No joke. I’m writing this in the computer room cause I don’t want to go back in front of the TV. I want it over, but I need a break. I feel like Rocky getting his ass beat by Clubber in Rocky III. I hadn’t expected these movies would be THIS bad. “He’s strong, he’s too strong…”
I’ve been at this for twelve hours now. TWELVE hours of watching “Twilight”. Whose idea was this anyways? I need to punch someone, but I think it’s me, and I’ve been punched enough today.
Everything is flagging. Towards the end of that last post, I realized I wasn’t even making jokes anymore, I was just summarizing what was going on. I’m seriously dragging myself across the finish line now.
This was a poorly conceived idea, I doubt anyone is still reading along – why the hell would they? Who wants to? What kind of dumb ass would think people would?
But I’m finishing God dammit. I’m finishing… not gonna quit NOW, that would really be dumb. So in I go! One last ^$%&ing Twilight piece of crap to sludge through, let’s get this over with.
I don’t think I’ve ever been given pause at the “Continue” screen on a pay per view purchase as I did just then.
Very artistic opening title sequence, wow. Almost as if they’re introducing a real movie…
No Bella voice over to begin? I feel robbed.
Oooooh. Being a vampire is trippy. Edward’s still a wuss, complaining about how strong his wife is. LOL. Bella needs to feed, so she goes hunting. We get to see her rushing around, all bionic and whatnot, feeling her new superpowers out. She sees a deer, but fires off after a mountain climber with a cut who’s miles away instead. Her conscience hits her and it’s back to the deer, but now she takes down a mountain lion that was jumping after it, instead. Three minutes in and we’ve already had more action than in part 1.
Time to meet baby! What’s up? It’s CGI? They couldn’t even get a real baby? That’s messed up. Bella kicks Jacob’s ass after he confesses he’s imprinted on the baby. LOL. He should. Perv. “It’s not like that!” He keeps saying.
What is this stupid baby’s name? Renesmay? How do you spell it? Renesmee. It’s even spelled stupidly.
So. Last movie we got a wedding, a honeymoon, a pregnancy and childbirth. Now we get a housewarming. Is a divorce too much to ask for? At least these two can hook up now without Edward crying like a little bitch for two whole days first. And three after.
Jacob’s fixated on the baby now, which is creepy. Plus, he’s keeping his shirt on lately, which isn’t funny. The Cullens are gonna move away to protect Bella’s new undead status, so Jacob goes to Bella’s Dad and takes his shirt off. No, seriously, he does. His pants too this time. Then he shows him that he’s a werewolf, in order to keep the Cullens around. Now that the secret’s out, there’s no reason to move.
Funny scene where the Cullens instruct Bella how to act human. I wish they had done that at the beginning of the saga… No, no Bella, people aren’t so… stiff.
“The Walking Dead” is on right now. I could be watching that right now… It’s ten times the entertainment that this is, in every regard.
Bella kind of tries to explain to her Dad about being undead. This whole thing really IS just about Bella isn’t it?
That CGI baby creeps me out. I keep expecting it to start recommending E*Trade.
Fesitvus arrives early this year. It’s Bella vs Ox Cullen in feats of strength!
Ok, to this point I don’t understand why Wimpy Eddie kept crying about Bella turning. They make being a vampire look like the greatest thing ever…. Uh oh. Maggie Grace shows up and see Renewhateverherstupidnameis and doesn’t look happy. “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. But if you have a vampire baby, I will find you, and I will kill you.” Here she goes… Ratting out the Cullens and E*Trade vampire baby to the Volturi. Will we finally have a movie about something other than just Bella and her stupid supernatural love life?
Flashback to evil baby vampires with bloody faces. That’s kind of cool. Apparently at one time, Vampire women turned little children cause they couldn’t have babies. Then the babies couldnt be reasoned with though so they just killed people. Coolest part of the whole saga. The Volturi made it a crime though. They like popping people’s heads off, huh? That’s cool. Thank god there’s some action and violence in this movie, I couldn’t take another “Part 1”.
Fortune Teller Cullen and Creepy Cullen bail. Why? I don’t care. For real, it could be on an ice cream run, or to go save seals, and its literally all the same to me. Travelogue now, as the Cullens start trying to recruit for the Volturi battle. Great, more $&#%ing Cullens to keep track of. Is Renesememeemee CGI even now that she’s supposed to be grown more? Something ain’t right with that kid.
Cullens are everywhere huh? They’re getting people from all over the world now… I haven’t really thought of the fact that all of these Vampires have superpowers in these flicks til now. The Cullens are assembling a Vampire X-Men team for gods sakes. They’ve got Storm and Professor X… Electro. And what is Renismey, anyways, the Christ child? She’s laying hands on people and they’re pledging her allegiance and undying loyalty. WTF. Leave it to Bella’s baby to be the most special thing ever. Why not? Her mom was, right?
Edward gives the lamest, quickest inspirational speech ever to have all the tribes stand for their “I will fight” moment. Is there any chance this final battle is cool? God, please… c’mon. A big epic brawl like the one the Harry Potter ended with. I need a little somethin’ somethin’ here, you know?
Seriously, the contact lenses in these movies are terrible. There should be a Razzie for “Worst Makeup”.
Bella’s practicing her powers in the woods. Bella’s vampire power is to be immune to other vampire’s powers. Now she’s learning to project it around others, too. I call it “wet blanket”, it fits her.
Uh oh. Edward and Bella hook up scene coming? I forget about all Bella’s epic romantic BS for a few blissful minutes.
“You’re the reason I have something to fight for” -Edward
“You’re the reason I can’t wait to turn this shit off” – Fogs
Ok, I think Reneesma is human now. Not in the story, I just mean they’re actually using an actress and not CGI. Bella and Jacob bring her to visit grandpa. Jacob is much cooler to Bella now that he’s got a new Swan to be crushing on. It’s creepy, but at least he’s less rapey towards Bella now.
Bunk!! Lol. Wendell Pierce, ladies and gentlemen… Bunk provides fake passports and papers for Resmenay and Jacob. What’s Resemay’s power anyways? Is she going to be like the deus ex machina of the battle? Like things are going badly, but then Super Vampire Baby flies in and levels everyone with some kind of Super Vampire Baby power? I could dig that.
The Vampires all prep for battle by trading war stories and roasting marshmallows around a fire. That’s when realization hits Fast Eddy.
“I can’t help thinking that all these people have put themselves in danger because I fell in love with a human” – Edward
“No %#$&ing shit” – Fogs
Bella is the worst mother ever. Giving her daughter a locket and then scaring the crap out of her the night before the war. Then she brings her to the battlefield in the morning, too. Someone should call Vampire Child Protective Services. How does everyone know where to meet, anyways? Big, convenient, scenic, snowy field…
Wow. The Vulcani brought a lot of dudes. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… Looks like some of you are going to have to share! I guess vampires have good hearing, cause the two sides parlay from a mile apart. Evil Lord Elrond reads Edward’s palm, and he too, falls under the spell of Renesmama. Great giggle on this guy though. Uh oh. Maggie Grace is in trouble now. If the Cullen baby isn’t an evil vampire baby, her report was false! There goes her head. Elrond’s gonna have Liam Neeson to contend with!
Ok, the battle is on now. Wolves are snarling and superpowers are firing. Elrond is inciting his troops… convincing them that Remneasmee is a danger and they should all fight. Fortune Teller Cullen and Creepy Cullen show up, but it’s too late. The fight is on now.
Papa Cullen is down! Papa Cullen is down! His head is rolling off on the ice. Nice. LOL Now it’s happening… Wolves and vampires fighting. There goes Creepy Cullen! He’s beheaded!
God, even the action scenes in these movies suck. LOL
Unreal. I couldn’t keep up with all the stupid shit happening, so I paused it for the first time in awhile, and there’s still a half an hour left! Dont these movies ever END? *sigh* These movies suck so bad. I want to nap, but basically it’s time for bed, so I wouldn’t wake up til the morning. NO! I’m not letting this saga win!
Anyways, There’s this giant chasm on the battlefield now due to Stormy Smurf. Wolves keep falling into it and stuff. I had something funny to say about that, I think, but I lost it. Can’t even think straight right now. I can’t believe there’s still a half an hour left off this nonsensical garbage.
Edward does some vampire acrobatics and beheads a dude that I think should be important somehow, but I don’t know cause I don’t know who any of these Vulturi are except for Lord Elrond and Dakota Fanning. Speaking of, there goes her head. LOL. A wolf chomped it. Bye Dakota, I’ll miss you… I didn’t know who anyone else was… Gregorian chants are playing and shit. It’s so EPIC. LOL Bella and Edward just team up on Lord Elrond by doing some combination martial arts/pairs skating shit on him! Wonder twins powers, activate! Bella gets…
Did they just seriously do that? That whole $&#%ing battle was just Fortune Telling Cullen showing Lord Elrond his future?! Oh my god. A) I feel like an ass B) What a cheap ploy. Unnnnnnnnnnnreal. Basically, after she shows him in his future that he’ll die in battle, the Cullens talk him out of having a fight and killing Rememee and they all go home.
What a gyp!! LOL. My lord. I can’t believe it. That is so cheap… They just showed a 30 minute battle scene and then went “HA HA. Nope!” 🙄
We end with acoustic guitars and synthesizers and happy visions of the future, where everyone is happy and shiny, and Bella and Edward lay in a field of flowers sharing flashbacks of all their weepy romantic BS. In its final throes, the Twilight Saga makes on final effort to defeat me, but I’ve inured myself to the maudlin, mushy, tripe. Both their faces do make me want to puke now, though.
“Nobody’s ever loved anybody as much as I’ve loved you” – Bella
“I will never have to watch Twilight again in about five minutes” – Fogs
They close on the word “forever”, but I get to think “Nope, it ends right now”
That was brutal. Seriously. Those movies were SO bad. I don’t know why I didn’t think they were THAT bad, when everyone kicked them around like a football for five years. I think my thinking was that people were exaggerating because everyone hates Kristen Stewart and these movies are aimed at tweens anyways. But nope. They are legitimately THAT bad. Even this last one, which was easily my favorite because it dealt with a huge monster rumble instead of “which boy will Bella pick”, was terrible. How can you rip off your audience like that? That “fooled ya” ending is the worst cop out EVER! LOL
Ok. I’m done. Thank you to everyone who left comments. I did read them as I went, they kept me going strong. Seriously. Especially for this last post. I needed something because Breaking Dawn part 1 almost broke ME. This wound up a massive test of blogging endurance and a challenge to my good taste in movies. It was far more difficult than I anticipated, and now I am happily off to sleep. 😀
I hope somewhere along the way you had a few laughs, because I am never doing this again.
At least not with “Twilight”. 😉