A Haunted House

A_Haunted_House

“A Haunted House” is scary alright.

It’s scary as hell that anyone ever thought that this offensive piece of garbage would be funny.

Vulgar, racist, contemptible, nauseating, dim-witted, and ultimately pitiable, “A Haunted House” makes a strong early bid at Worst Movie of 2013.

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The 2013 Winter Movie Season Preview

Winter

Ok, boys and girls. The Holiday Season is over… and the Spring Season, full of mini Blockbusters, is still months away.

Between now and then lies Hollywood’s dumping ground. The Hollywood fields lie fallow in the winter, bearing little quality product. It’s the two months of the year we need to “Get through”. While January typically offers some limited releases from the prior year going wide, there’s typically little else to get excited over.

Will this year be different? Are there any movies to get excited about these next two months? Let’s take a look at the release slate and see what we’ve got!

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Movies That Everyone Should See: “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy”

There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man then the rest.

His name was Ron Burgundy.

He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo.

In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.

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The 2012 Fall Movie Preview – Part I

With this weekend’s release of “The Expendables 2″ and “ParaNorman”, the summer movie season is pretty much over. One weekend remains in August, and those movies wont have much room to run before school is back in session.

Nope, the season of the big blockbuster is behind us. It’s time to look ahead to the fall.

Not to despair, though, the fall brings sharp movies for the thinking movie fan. Movies which may have more selective box office appeal, but which may be some of the best movies all year.

So click through to take a look at the first part of this year’s fall preview. Today we’ll look at the last week of August, plus September, and then we’ll come back tomorrow with October and the first week of November. Together they’ll take us right up to the start of the Holiday movie season, and the November 9th release of Skyfall!

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Piranha 3DD

Here’s the best thing about Piranha 3DD.

It practically comes with a warning label.

Between the title and that poster it is absolutely scaring away or driving off any people who would potentially… I dont know, stagger into the theatre by accident. I don’t see any old ladies taking way too long to buy a ticket staring at the showtime listings asking the cashier “W-what’s that Piranha 3DD about?” I don’t see any families with young kids with little Billy saying excitedly, “Mommy, Mommy, Piranha 3DD!! Piranha 3DD!!” and then the mom answering, “Is that what you want to see? Oh ok…” LOL

No, between the marketing and the previous movie, I do believe that the only people who will check this movie out are people who will enjoy seeing a CGI Piranha chomp onto someone’s penis, or enjoy slow motion silicone shaking shots, or get a kick out of David Hasslehoff mocking himself.  

If you’re one of those people? “Piranha 3DD” is the movie for you.

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Final Destination 5


The upside to being a fifth film in a franchise is that by now, audiences know exactly what to expect.

I didn’t expect any major deviations from the formula, I didn’t expect any radical departures from the prior films. Thus I knew even before going in that “Final Destination 5″ had a maximum achievable grade of a B, even though it could still possibly fail if it wound up sucking.

Here’s what “Final Destination 5″ needed to do in order to max out its grade in my book.

  1. Provide a suitable cast of attractive, vapid characters to kill. I don’t want any GOOD characters, I’d hate to think of them as actual people. Hell, I barely want to think at all during this flick. Give me Cannon Fodder and make it pretty.  
  2. Feed me a series of comically freakish kills. The gorier the better. The more complicated the better. Kind of like a Fangoria Magazine game of Mousetrap.
  3. Abuse the 3D element of the film. Don’t hold back. You can not shoot enough things straight at me and off the screen, or drop them off of high enough cliffs. Go to town.

Done, Done and Done.

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