Too Much Twilight to Take?: “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2″

Breaking Dawn 2No joke. I’m writing this in the computer room cause I don’t want to go back in front of the TV. I want it over, but I need a break. I feel like Rocky getting his ass beat by Clubber in Rocky III. I hadn’t expected these movies would be THIS bad. “He’s strong, he’s too strong…”

I’ve been at this for twelve hours now. TWELVE hours of watching “Twilight”. Whose idea was this anyways? I need to punch someone, but I think it’s me, and I’ve been punched enough today.

Everything is flagging. Towards the end of that last post, I realized I wasn’t even making jokes anymore, I was just summarizing what was going on. I’m seriously dragging myself across the finish line now.

This was a poorly conceived idea, I doubt anyone is still reading along – why the hell would they? Who wants to? What kind of dumb ass would think people would?

But I’m finishing God dammit. I’m finishing… not gonna quit NOW, that would really be dumb. So in I go! One last ^$%&ing Twilight piece of crap to sludge through, let’s get this over with.

I don’t think I’ve ever been given pause at the “Continue” screen on a pay per view purchase as I did just then.

Very artistic opening title sequence, wow. Almost as if they’re introducing a real movie…

No Bella voice over to begin? I feel robbed.

Oooooh. Being a vampire is trippy. Edward’s still a wuss, complaining about how strong his wife is. LOL. Bella needs to feed, so she goes hunting. We get to see her rushing around, all bionic and whatnot, feeling her new superpowers out. She sees a deer, but fires off after a mountain climber with a cut who’s miles away instead. Her conscience hits her and it’s back to the deer, but now she takes down a mountain lion that was jumping after it, instead. Three minutes in and we’ve already had more action than in part 1.

Time to meet baby! What’s up? It’s CGI? They couldn’t even get a real baby? That’s messed up. Bella kicks Jacob’s ass after he confesses he’s imprinted on the baby. LOL. He should. Perv. “It’s not like that!” He keeps saying.

What is this stupid baby’s name? Renesmay? How do you spell it? Renesmee. It’s even spelled stupidly.

So. Last movie we got a wedding, a honeymoon, a pregnancy and childbirth. Now we get a housewarming. Is a divorce too much to ask for? At least these two can hook up now without Edward crying like a little bitch for two whole days first. And three after.

Jacob’s fixated on the baby now, which is creepy. Plus, he’s keeping his shirt on lately, which isn’t funny. The Cullens are gonna move away to protect Bella’s new undead status, so Jacob goes to Bella’s Dad and takes his shirt off. No, seriously, he does. His pants too this time. Then he shows him that he’s a werewolf, in order to keep the Cullens around. Now that the secret’s out, there’s no reason to move.

Funny scene where the Cullens instruct Bella how to act human. I wish they had done that at the beginning of the saga… No, no Bella, people aren’t so… stiff.

“The Walking Dead” is on right now. I could be watching that right now… It’s ten times the entertainment that this is, in every regard.

Bella kind of tries to explain to her Dad about being undead. This whole thing really IS just about Bella isn’t it?

That CGI baby creeps me out. I keep expecting it to start recommending E*Trade.

Fesitvus arrives early this year. It’s Bella vs Ox Cullen in feats of strength!

Ok, to this point I don’t understand why Wimpy Eddie kept crying about Bella turning. They make being a vampire look like the greatest thing ever…. Uh oh. Maggie Grace shows up and see Renewhateverherstupidnameis and doesn’t look happy. “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. But if you have a vampire baby, I will find you, and I will kill you.” Here she goes… Ratting out the Cullens and E*Trade vampire baby to the Volturi. Will we finally have a movie about something other than just Bella and her stupid supernatural love life?

Flashback to evil baby vampires with bloody faces. That’s kind of cool. Apparently at one time, Vampire women turned little children cause they couldn’t have babies. Then the babies couldnt be reasoned with though so they just killed people. Coolest part of the whole saga. The Volturi made it a crime though. They like popping people’s heads off, huh? That’s cool. Thank god there’s some action and violence in this movie, I couldn’t take another “Part 1″.

Fortune Teller Cullen and Creepy Cullen bail. Why? I don’t care. For real, it could be on an ice cream run, or to go save seals, and its literally all the same to me. Travelogue now, as the Cullens start trying to recruit for the Volturi battle. Great, more $&#%ing Cullens to keep track of. Is Renesememeemee CGI even now that she’s supposed to be grown more? Something ain’t right with that kid.

Cullens are everywhere huh? They’re getting people from all over the world now… I haven’t really thought of the fact that all of these Vampires have superpowers in these flicks til now. The Cullens are assembling a Vampire X-Men team for gods sakes. They’ve got Storm and Professor X… Electro. And what is Renismey, anyways, the Christ child? She’s laying hands on people and they’re pledging her allegiance and undying loyalty. WTF. Leave it to Bella’s baby to be the most special thing ever. Why not? Her mom was, right?

Edward gives the lamest, quickest inspirational speech ever to have all the tribes stand for their “I will fight” moment. Is there any chance this final battle is cool? God, please… c’mon. A big epic brawl like the one the Harry Potter ended with. I need a little somethin’ somethin’ here, you know?

Seriously, the contact lenses in these movies are terrible. There should be a Razzie for “Worst Makeup”.

Bella’s practicing her powers in the woods. Bella’s vampire power is to be immune to other vampire’s powers. Now she’s learning to project it around others, too. I call it “wet blanket”, it fits her.

Uh oh. Edward and Bella hook up scene coming? I forget about all Bella’s epic romantic BS for a few blissful minutes.

“You’re the reason I have something to fight for” -Edward

“You’re the reason I can’t wait to turn this shit off” – Fogs

Ok, I think Reneesma is human now. Not in the story, I just mean they’re actually using an actress and not CGI. Bella and Jacob bring her to visit grandpa. Jacob is much cooler to Bella now that he’s got a new Swan to be crushing on. It’s creepy, but at least he’s less rapey towards Bella now.

Bunk!! Lol. Wendell Pierce, ladies and gentlemen… Bunk provides fake passports and papers for Resmenay and Jacob. What’s Resemay’s power anyways? Is she going to be like the deus ex machina of the battle? Like things are going badly, but then Super Vampire Baby flies in and levels everyone with some kind of Super Vampire Baby power? I could dig that.

The Vampires all prep for battle by trading war stories and roasting marshmallows around a fire. That’s when realization hits Fast Eddy.

“I can’t help thinking that all these people have put themselves in danger because I fell in love with a human” – Edward

“No %#$&ing shit” – Fogs

Bella is the worst mother ever. Giving her daughter a locket and then scaring the crap out of her the night before the war. Then she brings her to the battlefield in the morning, too. Someone should call Vampire Child Protective Services. How does everyone know where to meet, anyways? Big, convenient, scenic, snowy field…

Wow. The Vulcani brought a lot of dudes. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… Looks like some of you are going to have to share! I guess vampires have good hearing, cause the two sides parlay from a mile apart. Evil Lord Elrond reads Edward’s palm, and he too, falls under the spell of Renesmama. Great giggle on this guy though. Uh oh. Maggie Grace is in trouble now. If the Cullen baby isn’t an evil vampire baby, her report was false! There goes her head. Elrond’s gonna have Liam Neeson to contend with!

Ok, the battle is on now. Wolves are snarling and superpowers are firing. Elrond is inciting his troops… convincing them that Remneasmee is a danger and they should all fight. Fortune Teller Cullen and Creepy Cullen show up, but it’s too late. The fight is on now.

Papa Cullen is down! Papa Cullen is down! His head is rolling off on the ice. Nice. LOL Now it’s happening… Wolves and vampires fighting. There goes Creepy Cullen! He’s beheaded!

God, even the action scenes in these movies suck. LOL

Unreal. I couldn’t keep up with all the stupid shit happening, so I paused it for the first time in awhile, and there’s still a half an hour left! Dont these movies ever END? *sigh* These movies suck so bad. I want to nap, but basically it’s time for bed, so I wouldn’t wake up til the morning. NO! I’m not letting this saga win!

Anyways, There’s this giant chasm on the battlefield now due to Stormy Smurf. Wolves keep falling into it and stuff. I had something funny to say about that, I think, but I lost it. Can’t even think straight right now. I can’t believe there’s still a half an hour left off this nonsensical garbage.

Edward does some vampire acrobatics and beheads a dude that I think should be important somehow, but I don’t know cause I don’t know who any of these Vulturi are except for Lord Elrond and Dakota Fanning. Speaking of, there goes her head. LOL. A wolf chomped it. Bye Dakota, I’ll miss you… I didn’t know who anyone else was… Gregorian chants are playing and shit. It’s so EPIC. LOL Bella and Edward just team up on Lord Elrond by doing some combination martial arts/pairs skating shit on him! Wonder twins powers, activate! Bella gets…

Wait.

Did they just seriously do that? That whole $&#%ing battle was just Fortune Telling Cullen showing Lord Elrond his future?! Oh my god. A) I feel like an ass B) What a cheap ploy. Unnnnnnnnnnnreal. Basically, after she shows him in his future that he’ll die in battle, the Cullens talk him out of having a fight and killing Rememee and they all go home.

What a gyp!! LOL. My lord. I can’t believe it. That is so cheap… They just showed a 30 minute battle scene and then went “HA HA. Nope!” :roll: 

We end with acoustic guitars and synthesizers and happy visions of the future, where everyone is happy and shiny, and Bella and Edward lay in a field of flowers sharing flashbacks of all their weepy romantic BS. In its final throes, the Twilight Saga makes on final effort to defeat me, but I’ve inured myself to the maudlin, mushy, tripe. Both their faces do make me want to puke now, though.

“Nobody’s ever loved anybody as much as I’ve loved you” – Bella

“I will never have to watch Twilight again in about five minutes” – Fogs

They close on the word “forever”, but I get to think “Nope, it ends right now”

God. Phew.

That was brutal. Seriously. Those movies were SO bad. I don’t know why I didn’t think they were THAT bad, when everyone kicked them around like a football for five years. I think my thinking was that people were exaggerating because everyone hates Kristen Stewart and these movies are aimed at tweens anyways. But nope. They are legitimately THAT bad. Even this last one, which was easily my favorite because it dealt with a huge monster rumble instead of “which boy will Bella pick”, was terrible. How can you rip off your audience like that? That “fooled ya” ending is the worst cop out EVER! LOL

*sigh*

Ok. I’m done. Thank you to everyone who left comments. I did read them as I went, they kept me going strong. Seriously. Especially for this last post. I needed something because Breaking Dawn part 1 almost broke ME. This wound up a massive test of blogging endurance and a challenge to my good taste in movies. It was far more difficult than I anticipated, and now I am happily off to sleep. :D

I hope somewhere along the way you had a few laughs, because I am never doing this again.

At least not with “Twilight”. ;)

BD2HUU

Daniel Fogarty

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92 thoughts on “Too Much Twilight to Take?: “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2″

  1. Very Brave of you sir! That’s by far one of the most painful marathons I can think of, but now at least you know why the majority of us hate these with such a passion. I actually gave the last movie a 6/10 because of all of the ways I enjoyed it for the wrong reasons. I was laughing my ass off for the entire ending battle and how ridiculous it all was. I mean, for christ sake nobody thought to bring a sword or two to the decapitation party? Apparently it makes much more sense to just try to pull eachother head’s off… which eithout blood makes it look like a bunch of Barbie dolls dismembering eachother.

    Great set of reviews/commentaries :)

    • Thanks Andy. Glad you enjoyed! :D

      Yeah, if I wasnt at the end of a soul draining day, I might have laughed much more at this final one. There’s certainly no shortage of things to ridicule, thats for sure! That final fight IS freaking laughable, too. I also love the way they all just fight at the edge of a widening chasm, with no regard for it. LOL :roll:

      So bad… so, so bad.

  2. I couldn’t comment before because I was at work, but your posts kept me going! I was literally laughing out loud and people may or may not have thought I was crazy, but whatever. Congrats on making it through!!! I only watched the first two myself, and I was actually in the target audience when these things started to come out. After we grew out of it, my friends and I started Team Tyler’s Van. That van and Bella were made for each other. She would have been crushed in the beginning and we would have been spared all of the rest. Really though, your posts were funny. Nice job.

    • Nice! I love ruining people’s productivity! :D

      Hunter? Knowing your taste in movies… you should never ever watch these. LOL. Theyd melt your brain now.

      Love the idea of team Tyler’s Van. If the craze were still in its heyday, that would make a great meme or tshirt or something. :D LOL

  3. Well, you survived… that’s something anyway. You’ve got a two-week breather before The Host hits theatres. I suggest you make wise use of it.

    Man… I haven’t watched these. Not going to. I have a Y chromosome and I like it that way. But wow, that all sounds worse than I had imagined, this one in particular. I mean, they finally, finally show something actually happening — and then they say “Nope!” That’s just plain shitty storytelling.

    • It IS shitty storytelling, but trust me, I still relished it. To see a FIGHT after so many hours of hand wringing over Bella… I cant tell you how relieved I was. LOL

      These would make great Morbid Curiousity Files entries one day. But I would NOT recommend more than one at once. LOL

      Meanwhile, I dont sweat “The Host” Im ready. Bring that chit to me mang!

    • LOL. Glad to enterain Kim [bows] that’s what its alllllll about :D Very very happy to provide a chuckle or two for everyone, and now that its over, I’ll also say I’m thrilled with the response, too.

      Thanks for stucking with me through it! It was a lot of Twilight to take for people following along, too! :D

  4. Seriously funny shit! If you ever need a plea in criminal court, these posts will instantly prove your insanity! “Twilight” damaged you, I know, but remember it’s not the end of the world, just looks that way.

    • HAHAHHAHAHAHH!!! Ohhhhh wow. THAT’S funny.

      Your honor, I’d like enterted into evidence the Defendant’s “Too Much Twilight To Take?” Marathon. Obviously, he is not in his right mind. :D

      I wonder if it says I’m crazy AFTER watching all five, or BECAUSE I CHOSE to watch all five! :D

  5. Next Up, Die Hard marathon. It may be the only thing that can raise your testosterone after a day like this. They are clearly harder to take in one big dose than in smaller bites. (There is a vagina and vampire joke in there somewhere but I’m not going to dig it out). Just be glad you will be spared the “Beautiful Creatures” marathon down the road. When that movie tanked we were all relieved.

    • Oh god yes, that movie was just as bad as this one. LOL Ughck.

      No marathons in sight for the near future. Im going to be marathon free for a little while. LOL ;)

      And yes, these movies are near impossible to tolerate in succession. I’ve proved on many occasions that humans can get through ONE bad movie. But five in a row was harsh. REAL Harsh. :D

    • No shit, right? LOL. Its sitting waiting in the DVR. That was a painful moment when the record light went on and I thought “I could be watching the Walking Dead right now” LOL :(

      Anyways, definitely. All over now! Woot!

  6. Yeah, I’ve heard about the big cop out ending, and even though I haven’t even seen I still felt ripped off by it somehow, haha!

    Good work overall though, Fogs! I took great pleasure in reading your misery! XD

    • Thanks Chris, I appreciate that, I’m glad you had a good time, that was the point of the whole thing after all. LOL :D

      That ending man. WOW. LOL. In a way, I’m glad I saw it for myself. I’m surprised I hadn’t heard about that though! I would think now, in retrospect that that would have lit the internet up.

      I guess everyone already didnt give a crap. LOL

  7. Your endurance is now legendary bro! Honestly the second Twilight film did me in. I simply asked myself “Why?” and then never returned. Sounds like it was a mighty good choice! lol

    • Heh. Thanks! Fogs: The Man Who Can Endure Twilight!

      Good grief, I dont know if I’d have gone back after the first one! LOL Although I suppose someone might thnk, maybe they’ll get better… ;) I can see that. They defiitely didnt though. 3 was a slight uptick from 1 & 2 but 4 was horrifyingly bad. LOL

  8. Thanks be to you, mon ami, for taking this mind-boggling amount of bullets for me and everyone else. I had never seen any of these, and now I KNOW I’ll never have to. Be strong, brother, it is over. I recommend at least a few “blow some shit up” movies to cleanse yourself of this ordeal.

    P.S. Even the gf has said she wants nothing to do with these, so I found me a keeper!

    • Dude. Youre absolutely right. NEVER waste your time on these Dak. Stay clear. There’s NOTHING of value for you. OR your girlfriend!

      I’m so burnt out right now that I’m taking the day off from ANY movies, actually. LOL. My regularly scheduled programming will resume in a few days I suppose. ;)

  9. Many congrats my good man, thought i’d just leave my comments on the final post. I think you need someone to keep checking in on you today just to make sure you’re alright. I half expect someone to break into your place in a week’s time to find you catatonic in the corner mumbling something about Volturi and Taylor Lautner’s pectorals. Either that or you’ll get spotted out wearing a Team Edward t-shirt – you little Twi-hard, you.

    • LOL. I would never wear a Team Edward tshirt. Even above and beyond the fact I would never wear a Twilight Tshirt, I would certainly never be on Team Edward. What a loser that guy is.

      The part about me being catatonic though wasn’t far off… Somewhere in the middle of Breaking Dawn 1 I was curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth and whimpering to make it stop! :D

  10. this movie is hilarious. the scene where she is yelling at Jacob ‘You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster!’ had me laughing for a few minutes. Hilarious review man.

    • I think, if I hadnt just watched 10 hours straight of these things, that I would have found much more humor here. This one is laughably bad. That fight scene at the end was ridiculous. LOL :roll:

  11. Ok, you should at least get something for your efforts; here is a clip of Beavis & Butthead watching “Twilight” at the theater. lol.

      • You should watch this episode; the name of the episode is “The Werewolves of Holland High” and it’s hilarious. The guys decide to become werewolves so they can get lots of chicks. lol. I think the episode is on Amazon for like 1.99 and you can stream it. It’s worth buying! lol. It’s the first episode from volume 4. It will help kickstart the process of filtering out all that crap your brain downloaded yesterday. :)

      • I did take a lot of garbage to the brain yesterday, thats for sure. I think Im going to steer clear of highscool werewolves for awhile though. LOL

        I’ll take note, if I ever cross it on TV or netflix though. ;)

      • Oh, no, dude, they don’t actually become werewolves. lol. They try to. The story is only like 12 minutes. Each episode you buy has 2 stories. This is Mike Judge – so same type of humor as Office Space. It’s well-written. It’s not more Twilight drivel. lol. I wouldn’t do that to you. I doubt it’s ever going to be on netflix; none of the other episodes from the 90′s are. Just trust me, it’s worth streaming the one episode for 1.99. I promise. :)

  12. WOOHOO!! You did it!! WHEW! It is over…you have been brave and resilient–and hilarious!! Well done.
    Thanks again for subjecting your mental well being for our entertainment–this was indeed legendary! Wrap yourself up in glory and triumph.
    Later!!
    PS–Walking Dead ROCKS!! :D

    • LOL. Thanks Nedi. Very glad you enjoyed, that was the whole idea. :D

      Yeah, I made it. Just had to sacrifice a day, and suffer through all of Bella’s BS. And Edward’s. And wish Taylor Lautner could find a shit that didn’t bother his shirt allergies… you get the idea. LOL :D

      Walking Dead does indeed rock. I have a new episode to watch at some point… that’s a little benefit I guess! :D

  13. Hope you recorded The Walking Dead. It was creepy but in a good way. You need to see it. That Governor is one serious and dangerous asshole.

  14. Ahah, it’s far more entertaining to read people’s scathing reviews of Twilight than watching the movies, Fogs. “I feel like Rocky getting his ass beat by Clubber in Rocky III” You got that right!! I was actually thinking about watching this simply because I did see the first part and I’m curious to see the final one, it’s the *completist* in me, ahah. But my hubby turned to me and said, ‘why?? why on earth would you want to put ourselves through this?!’ Well I still might watch it to see just HOW bad it is and for the laughs, of course :D

    • If it’s JUST this movie, you might not do too bad. Frankly, this is the closest to an actual movie out of all of them. The rest are just thes wrung out Bella-dramas. There’s absolutely no reason.

      I still wouldnt recommend this. Its SO bad, Ruth. LOL. It really is. I suppose if you and he want to watch it and laugh, it might work, but otherwise…. its SO bad. LOL ;)

      • Ahah yeah, I’ve seen about 3 of the Twilight movies as my colleague who’s a Twi-hard mom lent me her BDs all the time. So I know how bad they are, I mean I can’t stand K-Stew as you already know. I’m curious to see this one simply because it’s the last one, hopefully the appearance of Lee Pace here might console me a bit, ahah, though I wish he hadn’t accepted the role!

  15. Awesome man, that was quite an achievement. I felt physically pained just reading through these, but they were also a lot of fun. I have always said that I would watch one of these, just so I can have a legitimate opinion, but I’m truly cured of that idea now!!

    Nice work buddy! :D

    • :D It was pretty painful at times, wasn’t it?

      You know, I understand where you’re coming from on having a “legit” opinion. Frankly, I felt that way myself, and that was a small contributing factor to this idea. I wouldn’t want to rag on something without knowing if I should or not…

      But now I know. If you do choose to watch one, just know going in they are BAD. LOL. Theyre pretty rough buddy! :D

  16. I haven’t read the individual Twilight reviews, but I just wanted to say “Congratulations” on finishing your blogathon. I can’t imagine anything more painful than watching one Twilight movie, let alone five, and all in one day. You are a braver man than most, Fogs.

    • LOL. Or dumber. Whats the difference, right? LOL :D

      Thanks man, it was a slog, I’m not lie. If youve never seen one, you should, just because there would be a fantasic Awesomely Shitty post at the end of that, I’m sure ;)

  17. Hi, Fogs:

    We’ve diffuse and black lights to see if you glitter and/or show signs of glowing in the dark. There will also be a tight restriction on “Manscara” if things have started to go too far.

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