Total Recall

As I’m certain that everyone is aware, “Total Remake” – sorry, “Total Recall” – is a remake of the 1989 Sci-Fi/Action classic starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I’m not certain how fair or unfair it is to constantly compare remakes to their original inspirations, but when a movie is as beloved as the first “Total Recall” is, comparisons to it are inescapable. It’s the price that needs to be paid if Hollywood is going to recycle properties, I suppose… not that they care.

In that regard, it’s a pale imitation. Though the special effects are better, the action sequences feel generic and, occasionally, forced. Its stars can’t provide half the charisma that Schwarzenegger, Stone, Ironside and Ronny Cox did back in the day. And perhaps worst of all, the plot has been dumbed down a degree for today’s audiences (as Hollywood sees them). As a remake, it fails.

Even taken as a completely individual, stand alone movie, “Total Recall” isn’t that good. Every bright-spot is offset with something blindingly bland. Eventually it succumbs to extreme averageness and winds up almost completely forgettable.

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Underworld: Awakening

The fourth film in the “Underworld” franchise has arrived, and once again it features Kate Beckinsale in latex fighting against CGI werewolves lycans. This time, she’s been captured by humans and held in storage as a test subject for 12 years. After humanity discovers the existences of “Non-humans”, the people of the planet put their differences aside and join forces to “purge” the planet. Beckinsale’s Selene is fortunate enough to be captured and not killed.

Of course, she escapes, (it wouldn’t be much of a movie if she were in a cryogenic tube for the duration) and once again dual-wields her silver-bullet firing machine-gun pistols against the hordes of cartoon werewolves lycans.

Cheese, anyone?

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