Too Much Twilight To Take?: “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse”

TS EclipseTurn around…

Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
And you’re never coming round

Turn around…

Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears

Oh. Sorry. Ok. Ready to start another Twilight movie. I’m not gonna lie, this is a challenge. The first two were some putrid stuff. But I’m gonna do it baby! Here we go, Eclipse!! Who’s with me? Lets go!

Ok. Eclipse…

We open in the rain. No surprise. I feel like I live in Washington, now. Some random gets killed by a vampire, reminding us that vampires DO do more than just pine for high school girls and fight each other.

Bella narrates, leading with Robert Frost. Eddie sparkles next to her in a field of flowers with singing birds all around. Fogs chokes back a puke. Edwards a vampire, but Bella won’t marry him cause he’s worried about divorce.

There’s still a killer on the loose in this town, her father is the world’s worst cop.

Jacob hasn’t talked to Bella in weeks. I wonder if that’s because she told him to take a hike in favor of a vampire. When Edward figures out she’s going to go see him on the Werewolf Reservation, he gets extra stalky and disables her ignition.

It’s off-putting whenever they cut back to Bella’s normal school friends. The Cullens just ate lunch with Anna Kendrick and Jeff Chang, and it was the least authentic high school scene ever.

Supposedly, there’s some kind of increased vampire activity nearby in Seattle, which is probably related to the uncrackable disappearances her father has been napping through working on as Chief of Police.

Seriously, this Saga is just about Bella and how everyone loves her and wants to protect her. Bella visits her Mom, to say goodbye, cause she’s gonna be undead soon. Well, not too soon, cause Eddie’s not exactly quick on the draw on anything.

You know how sometimes you think it’s later in the week than it is? Like, you think it’s Thursday, but its only Wednesday. For a minute there I thought I was on movie number four. :(

Meaningless, unresolved Werewolf/Vampire clash in the woods. Is there a point to any of this?

There’s Jacob… Ok, the music is much different this time. Still mopey, but rock. Better.

Bella has the temerity to ask Jacob why he hasn’t called her back, and then get on his bike and take off, ditching Ed. Jake takes her to shirtless werewolf HQ. Everyone gives her grief for toying with Jacob, after which she and Jacob take off for a walk and a talk so that she can toy with him some more. Bella gives him the news that she plans to be turned, and he does not take it well.

Someone breaks in to Bella’s house, causing the Cullens to get all up in arms.

Jake and Edward get in each others safety trying to work out a protection detail. Why don’t they just turn her already? Get all this over with.

LOL. Upon seeing a shirtless Jacob, Edward asks “Doesn’t he own a shirt?”

Jacob brings Bella to a werewolf council meeting. At a campfire storytelling, the legend gets told of the werewolves vs the vampire. For a moment, “Eclipse” seems like an actual movie. In other news, the Cullens figure out that all the violence in Seattle could be the work of “newborns”. Someone is turning new vampires on a mass scale in order to raise a vampire army.

More pillow talk between Edward and Bella about why she shouldn’t become a vampire. Zzzzzzzzz… Go get back out in the sun and shine, sparkle boy.

Bella continues to toy with Jacob, cause she’s a high school chick, and they do that. Jacob doesn’t care, he plows right through her stop signs and tells her he loves her, cause he’s a high school boy and he doesn’t know how dumb he’s being. LOL. Pull back, it’s a trap! He gives her a rapey kiss and she hurts her hand punching him in the face. Good times. ;)

Phhhbbbbbtttt. Seriously though, there’s five movies about turning Bella? I was a jerk for coming up with this idea. How come none of you stopped me?

Bitchy Cullen gives her backstory. It’s a better short film than all three of these full length features have been so far. Getting sick of hearing all these vampires bemoan not being human though. Go fall on a stick, already and be done with it…

“The Volturi are here, they really ARE behind this!” – No one, ever.

Anna Kendrick, valedictorian. Most believable moment yet.

I understand Jacob is a dog, and he wants to protect Bella, but he is getting a little creepy/stalky. Jake buddy, don’t make me a free agent, I don’t want to be on Team Edward. Is there another Team? Does Bella get freaky with Alice or anything, so I could be on Team Alice?

Post-graduation party, Jake forges an uneasy alliance with the Cullens to help protect Bella. My understanding is that that final battle doesn’t go down ’til Breaking Dawn 2, though. They’re going to drag this shit out for two and a half more movies? Wow. The werewolf/Cullen summit is bad bad, not funny bad. As Creepy Cullen explains how to fight newly made vampires, he tells the wolves, “Never go for the obvious kill, they’ll be expecting that.” Did autocorrect get ahold of that sentence or something? That makes no sense.

Here we go, training montage. Ugh. “Rocky”, this is not.

By the way, did you all know Taylor Lautner was actually a Karate Champ when he was young? He was actually quite awesome, check it…

.

That’s a bad ass little kid right there, and I’ve actually judged youth karate tournaments before…

Somebody told their backstory, I think it was Creepy Cullen.

They’re all still talking strategy… I think. I don’t know. Must have lost focus for a minute.

Btw, there’s no truth to the rumor I just spent 15 minutes of “Eclipse” surfing YouTube and watching Taylor Lautner karate videos on my iPad. It was totally on pause.

The idea is to get Bella away, for her safety. Apparently, the red-headed vampire, the one whose boyfriend got killed over Bella in Twilight, is behind the whole Volturi are raising a new vampire army thing. Again, it’s all about Bella. So they plan to get Bella away to safety by having Jacob carry her away from the field they’re all on, due to the fact that his wolf stench will mask her scent. Which would be bright, except, they bring her back to her house, where no vampires would think to look for her.

Yet another movie where nothing happens.

Bella tells her father that Edward is “old school” (not the term I would choose) and that’s she’s a virgin. Then she promptly heads off to try to do it with Edward. Things start off, and I think we’re about to get beyond this thing but surprise!! Eddie wusses out. He starts talking about how he’s from a different era, etc etc, and winds up proposing to her instead. I’m not buying it. The whole thing is just fan service for tween girls who dream of a guy who doesn’t want sex, he just wants to love them and hold hands.

Meanwhile, we get a scene with the “enemies” who are plotting against the Cullens. It seems pretty thin to me. Am I asking too much to be able to understand this?

Seriously, remember my Die Hard time study? I should have done one for Lautner so I could get a shirtless/shirted ratio. It’s gotta be 10 to 1, easily.

Ok, cool. Are we finally gonna get a battle? River crossing, helicopter shots, big orchestral swell…

Nope.

So, they all camp on a mountain to keep Bella safe, right? But she’s freezing at night in her tent. Jacob busts in and says he’s going to keep her warm. Edward bristles and puts up a little beef, but lets Jacob spoon with her to warm her up. How could anyone be on team Edward? Don’t they recognize he’s a Eunuch? As Bella sleeps, Jacob and Edward talk about how much they both love Bella, and almost share a bromantic moment. You can tell this wasn’t written by a man.

Ughcckjllnnmnhjjjjuuuckk….. that’s as close as I can get to phonetically expressing my feelings right now.

Credit to Lautner. Even in a wintery scene, snow on the ground, etc, looks as if its freezing… No shirt. The man has his principles, dammit. &$%# those shirts!

Ok, so in order to get Jacob not to leave, Bella asks him to kiss her. The two start making out. I don’t know yet if Edward saw. If he did, my recommended course of action is to get staggeringly drunk and loudly call Bella a slut to her face in front of a bunch of other people. What does Wussy Eddie do? Nothing. Yeah, and he saw too. He was just like, I understand, I love you, I’m a sissy, etc.

Ok, here we go. Running Vampires vs Standing Vampires with werewolves jumping in. Why do Vampires make sounds like a bag of coins when their heads get ripped off? The Cullen/Canine combo is kicking ass. The camping trick doesn’t fool the evil red-headed vampire, though. She and her right hand man track Eddie and JingleBella down to their tent on the mountain. Edward tries to use his Jedi mind tricks, but to no avail. The right hand vampire (whose name I can’t be bothered to rewind for) charges. Thankfully, a werewolf is there to jump in and save Ed, cause god knows he would probably get his ass kicked. Hell, little Taylor Lautner would kick his ass (see video proof above). Meanwhile, Ed does manage to defeat Victoria, the female vampire that was hunting Bella.

They all return to the battlefield, where it’s revealed that the Voltron is coming. When the Vulturi arrive… I don’t know, they talk a lot and posture and try to out pose the Cullens. Seriously, I was hoping a Zoolander style walk off would happen.

Ohhhh good GOD does this movie never END?

Jacob got his bones broken in a fight with a vampire. Now he’s hurting and Bella rushes to his bedside in order to string him along some more. We can’t have this movie be about a battle between vampire clans, now can we? This is a movie about BELLA, DAMMIT! Lautner (shirtless, btw, for those keeping score at home) basically begs for her some more. Dude. Give it up, you’ve got a six pack, just go get some other girl, you’re like 18, you should be slaying ‘em fer goddasakes.

We close in a field of flowers as Bella and Edward discuss wedding plans. Excuse me while I go look for some cleaning products to pour into my eyes. Bella gives a little speech about how it’s not her male suitors who define her! It’s her experiences! Even though her experiences these past three films have basically boiled down to picking which boy to be with.

Annnnnd End. Thank $&#%in’ Christ. For real, that ending was tough. That movie was tough, although it was at least punctuated by a battle scene between werewolves and vampires. Even though it was lame, I took to it like I was a starving Jean Valjean tossed a piece of bread.

I’m gonna just pretend its one BIG movie left to go instead of two. Cause this is getting rough. It’s all been building to something, right? All of this can’t JUST be about Bella and which boy she chooses, can it? Gawd…

Alright. Once more, into the breach, my friends! See you again in a few hours!

Eclipse

Daniel Fogarty

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47 thoughts on “Too Much Twilight To Take?: “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse”

  1. “Even though it was lame, I took to it like I was a starving Jean Valjean tossed a piece of bread.”

    I laughed heartily at that.

  2. Dan, I will drink for you, how about that? I have read and listened to all the books but not even a shirtless Lautner could bring me back for this movie. As much of a horrid actor Pattison is, please check out, if you have not, Water for Elephants. He really redeems himself!

    • Water For Elephants was quite good. I recommend it also. (After all, it does have Christof Waltz in it.)

      • You know, I hear you both, but I’m in no rush to watch any more Pattinson for quite awhile. I’m sure you can understand. LOL. As long as he never gets cast as Bond (wickedest internet rumor ever) I’m fine. LOL

  3. I keep waiting for you to describe the scene where, everyone in the cast is assembled in the woods, as the canisters of napalm slowly fall from the planes drifting ever closer to the tree canopy.

    • That would have been awesome. A little Apocalypse now treeline bombing when everyone is out on the field to do battle? I would have paid $50 for that to have happened.

      Alas, it was not to be. LOL. Actually I dont think ANYONE dies in the whole series except bad guys. No guts.

      • You know, I think some of these actors and actresses aren’t supposed to be too bad but they aren’t given much to work with especially when working off of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson…

      • Anyone can look terrible in the context of these movies. Anna Kendrick was in these films, and no one would have known she was a good actress if this was all we ever saw of her.

        That said, I’ve seen Stewart stink out the joint in other movies now, so… Although in fairness, I did like her in Adventureland. ;)

  4. I enjoy your suffering, although next Sunday I will be undergoing the same punishment. You went through this for us, I’ll just be doing it to keep the wife happy.

    • Yup. Ten years or so ago I was a Karate instructor for a couple of years. Got up to second degree Black Belt, ran a dojo for a little while… it was fun, but I wasn’t making enough cash, so I went back to accounting… :D True story.

  5. You can’t put me in that category with those who didn’t stop you; i vehemently tried, but your mind was made up. I had an intervention, but there was no stopping you. NOW will you listen to your friends! lol. :)

  6. “How come none of you stopped me?” What!?

    My sister says this is the worst but I laughed and said that’s like saying out of these 5 dog turds that this one is definitely the worst haha xD

  7. I think I’ve seriously gotten a little sick to my stomach reading this. I haven’t seen any of this nor read the books. Does she really string both of them along like this and Ed doesn’t fight for her at all.???? DuDE!!!! How did you do this???

    • LOL. It wasn’t easy.

      But yes, Edward was the most spineless vampire ever. Keep in mind, he’s supposed to be written for 12 yr old girls to like him. He’s the boy who understands that they just want to be friends with this other boy. LOL. Even though the characters are in high school and should have figured out that that’s all bullshit. :)

      • Dude. That just makes it creepier. He’s like 100, hitting on this girl, letting her be with this other guy, all trying to be freinds….dude….its just gross, strange and not anything I’m interested in. Gives a bad name to women, vampires and anything else.
        Glad you lived to tell the tale!

  8. “Go get back out in the sun and shine, sparkle boy.”

    Excuse me a moment while I wipe the spittle from my screen. I’ve learned my lesson – beverages and Fogs do NOT mix.

  9. “Does Bella get freaky with Alice or anything, so I could be on Team Alice?”

    Seconded.

    “recommended course of action is to get staggeringly drunk and loudly call Bella a slut to her face in front of a bunch of other people.”

    This made me laugh.

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