Another edition of “Cheese-tastic Classics”! This is a very special installment, as it marks the series debut of the Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger. For his inaugural appearance? There is no better movie than “Commando”, a true masterpiece du fromage.
In this post, I have something extra special for Commando fans! Incontrovertible documentation that finally answers the question “Just how many dudes does Schwarzenegger kill in the infamous assault on the island scene?”
Ohhhh yes I do…
AULD LANG CYANIDE
(Sung to the tune of “Same Auld Lang Syne”, by Dan Fogleberg)
Took one last trip into the megaplex
Before ’11 up and le-eaves
Told the girl who sold the tickets there
“I’ll take one for New Year’s Eve”
I got a soda and I found a seat
The theatre’s packed what can I dooo…?
I really wish that people had more taste.
The Descendants! Theatre two!
The movie started and I tried to count
The silly plotlines flying byyyyy
I tried my best but I could not keep up
I lost track at twenty-five…
Each was stupid and complete nonsense.
These things don’t happen in real liiife…
It didn’t seem as though the theatre cared
They all laughed, and I just cried.
This movie’s %&$#ing vacuous, it’s empty and it’s dumb!
Its lame attempts at “soulfulness”… left me feeling numb…
Heigl, Kutcher, Berry, Pfeiffer, Biel.
Breslin, Parker, Broderick toooo…
And if you think that sounds like overkill,
I’m not halfway %&$#ing through!
But here’s a riddle that I couldn’t solve,
And I don’t say this in je-est…
How could it be that in this “Actorfest”
Jon Bon Jovi did the best?!
Now I’ll admit there was a laugh or two
The movie IS two hours loooong
But if you judged it by my audience,
This was Cheech and %&$#ing Chong!
This movie’s %&$#ing vacuous, it’s empty and it’s dumb!
Its lame attempts at “soulfulness”… left me feeling numb…
This movie’s %&$#ing vacuous, its shallow and it’s trite!
At points it made me really wish… I’d brought some cyanide…
And so the movie was a painful thing
Not just itself, but for the cro-owd…
It was obvious they didn’t care
But I wanted to scream out!
HOW COULD DE NIRO SELL US OUT LIKE THIS?!
The man was Vito Corleoooone….
But the audience was into it,
My good taste… made me… a-lone….
(Sax Outro)
HAPPY NEW YEARS FROM FOGS’ MOVIE REVIEWS
