I had been here before.
Unsuspecting. No particular anticipation.
But I’m a veteran, experienced. Getting grizzled now even.
So when that first swell started… I noticed it right away. The first visuals, I mean, right from the opening shot. I was like “Ooh. Garish.” The dialogues starts. Mickey Rourke sets a priest on fire. There was a different taste in the air. I sat straighter in my seat.
This was “Awesomely Awful” territory. And big surf at that.
I geared up. Headed out. The fight scenes started and a parade of people in silly looking costumes flatlined dialogue about Gods and mortals. “Get me out there, get me out there” was all I could think. This was a monster. “Theseus” fights a “Minotaur” that’s really just a big dude in a barbed wire bull mask. I tweeted madly, laughed out loud openly. This was legendary stuff! “Get me out there get me out there!”
Little did I know what I was facing.
For those of you who aren’t “Cheese Afficianados”, move along. Ok? Immortals is an “F”, go watch something else, there’s nothing for you here.
But for those of you who watch the bad ones. The REALLY REALLY bad ones… and take glee in it. Then I’ve got a movie for you.
But this ain’t no KINDYgarten. I’m not offering you a BEER here. This is the uncut dope, man, this is the real shit. I am the gun dealer in Taxi Driver here, I am Lance offering the Choco in Pulp Fiction. This shit will TAKE the Pepsi Challenge.
This flick is BAAAAAD.
I laughed out loud several times. Theatre was almost totally empty, I didn’t care. I couldn’t help it. Belted right out a couple of “HA”s. It was LUDICROUS. I had to laugh! I mean, look at this THING Mickey Rourke wears on his &%#@ing head!!! It’s a lobster claw mounted on a venus fly trap and then bronzed! WTF?!! And he’s not alone!! Every ten seconds there’s a different ridiculous outfit as if the movie were costumed by tag team of Jigsaw and Terry Gilliam. And the sets are just as whacked out… I mean, honestly, the visual designs of this movie from top to bottom were done by lunatics. Stark raving insane people.
But it STARTS there, that’s just the beginning.
Borrowing from Greek mythology, the story revolves around the Gods and the Titans, so everything is all very serious and important. The Gods win the war against the Titans and keep the surviving vanqueshed Titans locked in Tartarus. King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) apparently lost his wife and child to some kind of sickness, prayed, and wasn’t answered. Their deaths – I think the movie is saying – drove him to seek revenge against the Gods. So he searches for the Epirus Bow, a magic bow created during the Gods during the war against the Titans, in order to bust the imprisoned TItans out of captivity so they can wreak havoc against the Gods.
So, a story like that creates a certain atmosphere and a tone that’s really… almost a recipe for cheese. How many “Greek Gods” movies have risen above cheese? I must be missing them…
So a lot of armored dudes with swords and sandals fight and Theseus is this commoner who the Gods have been secretly training to be an awesome warrior and eventually his mother gets killed by Hyperion for no good reason other than to have him have a personal vendetta against Hyperion because Hyperion is the one who slits her throat in front of him and the after he fights a minotaur dude he meets a virgin oracle whose fortune telling powers rely on her virginity except he bangs her anyways because her foresight is a curse and not because she’s Freida Pinto and she’s hot or anything but the Gods are still looking out for him even though they’re not supposed to get involved and he finds the magic bow that Hyperion is looking for except he loses it back to him but that’s ok because he raises an army to protect the mountain and then the fighting begins for real.
The typical foundations of a “So bad its good” movie aren’t taken for granted. Bad dialogue, bad acting, Heavy handed directing… they’re all here. The acting is atrociously bad into the sublime degree. The dialogue is too, like a happy marriage they work so well together. And joining the nuclear family of astounding ineptitude is the directing. I mean there were just some shockingly amateur cuts and hammer-you-over-the-head attempts symbolism.
But over it all. The icing on this craptastic cake. The fuel of “Immortals” is the 300 style fighting scenes. These scenes and sequences are so bad they are making me retroactively question my enjoyment of that movie. I mean, not that I ever thought it was great or anything, but that style of fight scene is so blatantly comical here, why did I not recognize that there? Was I missing something? Slow mo, RRRAAAAGGHH filled, CGI blood spatterfests. Check out the double decapitation shot!!
This is going to get full out “Awesomely Awful” treatment here – asap. There WILL be a reckonning. I mean, I have so much to mock, I haven’t even begun. It was astonishingly bad. I cringed, I laughed. I rubbed my face, I wondered how I could grade such a thing… I still dont know.
F If you’re objectively trying to watch a legitimate movie
A If you’re a fan of unintentional comedy. This movie is a classic to be.