Ladies and Gentleman, here we go. After a long year of suffering through a wide variety of putrid offal, I present to you the fruits of my labors… the WORST movies of 2012. These were the movies that made you want to escape the pain, the ones that you wish would just END already. The type of movie you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.
My pain is your gain, though! Click through to see the ten movies that stunk out the joint the worst in 2012
“Act of Valor”
This is a recruitment film, plain and simple, but if they want to put this in theatres and pretend it’s a movie, fine. I’ll treat it like one. Terrible acting, hack level plot, “open your mouth so I can shove this down your throat” themes of military service, and worst of all, action sequences that don’t stand out in any way, shape or form from what we’ve seen before. So much for the “Real Tactics of NAVY Seals”… they’re apparently much less exciting than those found in your average action movie.
The thriller genre represents with this “WTF, that’s a joke, right?” offering. Matthew Fox chews enough scenery to sate him for an entire career, Tyler Perry auditions for a second career as a closet door, and the writers have fun experimenting with how many eye rolling “Cmonnnnn...” moments an audience can tolerate. Those seeking the adventures of “Alex Cross” are much better served revisiting the old Morgan Freeman films.
One of the least frightening horror films you’ll ever see, compounded by the fact that nearly every decent element felt stolen from better films. I left this movie thinking that I could fill the MAJOR Awards worst acting categories in one fell swoop. The talent here seems as if it was culled directly from a local high school drama class audition… the producers stood outside the auditorium and offered roles in this film as consolation to the kids who didn’t make the cut.
“The Cold Light of Day”
The field of robotics has made astonishing advancements, as evidenced by the fully articulated replicas of Sigourney Weaver and Bruce Willis on display here. Unfortunately the robo-actors were smothered by an incomprehensibly bland pile of steaming mediocrity. This film is as nondescript as you can ever imagine. And if you can imagine anything? You’re one step up on the creatively bereft makers of this generic turd. “The Cold Light of Day” is an apt title for this empty fail.
“The Devil Inside”
This faux exorcism documentary begins with the disclaimer, “The Vatican did not endorse this film nor aid in its completion.” Apparently neither did the Writer’s Guild, the Director’s Guild, or the Screen Actor’s Guild, because this movie is abominably bad. Seriously, this will give you a headache. Even prior to its shockingly, appallingly, offensively terrible ending it was one of the worst films of the year, but that capper? Damnnn, it was BAD.
“House at the End of the Street”
Here’s a recipe for failure I never want to see again. Take a movie, make it boring ass, and rest everything on a “reveal” at the end. Then, have that reveal be both predictable and idiotic. “House at the End of the Street” is really dull and slow… right up until it decides to shift into high gear and become really stupid. All totalled this was one of the lamest movies in recent memory. Boring, predictable and slow, capped with an “Are you kidding me?” ending.
“Madea’s Witness Protection”
The funny thing is, the character of Madea isn’t even the problem with this movie. At least Tyler Perry’s fat old drag persona is occasionally funny. It’s the pathetic supporting characters, the ridiculous premise, and the insufferably bad turns from Eugene Levy and Denise Richards (as Husband and Wife, no less. Yup. Read that again.) How bad is it when I can say with a straight face… Madea deserves better?
I’ll give “Playing for Keeps” this – it’s hard to go this far astray in what is ostensibly a family comedy, or at least a comedy about family. But with some of the most obnoxious supporting characters ever created, and a half assed plot that no one in their right mind can get behind, “Playing for Keeps” makes it happen. It’s dumb, predictable, and unfunny. It amazes me that they got some of the names they did to be involved with this project, especially seeing as the stink of the final product must have been all over the script.
“Silent Hill Revelation 3D”
I’d use the phrase “Laughably bad”, except I wasn’t #$%&in’ laughing. Terrible creature design, an unfathomably complicated plot for a dumb horror film, and a script that is absolutely steeped in exposition all add up to make “Silent Hill Revelation 3D” one of the worst experiences I’ve had in the theatre all year. Not only was it not scary in any way, it also wasn’t any fun. The only thing that I need “Revealed” is “What the Hell were they thinking?”
“A Thousand Words”
A painfully unfunny Eddie Murphy bomb, revolving around a ridiculous high concept, featuring a significant segment of misplaced dramatic reflection. Although in fairness, the drama section did provide welcome respite from the comedic failure torture. Simply put, it wasn’t a bright idea to have Murphy mime for 4/5ths of a film. The problems extend deeper than that of course, but if you had to pick one thing, that one is jumping up and down, excitedly waving its raised hand.
So dumb it pushed through to the other side.
Terrible concept, executed poorly.
A glorified Lifetime Movie.
“Here Comes the Boom”
Will somebody please stop this guy?
The best argument against remakes I can imagine.
Tuskegee Airmen deserve much better.
The one that will give Neeson nightmares.
“The Three Stooges”
If I could erase this, I would.
“This is 40”
No, it’s not. %$&# you.
Well, there you have it folks. I’m sorry to even have to bring them up.
Did I forget any? Is there any movie you harbored a grudge against this year that you were hoping I’d beat up, but I didn’t? Are there any on this list that you feel aren’t deserving of the scorn I’ve placed upon them?
Which one do YOU think should be crowned the WORST?
Let us hear it!!