhh no. And that’s one of the things that has to be factored in here, too. Especially in the Worst movie category, it has to be a wide release. Otherwise, where do we draw THAT line? I mean there’s SO many crappy straight to VOD movies out there…. :o

      These are all bad, but from my understanding. Silent Hill Revelation is even pissing off fans of the first one with how bad it was. LOL

      • Yeah, definitely wise to stick to the wide releases. Not only do you avoid some of the wretched stuff, but it makes it so everyone can relate to it more. In the case of T&E, I’ve come down a bit from my initial “anyone who doesn’t have this on there just hasn’t seen it” stance based on the fact that, apparently, most of them genuinely haven’t. :D I think part of what skewed my perspective on it initially was that I do remember seeing the movie poster, so I think one of my local theatres might have actually been one of those 33 (though I saw it on TV). Glad you decided to not subject yourself to it… though I am glad you at least saw enough to see what I mean.

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