I realize that the terror may be too much!
You may be overcome with the horror!
But we have to press on! What fiendishness lies at that heart of the Silver Shamrock Mask Company?
WE NEED TO KNOW!!!
Our intrepid heroes are on their way to the Silver Shamrock Mask Company. Ellie Grimbridge, to discover why her father was killed, and Dr. Dan Challis, to try to
get a hot piece of young ass to help her. They take the long drive out into “the middle of nowhere” to locate the Silver Shamrock headquarters. Mercifully, that leaves them far away from televisions and television commercials.
Of course, as they arrive in Santa Mira, they stand out like sore thumbs. The town is small to say the least, and all the residents seem as if they’re pod people from “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. Of course, it’s probably at least partially due to the fact that the town is under surveillance. Closed circuit cameras are strategically placed throughout.
They get gas and check into the local motel, where the proprietor speaks with a heavy Irish accent. I’m beginning to feel stereotyped.
This guy tells them “Top o’ the mornin’,” “Erin go Bragh,” and then asks them if they’re looking to buy any sheleighlies.
Detective Dr. Dan snoops around while Ellie checks into the room. They only get one room, as they’re posing as man and wife (Dr. Dan’s idea 😉 ). As Ellie stalls the motel owner, Dr Dan checks the register and finds that Ellie’s father checked in over night.
Meanwhile, outside, a black limo does a slow drive by. If Ellie had Michael Corleone instincts, she’d have ducked for cover behind something. The motel owner explains that that’s Conal Cochran… owner of Silver Shamrock. “A great man… a true genius. The Steve Jobs of the Halloween Mask industry.” Ok, I added that last one.
Some disposable victims A merchant pulls up to check in, angry that Silver Shamrock messed up her order. A family pulls up and checks in as well. Of course, they’re obnoxious. The man’s a fat idiot, his wife is a fat shrew, and their kid is an obnoxious brat who gives his mother the finger. These charmers have come a long way to tour the Silver Shamrock facility.
Dr. Dan and Ellie may join them.
In the morning that is.
Grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.
Yessss… Dr. Dan, total stud, is at it again. With barely a word, he adds a notch for Ellie Grimbridge to his well notched bedpost. Of course, she may be an easy mark, seeing as it’s been less than a week since her father died, and she’s never seen a mustache before.
Meanwhile, out in the town, the announcement system calls out for curfew (at 6:00 no less) and the cameras scan the empty streets. Dr Dan goes out anyways, as he needs to get some booze. On his way back, he runs into a disgruntled wino who claims he’s going to molotov cocktail the Silver Shamrock factory. After Dr. Dan gives him a drink and a dollar, he leaves him be. Shortly thereafter, the men in suits and gloves rip the winos head off with stoic expressions on their faces the entire time.
One less… bell to answer. One less… egg to fry. One less man to pick up after! I should be happy, but all I do is cry!
Back at the hotel, Ellie is getting a soda from the vending machine, when she runs into the vendor who’s staying overnight. The vendor blows off steam about Silver Shamrock’s shoddy customer service before they both go back to their rooms.
While Ellie and Dr. Dan do the dirty deed, the vendor settles in with a book to read before bed. She sees the Silver Shamrock tag has fallen off of the mask she’s bringing back and is on the floor. Picking it up, she notices there’s a computer chip inserted in it. She begins to pick at the chip with a bobby pin.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
She gets shot in the face by a laser beam and then a bug hatches in her head and crawls out of the charred hole that was her mouth. Photographic evidence that I’m not making that ridiculous sentence up is attached dierctly above this paragraph. Whatever rationalization your brain just conjured up for itself as to how a Halloween Mask tag containing a microchip could emit a laser beam powerful enough to pop someone’s face open like an overcooked hot dog and then cause bugs to hatch in the victim’s head is better than the answers we’ll eventually be given. Trust me.
An entire team of lab coat wearing men pull up to remove the body. Dr Dan and Ellie throw some clothes on and
do the walk of shame hurry out to the van to see what’s going on. Dan’s insistence that he’s a doctor doesn’t get him access to the body. He’s told she’ll get the best care that money can buy, courtesy of Mr Cochran, owner of Silver Shamrock. Scooby Doo and the gang already have this one figured out, but Dr Dan and Ellie are still investigating.
If Evil had a face… it would probably look like Michael Myers. But if Evil had another face… it would probably look like Freddy Krueger. Ah, forget it… here’s Conal Cochran, face of Silver Shamrock.
Dr. Dan and Ellie overhear Cochran being told the incident was due to a “misfire” but they know they’re outnumbered, so they stay cool for now, and head back to the room. In the morning, Dr Dan calls his Coroner lady friend to
keep her lined up inquire about the status of the autopsy. She still can’t find any human remains in the car. Dr Dan tells her to look into Cochran the best she can, and then they head off to the mask factory.
When Dr Dan and Ellie inquire at the factory about her father’s final order, they run into the Kupfer family, there for their tour. Conal Cochran comes out congratulate Kupfer on being the top annual salesman, when he sees the two amateur sleuths. He insists that the woman from the night before has been flown to the hospital and is in good hands. He’ll replace the merchandise order they’re inquiring about at no charge! What a swell guy!
Kupfer asks if they can come on the tour with his family. Why didn’t Dr Dan think of that? No, seriously, why didn’t Dr Dan think of that?
The tour is as mundane as you’d imagine, but it is revealed that Cochran’s the all time genius at practical jokes, and used to be a world class toy maker.
The horror… The horror…
Dr. Dan does takes note of all the similarly dressed security staff who are standing about, stiffer than buckingham palace guards. As he and Ellie make their way out, she sees her father’s car in a shed. Guards cut her off from going to it.
When they return to the hotel, Dr Dan and Ellie have seen enough. It’s time to call the police. Only the phone is out… On the TV, the Silver Shamrock theme is playing for the sixth time.
One more day til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween
One more day til Halloween, Sil-Ver Shamrock.
Silver Shamrock security has come for Dr Dan. They’ve kidnapped Ellie, and punch in the door to his room. He escapes, but the phones are out all over town. He makes his way back to the mask factory and sneaks inside. There, he runs into a mechanical Whistler’s Mother, happily knitting away. Of course, he doesn’t recognize that it’s a dummy, and shakes it angrily, demanding to know where Ellie is. Its mechanized head falls off, and the light dawns on Dr Dan.
Who’s the dummy here?
Of course, he’s immediately grabbed by Silver Shamrock security, and gets into a fight with a guard. After punching the guard across the face a couple of times to no effect, Dr Dan punches right into the guard’s stomach! The guard starts drooling orange juice and Dr Dan pulls his hand out, and it’s covered in orange oil!
Yes, the Silver Shamrock security guards… The gloved men dressed in suits responsible for killing Ellie Grimbridge’s father aren’t even human. They’re the mechanized creations of genius toymaker Conal Cochran. Which is why Ellie’s father’s killer was so willing to set himself on fire. And also why the coroner was unable to find any human remains in the burnt wreckage of the car.
Unfortunately for Dan, as soon as he disposes of the one guard, he’s apprehended by two others, accompanied by Cochran. Cochran gloats about how it will be Halloween morning soon, and it will be a big day for him…
The wickedness! The unspeakable evil! The unbearable suspense! The unfathomable horror!!
Every time I think of you
I always catch my breath
And I’m still standing here
And you’re miles away
And I’m wondering why you left
Cochran and his mechanized goons escort Dr Dan down to his secret lab, with Cochran bragging every step of the way about how lifelike his robots are, and how advanced the technology is… Of course, his secret lair isn’t exactly up to SPECTRE par. It looks like a bunch of tvs on tv stands, with a bunch of control consoles with blinking lights set up all over just to… blink.
But the centerpiece of the Evil Lair is a large upright slab of rock, surrounded by scaffolding and a small team of (robot?) scientists. Cochran begins to explain… It’s from an ancient sacrificial circle…
They’ve been chipping off pieces of the Stonehenge rock and putting them in the tags on Silver Shamrock Halloween masks. Cochran begins “monologuing”. Per Cochran, Stonehenge “has a power… A force… even a particle is devastating.” He then shows Dr Dan a closed circuit feed of Ellie, and one of the woman’s corpse from the night before. He tells Dr Dan he needs a demonstration, and they tune in to the Kupfer family being led into a room by some robo-guards.
The room is a mock living room, with a big tv. The young boy has his mask with him. The Silver Shamrock commercial begins playing for the seventh time. I climb to the top of my roof and prepare to swan dive. The boys mask begins to melt, and his head begins to rot as the tag reacts with the strobing lights and synth bass of the commercial. His parents look on in dismay, as does Dr Dan, as the boys rotted head spews out a small horde of cockroaches and a handful of snakes!
Is there any stopping the Silver Shamrock Novelty Company??
Can the children of the world be saved from turning into human pupae??
Will Fogs hang himself if he has to listen to the SILVER %$#&ING SHAMROCK JINGLE ONE MORE TIME??!!
Tune in tomorrow for the
ridiculous exciting conclusion of Awesomely Awful: “Halloween III: Season of the Witch!!”
And if you haven’t caught this beauty yet, AMC is running it at various times this week… check your guides and set your DVRs!!